askerian | oh hey, i'm using my journal like a journal today.

Was reading back through my journal a bit. I really have this tendency to humorous histrionics in my posts, huh. Also, uppercases. Funny because IRL while I can get babbly and enthusiastic sometimes, and then again only with specific people, most of the time I'm really introverted.

Saw the puppies yesterday. They're getting huge (some of them look like little bears, if I didn't know better I'd assume they're leonbergs or newfoundland dogs) and man but their poop stinks. Also they'ver discovered the awesome game that is "latch on people's shoelaces and watch them flail."

Also yesterday, learned my maternal grandfather has lung cancer and they're removing said lung. (I don't know if it's the left or right one.) Went on the internet right now and did research about operation/survival rates/treatment/expectations and they're not too bad, considering he's 75 year old and at this age every major operation is a bigger risk and besides any risk is too big when it's your loved one and not a statistic. I'm still not sure how I feel about it/him (we... like and care about each other, I suppose, but aren't very close because he's a reserved man and I'm... what I am, which we won't go into right now), though I do know how I feel about my mother's reaction, and that is "stop pretending to smile and erasing yourself and let me hug you". She sobbed once when she told us, her voice broke once, and by the time I had walked around the table and was reaching out to her she was already talking about what we'd have for dinner again.

My mother is a master at putting up that "I'm not important, don't pay attention to me" deflection field, and for all my years of being her daughter I can't figure out how to get through it.

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Re: The mom thing, I sometimes find that clinging and not letting go works. :(

I'm so sorry, and I really hope everything turns out okay. ILU. <3333

Thank you, hon. ♥

In the vein of clinging and not letting go, the general philosophy of not going along with her in pretending something isn't a big deal - when it obvsly is - is a good way to approach it. You don't want to "encourage the bad behavior", in a sense, by following her lead. Insisting that it is something, even just to you (in the sense that "I know you feel something, and you pretending not to feel it makes me feel like you don't trust me with your emotions, or like it's not okay to have an emotional reaction. Please talk to me."), might help. Though, to get results, expect it to take awhile for her to start to respond. It's patience and consistency on your part.

*snugs*

Thank you for the suggestion, hon.

I suspect I'll be talking it over with my therapist. Mergh. So many issues at play there.

...That sucks.

But I will say, having been through a fair bit of surprise!tragedy bullshit myself lately, that certain personalities really need to be allowed to NOT have an emotional reaction for a while. Because that can be exhausting, especially if you're not a particularly expressive person in general. It's stressful to worry about what you're meant to be feeling, what people expect you to be feeling. It's stressful having to emote in general when what you want is time to work this out inside your own head before sharing with the world.

Not that I know your mom, obviously. But I've found that people who are grieving usually KNOW what they need, and it seems best to just let them have it, regardless of this current culture obsession with broadcasting your emotions all over the place all the time. For some people that's good and necessary, but for others, it's the opposite of helpful. For me, it's the opposite of helpful. When awful things happen, I really, genuinely, honest-to-God don't want to talk about it. It makes everything worse if I do. Have tried both ways, trust me on this one. Overt sympathy is not always good. A lot of the time, what you want is to be allowed to be practical. PRACTICAL. Because then it doesn't feel like the world is so impossible, if that makes sense. Like it's not all out of your control.

So if your mom needs to cry on your shoulder and be hysterical, let her. If she needs to pretend everything's fine and none of this is happening for a while...I'd say let her. I mean, it's bad if that persists indefinitely, but for now? It sounds like she needs to have the space in her head to be tough about this.

OR THOSE ARE THE THOUGHTS OF A RANDOM STRANGER. Unsolicited essay, sorry. Just thought I'd offer the other perspective on it.

I don't mind, thanks for the POV. The issue there is that I'm not sure if she's reserved and would rather keep in control or if she has a really low sense of self-worth and "doesn't want to be a bother". I lean more toward the latter, but obviously I'm too close to see her clearly. I just don't know who else to ask for an informed opinion.

it wasn't the best time anyway, she had a half-hour to eat lunch and then she had to be back to work. really not an ideal time to come undone. Will see how it goes.

As for the unsure bit, I would just ask her if she wanted to talk about it, or if she'd rather be left alone. Sometimes getting straight to the point is good. Of course, that might just be me.

good plan. (not sarcasm! XD) I suspect this would be easier to do if we were used to, y'know, speaking about serious stuff, instead of coexisting and sometimes having a good giggle over something silly. I mean, my relationship with my mother isn't conflictual at all, but... yeah.

Better go explore that with my therapist, for srs.

I don't have much to offer except hugs, a "good luck" with your mother, and letting you know that your journal is YOUR journal, so if you need it for lists after your therapy session on how to approach things, do it.

You have support if you need it and willing eyes and ears and opinions at your mercy.

*hugs*

Thank you, hon. *hugs*

*hugs* hon. :( Best wishes for a good result all around!

Thank you. ;_;

*hugs* I hope the operation goes well and there are no complications.

I have found, when talking to my own parents about family tragedies, that it sometimes works best for me to just talk about my feelings and memories of the person in question, and let my mom and dad comment if and when they are moved to share. They almost never open a conversation about emotional stuff, but they will usually respond after I've... I dunno, demonstrated that I think it's okay to feel and talk about feelings. And that I would like to hear about their own feelings -- that sharing will make me feel better.

I don't know if that fits your family, but, you know, maybe?

oh, that might work. Thank you for sharing with me.

*hugs*

Sympathy is not required, but you can have it anyway! *hugs* Both my maternal grandparents died of cancer... it is rough. :(

mngh. *huggles*

I'm so sorry. I'm going through something similar myself. My aunt had breast cancer and the chemo worked. It was coming up on five years, after five years she'd be free. It came back. And it's metastisized. She's dying and I had to write a note. A note, as if there's anything to say to that. As if anything matters.

But it does. It helps.

And you just trying, I'm sure that helps your mom too.

I hope you've heard good news about your grandfather by now. *hug*

I guess it's all been said, but I agree with the people who suggested waiting to try and talk about this with your mother until things aren't so immediate and/or tossing the ball into her court by talking about how you feel and inviting her to share in return. If it's a real self-esteem issue, then pushing some will probably be for the best in the end; but if she's simply reserved, as they said, it could wind up being an (unintentional) burden on top of everything else. I don't think she would be angry at collapsing because of talking it out--I mean, you're her daughter, obviously she loves you--but she might end up frustrated because it's something she doesn't want at a time she doesn't feel she can afford it.

I don't know your mother, so all I'm really doing is extrapolating based on personal attitude, which unfortunately may not be much use. I hope that your therapist can help more, and again, that things go well with your grandfather.

Best wishes to your grandfather... surgery on someone getting up there in years does always have higher risk. I know what you mean about not knowing how you feel about it and him... my relationship with my grandfather is kind of like that (and he coincidentally had heart surgery at age 80something). Best wishes to your mom too, since she's having trouble... and best wishes to you too!

*petsloves* Hang in there, and best of luck with it all.

;__;

*hugsloves*

oh hey, i'm using my journal like a journal today.

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RANDOM STRANGER BUTTING IN, DON'T MIND ME

If I minded I'd have flocked this :p thank you.

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