askerian: Serious Karkat in a red long-sleeved shirt (Default)
askerian ([personal profile] askerian) wrote2013-11-04 12:41 am

Covalent silliness - equius & caliborn chatlog

ok, i dunno if it’s worth much — i liked some of the lines a lot but i don’t know how strong it is as a whole piece. but it’s finished and aaaaaaa. so here it is.

This is part of the Covalent Bonds ‘verse, a post-game everyone is trolls on Alternia thing. And yes, Caliborn is now a troll, and really hates it.

(i did the quirks by hand so i might have missed a few. will reread & fix before i post on AO3)

--

-- undyingUmbrage [uu] started trolling centaursTesticle [CT] --

uu: WHAT THE FuCK IS uP. WITH THIS CHAT CLIENT.
uu: TROLLING IS FOR LOSERS. WHERE IS THE JEERING OPTION.

CT: D--> I beg your pardon
CT: D--> Who the heck are you and why are you on my chumproll in the first place with your l00dicrous and despicable hemoanonymity

uu: I COuLD ASK YOu THE EXACT SAME FuCKING THING.
uu: BuT I WON'T. BECAuSE I'M NOT A DuMBASS.
uu: AND I ALREADY ASKED DIRK WHO THE FuCK YOu WERE. AND WHY YOu WERE ON MY CHuMPROLL.

CT: D--> Why are you then
CT: D--> Ah, let me hazard a guess

uu: GAME SHENANIGANS.
CT: D--> Game shenanigans
uu: WHY ARE YOu REPEATING WHAT I JuST SAID. ARE YOu THAT STuPID. TOO STuPID FOR ORIGINAL THOuGHT?
CT: D--> I was not
CT: D--> We merely came to the same conclusion at the same time and you happened not to have to type up a bow first

uu: OH. IT'S A BOW.
uu: I THOuGHT IT MIGHT BE YOuR TROLLISH PENIS.
uu: DIRK uSED TO DRAW STRANGE NONSENSICAL THINGS LIKE THAT. WHEN HE THOuGHT I WASN'T WATCHING.
uu: FOOL. I AM ALWAYS WATCHING.

CT: D--> What is a penis
CT: D--> No, it does not matter, no doubt it is silly and irrelevant
CT: D--> Why have you contacted me

uu: DIRK PROMISED. THAT HE WOuLD TALK TO ME JuST AS LONG. AS I TALKED TO OTHER PEOPLE. WHO WERE NOT MY COW OF A SISTER.
uu: I THINK YOu WILL FIND. THAT I EXCEL IN THE ARTS OF CIVILIZED CONVERSATION.

CT: D--> I fail to see why you sh00ld engage in them with me
uu: YOu WERE THE LEAST OFFENSIVE. ON ACCOuNT OF MY NOT KNOWING YOu.
uu: ALSO THE ONLY ONE ONLINE. WHO WAS NOT A HIDEOuS SHADE OF GREEN.
uu: SO.
uu: WHAT IS IT LIKE. BEING uGLY. AND A TROLL. WITH FREAKISH BLuE BLOOD.

CT: D--> Ah, yes
CT: D--> I find the fog of sleepiness lifted at last
CT: D--> You are the shrill and puny larval form of our enemy

uu: EXCuSE YOu.
CT: D--> A being so petty he sought to break everything he could not own
CT: D--> Admirable trait in a troll

uu: I AM NATuRALLY ADMIRABLE. AND GLORIOuS.
CT: D--> If one isn't a grote%e mutant-blooded mistake of course
uu: WAIT. I AM NOT. A FuCKING TROLL AT ALL!
CT: D--> You might not have been hatched one
CT: D--> But denial will get you nowhere
CT: D--> It is what you are now
CT: D--> A low, wretched excuse for a troll, but a troll all the same
CT: D--> The swill in your veins is what it is, but so is its vessel
CT: D--> Throwing tantrums about it will not change the truth of it

uu: I AM NOT. A TROLL.
CT: D--> You are indeed a troll
uu: NO.
CT: D--> Yes
uu: NO.
CT: D--> Yes
uu: FuCKING NO.
CT: D--> Fu
CT: D--> Fudging yes

uu: NO!!
CT: D--> Yes
uu: I AM. NOT. A MOTHERFuCKING TROLL!!!
CT: D--> You are
CT: D--> You possess gray skin and horns on a trolloid body shape
CT: D--> Your body is that of a granted rather diminutive male of the troll species
CT: D--> You are a troll
CT: D--> You would do best to a%ept it

uu: NO I WOuLD NOT!!!
CT: D--> Yes
uu: THIS IS STuPID.
CT: D--> Yes
uu: NO!
CT: D--> I was agreeing with you about the idiocy of this futile e%ercise
uu: OH.
uu: WELL. GOOD.

CT: D--> Good
CT: D--> If there is no other conversation you wish to have I will go back to sleep

uu: WAIT.
CT: D--> Why
uu: BECAuSE. I COMMAND IT.
CT: D--> You are an abomination
CT: D--> Why sh00ld you get to command me

uu: BECAuSE I AM YOuR OBVIOuS SuPERIOR IN ALL THINGS. IS WHY.
uu: AND THAT OTHER ABOMINATION COMMANDS YOu JuST FINE. HYPOCRITE.

CT: D--> What
uu: THAT SCRAWNY. SHOuTY ASSHOLE. WITH THE ALMOST TOLERABLE HORNS.
CT: D--> You refer to Vantas and his borderline lack of such I presume
uu: SEE. YOu ARE NOT INCuRABLY STuPID.
uu: JuST MOSTLY SO.

CT: D--> Vantas is indeed an abomination
CT: D--> A remarkably
CT: D--> Forceful one
CT: D--> Your STRENGTH of personality might be a match
CT: D--> Your loudness and lewdness certainly are
CT: D--> Those are not the same things

uu: WHAT THE SHIT DO YOu EVEN MEAN.
CT: D--> That Vantas has proved himself worthy as a leader
CT: D--> And that you have not
CT: D--> Though you certainly have proved yourself as our enemy
CT: D--> I am willing to reserve judgment mostly so long as you keep your distances and do not force me to acknowledge your repulsive e%istence
CT: D--> Am I making myself clear

uu: WHY SHOuLD I CARE. WHAT YOu'RE WILLING TO RESERVE OR NOT.
uu: YOu HAVE OBVOuSLY NEVER BEEN SuBJECTED TO MY MASTERFuL LEADERSHIP.
uu: YOu WILL LEARN.

CT: D--> Are you suggesting that it is in any way a possibility that I will one day be working under you
uu: SEE. INTELLIGENCE. SOME OF IT.
uu: I WILL ONE DAY HAVE MY CLAWED FOOT ON YOuR STuPID NECK. IT IS PuRE FACT.
uu: YOu MIGHT BE ALIVE TO SERVE ME. OR YOu MIGHT BE AN uGLY MANGLED CORPSE.

CT: D--> Is this a quadrant solicitation
uu: A WHAT.
CT: D--> Never mind
uu: I AM VERY GENEROuS. SO I WON'T.
uu: NOW WHERE WERE WE.
uu: KEEP LISTENING TO ME. SO THAT I MAY FORCE DIRK TO LISTEN TO ME LATER. HE PROMISED ME THAT LONG.

CT: D--> Has it occurred to you that I might simply decide to log out, and there is nothing you may do to stop me
uu: NO!
uu: YOu OWE ME FOR BEING THE MOST BORING IDIOT I EVER TYPED AT.

CT: D--> May I suggest you try your luck with someone else
CT: D--> Maryam for example is still awake at this ungodly hour and is generally of a pleasant, patient disposition
CT: D--> You should be in possession of her trolltag
CT: D--> It is grimAu%iliatri%

uu: THERE IS NO ONE CALLED THAT IN MY LIST.
CT: D--> Can you not read a simple substitution quirk
CT: D--> She is the one situated between arsenicCatnip (who you shan't contact ever) and gallowsCalibrator

uu: OH.
uu: FuCK NO! I AM SO DONE WITH GREEN BITCHES.
uu: AND BITCHES IN GENERAL. BuT ESPECIALLY GREEN ONES. THEY'RE THE CRAZIEST.

CT: D--> You have already e%perienced the threat of her chainsaw then
CT: D--> A pity

uu: NO I HAVE NOT.
CT: D--> Yes you have
uu: NO.
CT: D--> Yes
uu: NO.
CT: D--> Yes
uu: THIS THING YOU DO WITH YOuR POSTS REALLY DOES RESEMBLE A HuMAN PENIS.
uu: ALSO, NO.

CT: D--> What on Alternia is a penis
CT: D--> Also yes

uu: I DON'T KNOW. ASK DIRK. IT HAD A TON OF OTHER STuPID NAMES BuT FuCK IF I CAN REMEMBER THEM ALL.
CT: D--> More alien nonsense no doubt
CT: D--> E%tremely irrelevant nowadays, so I shan't bother a%ing
CT: D--> I am going back to sleep

uu: NO YOU FuCKING AREN'T.
uu: YOu SHOuLD BE PATHETICALLY GRATEFuL THAT I AM PAYING ATTENTION TO YOu AT ALL.
uu: AND NOT EVEN IN A PARTICuLARLY MuRDEROuS WAY. YET.

CT: D--> It has come to my mind that you might perhaps be practicing your caliginous flirting
CT: D--> Is that what you are doing
CT: D--> This is vile
CT: D--> I order you to stop

uu: MY WHAT.
CT: D--> Your
CT: D--> Urgh
CT: D--> Concupiscent hate flirting

uu: WHAT THE FuCK IS A CONCuPISCENT.
CT: D--> Vile se%ual desires
CT: D--> Replace the % with the appropriate %-looking letter

uu: WHAT??
uu: NO!
uu: FUCK NO, THAT IS DISGuSTING. I HATE YOu HARDLY AT ALL.

CT: D--> That is not reassuring
uu: I DON'T EVEN WANT TO WASTE MuCH TIME ON YOUR MuRDER YET.
uu: JuST MAYBE A COuPLE OF KICKS TO YOuR CORPSE AFTERWARDS. THAT IS THE uPPER LIMIT.

CT: D--> That is slightly better
uu: WHO WOuLD WANT TO DO THOSE.
uu: THINGS.
uu: IN THIS BODY ANYWAYS??
uu: MY FAT BITCH OF A SISTER TOLD ME. TROLLS DON'T HAVE A MATING FORM. AND HAVE THEIR LEWD PARTS ALWAYS OuT AND READY. THAT IS REVOLTING TO THE MAXIMuM. WHO WOuLD EVER SPARE A THOuGHT TO THOSE GROTESQuE SHENANIGANS??

CT: D--> It occurs to me your age might not quite correspond to that of the rest of our cohort
CT: D--> I admit the topic is indecorous to the e%treme but your rea%ion seems to me quite impasture
CT: D--> I meant immature
CT: D--> Apologies, this topic is quite flustering

uu: IT IS NOT IMMA FuCKING TuRE TO NOT WANT TO WONDER. HOW TROLLS EVEN KNOW WHICH IS THE LOSER, BEARING MATE OF THE TWO. WHEN MY COW OF A SISTER MAKES ME READ uPSETTING STORIES WHERE FuCKING ROXY AND DIRK. DO **BOTH AT ONCE.**
CT: D--> Fudge darn it
CT: D--> I do not have enough towels in the whole hive for this


-- centaursTesticle [CT] stopped trolling undyingUmbrage [uu] --

uu: HEY.
uu: YOu COME BACK RIGHT THIS INSTANT.
uu: WE HAVE NOT SPENT EVEN HALF ENOuGH TIME BONDING TOGETHER.
uu: I ORDER YOu TO GET YOUR GROSS TROLL FACE BACK ON THE COMPuTER RIGHT NOW.

CT: D--> Discourse with you feels like being inappropriately accosted by the ghost of a five sweeps old Vantas
uu: WHAT.
CT: D--> A less verbose, less all-encompassingly domineering ghost to boot
CT: D--> I order you never to contact me again
CT: D--> Or at least to complete the appropriate biology module first

uu: I ORDER YOU TO STOP ORDERING ME AND TO OBEY MY PREVIOuS ORDER.
uu: OR I WILL MuRDER YOu.
uu: PLATONICALLY!!

CT: D--> I am sure you are engaging in no denial whatsoever
CT: D--> Somehow it is of no help when it comes to swallowing this conversation


-- centaursTesticle [CT] blocked undyingUmbrage [uu] --

uu: HEY! THAT'S CHEATING.

--

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] started trolling undyingUmbrage [uu] --


AC: :33 < hi cattyporn!!
AC: :33 < whoops. i meant cattyborn.

uu: ARE YOu ANOTHER GREEN BITCH.
uu: GO AWAY.

AC: :33 < *the kitty ignores the grumpy troll and finds a good spot to curl up on*
AC: :33 < *she licks her paw disdainfully and says, haha nope! i heard a kitten n33ded a crash course on two-legged hornbeast repurroduction*
AC: :33 < *also she wants to make her furiend the sunset-maned hoofbeast happy, and she knows that so does the grumpy grub over here, no matter how much he grumps rudely about it!*

uu: ARE YOu TALKING ABOuT ME.
uu: I WANT NO SuCH THING.
uu: WHY ARE YOu REFERRING TO ME AS A HOOFBEAST. WHAT EVEN IS A HOOFBEAST.

AC: :33 < dirk is the hoofbeast, stupid! calleopard told me you've been stalking him for SW33PS and you don't even know he likes horses? that's not furry observant ://
uu: OH. RIGHT. HE HAD THAT WEIRD TINY HORSE. I NEVER THOuGHT ABOuT IT.
AC: :33 < maybe you *should* think more about it if you want to get anywhere! i don't think you can really care, but at least try to think of it as tactical infurmation.
AC: :33 < nyow I am going to explain all about repurroduction to you!

uu: OH FuCK NO.
AC: :33 < oh fuck y33ssss.
uu: I WILL CHEW OFF MY TYPING HANDS. AND ESCAPE.
AC: :33 < *the kitty grins and her tongue lolls out*
AC: :33 < and after that just to make dirk happy let's have a long nice talk about gr33n bitches and why you shouldn't threaten their moirails if you plan on sl33ping with both eyes closed ever again.
krait: a sea snake (krait) swimming (Default)

[personal profile] krait 2013-11-04 03:30 am (UTC)(link)
Eeeee, Covalentverse! I can't quite call this 'adorable', because Caliborn definitely isn't and Equius doesn't really qualify, either, but it was certainly fun to read!

CT: D--> Ah, yes
CT: D--> I find the fog of sleepiness lifted at last
CT: D--> You are the shrill and puny larval form of our enemy


Ahahahaha, I see that his time among the uncouth lowbloods has taught Equius how to apply a snide rebuke! :D

uu: NO.
CT: D--> Yes
uu: NO.
CT: D--> Yes
uu: FuCKING NO.
CT: D--> Fu
CT: D--> Fudging yes


Heh, and his mixed friend-group has made a dent in his proper vocabulary, too. (How could it be otherwise, with any crew that includes Vantas?)

CT: D--> Your STRENGTH of personality might be a match
CT: D--> Your loudness and lewdness certainly are
CT: D--> Those are not the same things


Speaking of... :D Equius gets subtler! What a perfect blend of cutting implied insult and implicit compliment (to Caliborn and Karkat, respectively). This is the sort of thing that reminds me of Equius's redeeming qualities - in spite of his blood-prejudiced views, he can and does still recognise talent and worth when he encounters it, and doesn't let the prejudice blind him to it.

uu: THIS THING YOU DO WITH YOuR POSTS REALLY DOES RESEMBLE A HuMAN PENIS.
uu: ALSO, NO.
CT: D--> What on Alternia is a penis


Hee! Caliborn, I suspect, hasn't seen any human penises (and didn't pay much attention to Dirk's drawings, either) - arrowheaded dicks?! Snerk. I like how Equius refuses to be derailed, even when Caliborn brings it up again; stands to reason that bluebloods, who are tricky dealers, can recognise a "go on, ask me about X" trap from a mile away, and refuse to engage with it.

uu: FUCK NO, THAT IS DISGuSTING. I HATE YOu HARDLY AT ALL.
CT: D--> That is not reassuring
uu: I DON'T EVEN WANT TO WASTE MuCH TIME ON YOUR MuRDER YET.
uu: JuST MAYBE A COuPLE OF KICKS TO YOuR CORPSE AFTERWARDS. THAT IS THE uPPER LIMIT.
CT: D--> That is slightly better


Hahahahaha, TROLLS!! ♥ + *facepalm* Guys, the fact that you are both in agreeance here is hilarious!

AC: :33 < whoops. i meant cattyborn.
uu: ARE YOu ANOTHER GREEN BITCH.


...For some reason, I keep thinking of those keychains/bumper stickers that read "I'm not a bitch, I'm THE bitch!" Caliborn has no idea just what kind of hornet's nest he's stirred, here. O.O I wish him all luck dealing with it and by all luck I mean none whatsoever.

AC: :33 < nyow I am going to explain all about repurroduction to you!
krait: a sea snake (krait) swimming (Default)

[personal profile] krait 2013-11-04 05:13 pm (UTC)(link)
Heh, yeah, that makes sense. Snark residue is very sticky, you know! :D (Great, now I'm picturing Equius blaming Dirk for the new unr00ly tendencies of his tongue whenever he's tempted to swear or snark at someone! Heehee!)

Caliborn has never seen a human penis ever.

I didn't think he had, since he referenced Dirk's drawings rather than Dirk's body. But I did figure that Dirk's main model for 'how do I draw penis' would be himself, so. Indirectly, if he's seen Dirk's drawings, he's probably seen the basic outline. (Unless Dirk is prone to wild exaggeration, heh.) :D
andygal: (Default)

[personal profile] andygal 2013-11-04 10:44 am (UTC)(link)
Nepeta darling, I don't believe that "cattyporn" was an accident!!

Hahaha!
othercat: shader from chrono crusade standing with her back to the viewer. In the background is the Earth. (karkat: sufferer)

[personal profile] othercat 2013-11-04 06:00 pm (UTC)(link)
This was hilarious!

I also really liked the hint of Equius/Dirk and would love to see them interacting at some point.

Also: go go Nepeta, traumatize that boy. He totally deserves it.
gaudior: (Default)

[personal profile] gaudior 2013-11-05 03:43 pm (UTC)(link)
Grin, yay! I love the combination of Equius and Caliborn and their totally incompatible rigid hierarchies. They rather deserve each other.

Also, best Nepeta best Nepeta yay.