oh hey, i'm using my journal like a journal today.

[askerian]

Was reading back through my journal a bit. I really have this tendency to humorous histrionics in my posts, huh. Also, uppercases. Funny because IRL while I can get babbly and enthusiastic sometimes, and then again only with specific people, most of the time I'm really introverted.

Saw the puppies yesterday. They're getting huge (some of them look like little bears, if I didn't know better I'd assume they're leonbergs or newfoundland dogs) and man but their poop stinks. Also they'ver discovered the awesome game that is "latch on people's shoelaces and watch them flail."

Also yesterday, learned my maternal grandfather has lung cancer and they're removing said lung. (I don't know if it's the left or right one.) Went on the internet right now and did research about operation/survival rates/treatment/expectations and they're not too bad, considering he's 75 year old and at this age every major operation is a bigger risk and besides any risk is too big when it's your loved one and not a statistic. I'm still not sure how I feel about it/him (we... like and care about each other, I suppose, but aren't very close because he's a reserved man and I'm... what I am, which we won't go into right now), though I do know how I feel about my mother's reaction, and that is "stop pretending to smile and erasing yourself and let me hug you". She sobbed once when she told us, her voice broke once, and by the time I had walked around the table and was reaching out to her she was already talking about what we'd have for dinner again.

My mother is a master at putting up that "I'm not important, don't pay attention to me" deflection field, and for all my years of being her daughter I can't figure out how to get through it.

Comments

[metisket.livejournal.com]

...That sucks.

But I will say, having been through a fair bit of surprise!tragedy bullshit myself lately, that certain personalities really need to be allowed to NOT have an emotional reaction for a while. Because that can be exhausting, especially if you're not a particularly expressive person in general. It's stressful to worry about what you're meant to be feeling, what people expect you to be feeling. It's stressful having to emote in general when what you want is time to work this out inside your own head before sharing with the world.

Not that I know your mom, obviously. But I've found that people who are grieving usually KNOW what they need, and it seems best to just let them have it, regardless of this current culture obsession with broadcasting your emotions all over the place all the time. For some people that's good and necessary, but for others, it's the opposite of helpful. For me, it's the opposite of helpful. When awful things happen, I really, genuinely, honest-to-God don't want to talk about it. It makes everything worse if I do. Have tried both ways, trust me on this one. Overt sympathy is not always good. A lot of the time, what you want is to be allowed to be practical. PRACTICAL. Because then it doesn't feel like the world is so impossible, if that makes sense. Like it's not all out of your control.

So if your mom needs to cry on your shoulder and be hysterical, let her. If she needs to pretend everything's fine and none of this is happening for a while...I'd say let her. I mean, it's bad if that persists indefinitely, but for now? It sounds like she needs to have the space in her head to be tough about this.

OR THOSE ARE THE THOUGHTS OF A RANDOM STRANGER. Unsolicited essay, sorry. Just thought I'd offer the other perspective on it.

[askerian]

I don't mind, thanks for the POV. The issue there is that I'm not sure if she's reserved and would rather keep in control or if she has a really low sense of self-worth and "doesn't want to be a bother". I lean more toward the latter, but obviously I'm too close to see her clearly. I just don't know who else to ask for an informed opinion.

it wasn't the best time anyway, she had a half-hour to eat lunch and then she had to be back to work. really not an ideal time to come undone. Will see how it goes.

RANDOM STRANGER BUTTING IN, DON'T MIND ME

[(Anonymous)]

As for the unsure bit, I would just ask her if she wanted to talk about it, or if she'd rather be left alone. Sometimes getting straight to the point is good. Of course, that might just be me.

If I minded I'd have flocked this :p thank you.

[askerian]

good plan. (not sarcasm! XD) I suspect this would be easier to do if we were used to, y'know, speaking about serious stuff, instead of coexisting and sometimes having a good giggle over something silly. I mean, my relationship with my mother isn't conflictual at all, but... yeah.

Better go explore that with my therapist, for srs.