RAR!! *determined!!*

[askerian]

(no reason for the icon, just felt like Itachi today and the only pretty face icons I have of him have mean things written on it. XD)

Today, I rewrite Teamwork.

Well, the first chapter, at least.

... if I can stop cringing long enough to actually dwell on it. ~__~;;;

I'm not going to ask people to re-read it just so they can help me, but if anyone remembers something they wondered about back then, or some scene that was too long or not enough or a little awkward or whatever, I will love you forever and ever. ♥

(and yes, the Anko thing is one of the problems I'll try to fix. It sounds like bashing and nnngh. *annoyed at self*)

... gnnh, i hate rewriting. ~___~

Comments

Ahh the rewrite

[j-ecrirai.livejournal.com]

So much fun going back to earlier stories and seeing just how truely lame they
were, at least that's my experience. Will dutifully go back and reread the first because noone can pass by freelove, and nostalgia is nice.

heh heh good luck.

This is the fourth time Iùve tried to send this, lj hates me this morning.

[meritjubet.livejournal.com]

I hate rewriting as well. All attempts just don't have the fun of writing the original despite, uh well crapness. Plus looking back makes me wince, good thing I've improved some what... I think, and hope at least.

[midnigh-unicorn.livejournal.com]

How did the Jounin know that the three of them had had sex together. I'd kind of wondered.

[askerian]

That's not something I can put in the fic, seeing as they don't really know. But I can make them wonder more. XD

As for how, that's going to go in a sidefic. When I get off my ass and write it, that is. XD;

[a-white-rain.livejournal.com]

The only BIG issue I had with the first one, was the grammar issues. Seeing two !! is a random pet peeve of mine.

[askerian]

Is that the only grammar issue you had? Because if there are more I probably won't find them even now. ^^;

[a-white-rain.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Because I can get over the little stuff. Just the !! annoyed me.

[j-ecrirai.livejournal.com]

Third paragraph, second line you've used a semi-colon rather than a comma, and fresh air in 'here' not 'in there'
Somewhere after the seventh real paragraph down, after Sakura's stopped admiring (in a horrified way Naruto) 'As for the tips of her ears, 'they were' already burning.'
A little further on, can someone fall off a futon? They're really close to the ground anyway. Maybe he can roll off?
Oh hey! If I leave my cursor over the english words the french translation appears, how cool is that?
Hum nothing else for the first chapter, sorry for the nitpicking.
I always thought Sakura needed to be more pissed overall and a little more argh my life is ruined because she'd fallen pregnant in the story, I'd been devastated, men of my life or not. Otherwise I'll go over the other chapters later.

[tephra]

Since I'm more in the mood to re-re-re-re-read Teamwork than I am to work on the websites I should be working on....

Chapter 2: Sasuke hands Sakura some rope to tie her dress at the waist. "Rope" brings to mind something fairly thick, on the order of 15-20mm, so maybe cord would be better. Or twine I suppose, but that suggests something rather rough, and string might be too thin.

I know I asked before about this and you answered, somewhere, but Kiba's reaction to Sasuke, the hint of fear seems out of place. Maybe a bit more fleshing out there to explain it.

And Anko of course. I explained it to myself as her associating Sakura's apparent actions with her own relationship with Orochimaru but it always felt a bit off to me. I assumed you had something else in mind that I just couldn't think of since I haven't gotten that far in canon yet.

[tephra]

Oh, there's the time line issue regarding the chuunin exams too. In chapter five the exam is in "two months" which seems a bit crunched with everything that comes in Teamwork 2.

And Sasuke's attitude toward Iruka seems a bit... well strong is too harsh, but it he seems to have something more than just "this ninja is below my level and not worthy of attention" going on. I wouldn't say dislike precisely, but definitely more disdain that I would expect of Sasuke toward someone that is basically irrelevant to him. About all I could come up with for a reason was very subconscious jealousy over Iruka and Naruto's relationship, that and being in pain and generally grumpy.

[askerian]

.. did i tell you thank you yet? i didn't. bad. sorry. .__. and thank you. ^____^

(he's kinda torn between "why does naruto get to have someone who loves him like family" (hello blind guy) and "I don't want THAT as my family anyway, but no, it's not really conscious, he just chalks it up to annoyance that some guy he doesn't respect much gets to actually be important to the three of them. That's the same reason he's twitchy with Sakura's parents.)

[tephra]

You're welcome. :)

Ah, I always figured the twitchiness with the parentals was due to the whole "these two know I fucked their daughter and got her pregnant and Sakura will be so pissed if I make them mad" thing.