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FF7 Restore ficcage woes
The last chapter: http://askerian.livejournal.com/400437.html
Simply put, I don't like it. But I can't pinpoint where -- I just have a general sense of things being wrong, but I have no clue where to start to fix it.
Feelings I get:
-I think my characterisation is subtly off -- Zack and especially Aeris don't seem all that emotionally engaged in what's going on, and that makes them come across as shallow and unsympathetic to Tifa and Cloud's reaction.
-Holy Infodump, Batman. They just tell and tell and "this is what happened" and I feel like I'm just in a hurry to get the "what were you doing all this time instead of coming back" issue out of the way. Also I couldn't place one of my foreshadowing hints I probably should have. Might be better to have them argue before all the info comes to light, or have it come out in a more choppy, less "this is the tale from beginning to end" way. But if they argue...
-Next chapter, Cloud and Tifa are supposed to leave them alone with Sephiroth as they go to Wutai see Yuffie. ...In the actual state of things, that would never happen. And if they argue, perhaps even less so. I get the feeling Cloud is feeling alienated from Zack and Aeris, so he would never trust them with keeping an eye on Sephiroth. He loves Yuffie like a little sister and he'd like to be there while she's grieving for her dad, but without either a LOT more incentive to go protect her, or a LOT more trust in Zack's willingness and ability to keep Sephiroth subdued, he'd rather send Tifa and stay. And I just can't do that. The plot wouldn't work.
... Sigh... Maybe I need to delete everything and write it again. What's with this fic? This is the third scene I'd have to start again from scratch, and I'm not even started on the fourth chapter.
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I think you're right about the info dump, too. Maybe it'd be better for them to answer a few pertinent questions, like "how they got here" and "should Cloud start sharpening his sword", and have the group hug bit somewhere. I don't know if they need to answer why they want to watch and see what happens, though I like the part where Zack says that he's selfish and wants Sephiroth with him because of it. Just because it's a cool interpretation of why he does what he does. Different from the "wants everyone happy <3<3" interpretation and the "wants to be a hero" interpretation. Still don't know if he'd say it, though.
Just my two cents. Hope it helps. ^_^ *squishloves*
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It's a plot point actually, so I can't change that. As for there being something that stops Cloud from killing Sephiroth, that would just make him more sure that Seph is up to no good and he'd try to find a way to kill him a lot harder, instead of being willing to wait and hear him out.
*sigh* It's a complicated situation. T____T
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1. For me, the characters seem decent enough, but it never hurts to replay the game and get reintroduced to them if you think the narrative sounds a little poor. You know, if you have 40 hours you can kill.
2. Its a delicate balance between too much exposition and drawing the plot out at the cost of making the reader wait for the big explanations. I think in this case both Zack and Aeris should be devoting equal time explaining the backstory and trying to put things just right to convince our dynamic duo that things are okay, relatively speaking.
3. Hmmm...are their any steps Sephiroth can take to convince Cloud and Tifa to go see Yuffie. After all, one goal of his will inevitably be to loosen his chains enough to be able to breath and figure out what the next step is for him. So, is there a consession he can make to Cloud that will convince him to leave him alone for a few days? Something like...I dunno, making it extremely easy for him to be killed if he steps out of line? Like a direct link to his lifeforce or something? A sort of "kill switch" if Cloud has any reason to fear him?
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2. Hrrrm yeah. *sigh* I'll try to reword the "so that's what happened" thing, it's too long and awkward IMHO.
3. Seph's asleep, he can't do anything. Though maybe Cloud could spend a moment staring at him and admitting that maybe he won't wake up for a while... Heh, maybe he could build traps with sleep-inducing elements so that if Seph moves he'll get pelted in sleeping stuff. XDDDDDDD Kill switch, I can't see anything in canon that could be used like that, sadly. T__T
thanks for the suggestions, hon ^__^
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(Anonymous) 2008-06-21 07:45 pm (UTC)(link)no subject
You make a good point there. The problem is that I'm the writer and I don't read it like that, so it's hard to assume it is when I write the rest. Hmm! A little rewrite to slip in hints and make the later revelation that they weren't just randomly being asshole wouldn't hurt... >.> *sharpens red pencil*
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Aerith could possibly have been infected with the sort of “hey its all fine in the end” that the rest of the cetra have. She realizes it but… its hard. After all, Zack and Aerith will be changed too – they’ve been knocking about in “perfection” for a few years. And YAY! There’s a chance to write about them adjusting too.
They'd probably have to relearn how to interact with people who have worldly cares - the reason they feel a bit out of touch is because they are.
I also thought cloud believed (without a shadow of a doubt) a bit too easily. If you give him a bit more of a chance to be angry, there’ll be more chance for Zack and Aerith to respond. Cloud is kind and forgiving (at heart) but he’s also got a little irrational streak, and he hangs on to old hurts and pains, and he broods, and eventually blames himself.
Perhaps Cloud and Zack, and Cloud and Aerith need a bit of alone time to establish individual relationships - you have them functioning as one big group right now. There’s no "Zack" or "Aerith", just "Zack and Aerith" and it takes away their personality.
Info dump is reality – I don’t mind it. It’s not that bad. But perhaps save a little bit back for opportune moments.
Zack isn’t guilty enough about still loving Seph. It would be killing him to be torn like that – he loves cloud and he knows that it’s hurting him to be this way. He’s making just one too many light comments – he’s not all flowers and butterflies after all.
The group hug is too comfy. They’d be far more awkward than they are. Zack and tifa don’t really know eachother – and when I last checked she hated him. And now he’s brought that bastard BACK there’d be a lot of resentment to work off. He’s entruding on the little life shes worked to build with cloud, and he’s doing it so easily when she worked so hard.
I don’t think “change” is the answer. I love what you’ve already written, and I’d be sad to see some of it go. So perhaps ease off a bit of the info dump, and then start adding and developing, because really- Cloud and Tifa’s reactions are the best bit, and the further into the fic you feed it the better.
Err... sorry for the rant. I just - I wanted to say one thing, and then I thought of something else and then... woops. never mind. Hope you think any of this is useful...
ST
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and how it is for them to see their friends again (not just by beeing ghosts but to be alive and be able to hug, kiss,... them again)
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Another problem you may want to bring up is that Zack and Aerith have had PLENTY of time to get used to Sane-not-going-on-a-killing-spree Seph. They may have difficultly in understanding, on a deep level, why Cloud and Tifa are freaking. Perhaps have one of the two understand while the other is still clueless about why Cloud and Tifa can't see how 'cute and fluffy' Seph can be? That would separate Zack and Aerith from being "ZackandAerith" at least.
Hope that helps in some small nebulous way....