askerian | T

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ofic: cercle

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omg I just tried to read my old original fic, sorta toying with the idea of rewriting it, and IT SUCKS. I mean, there are little details I really love, and some things that still make me laugh, and the characters, I miss them. And yeah, yeah, some of the scenes were pretty awesome. *buffs nails*

But it doesn't change the facts that:

-my writing was so awkward in places that I cringe when I read it again.

-Too much infodump, not enough stumbling over things people didn't know about,

-Alizea is a Sue. She's a half-angel who didn't know that she wasn't human!!, buried in pretty boys up to her neck (but she only wants one of them ohnoez), no one understands her pain, and she eventually becomes an archangel. (and omg so self-righteous. ack.)

-Ashram himself is pretty empty -- standard "hot, dangerous guy your parents warned you about, but still a nice guy underneath".

-Drao is pretty useless to the story, also he doesn't have enough issues seeing the sort of tragic past i gave him.

-I have all these species and all these customs, and yet most of my characters react to things just like humans would. THEY'RE NOT. (okay, the werewolf does react like a wolf most of the time) It's a waste of worldbuilding.

-Things in the background go too easy. They never have problems because they have no legal ID, for one thing. Alizea can't invite five 15-to-20 year old guys to live with her because she lives with her eeeevil uncle? BAM, she inherits a house from her old mentor who conveniently just keeled over. No legal problems from the grandsons either -- and the house is in perfect shape, with a bazillion rooms. HN. no.)

It really shows that I started writing that as a teenager. But I still love it...

So I want to rewrite it. Oh boy.

I can fix Ashram-- just have to up the "offensive language and acts of random violence" side. He's a demon, for god's sake, a demon bad boy isn't at the same level as a human bad boy. He shouldn't let Alizea stop him when people attack him, he should retaliate as violently as he used to do back home. (which means dead or at least badly mangled schoolboys.. oops.) He usually doesn't give a damn about Alizea's prudishness -- i should make him laugh at her about it. He'd be the kind of guy to find it funny.

I can fix Drao -- age him up so he's not a bishonen anymore, and so his "wisdom" side looks a bit more normal from a more mature person. I could make them have to fix up the house -- it would be fun.

I have no clue how to fix Alizea. =_=; she's like -- everyone's OMG around her. NO. especially since she had omg no friends back at school.

I do know that Askerian isn't going to crush on her this time, more like go "Yeah, she's cute, but she's sixteen. She's a baby. I'm seventy-five, for god's sake. ... okay, I'd still jump her. She's way past puberty. still, a baby." As for Reiyel, he'd fuck anything that moves, and I do mean anything, so he's still going to hit on her. He even hits on his own cousins, he had sex with orks and centaurs, he's not going to let a little thing like being millenaries older than her cause him a problem. (but that's Reiyel being Reiyel, so it doesn't count toward her sue-ism. XD)

Also, her dad needs to tell her to stop being a self-centered bitch. So yeah he feels guilty he had to leave her behind to go back home, but he's got a whole clan to lead who ALL descend from him, and if he'd stayed with her, it would have meant a civil war. He shouldn't emo so much about being cruel to her. It's not as if he's never had teenage daughters before.

... Ashram's dad probably isn't living with them at the moment. It's not as if demons marry. Also, he's only, what, 2000 years older than Ashram? Ash should be an adult by now. Meaning that if Ashram still lives with them, it's not going to be a "mommy, daddy, children" family, but a real clan thing, with great grandchildren and uncles and cousins and stuff. And none of them grows up at the same rate -- which means he's going to see people he doesn't know, and old guys who were kids last time he saw them, and mix up people with their daughters or stuff like that. Also, demons might live a really long time, but it doesn't mean that the years don't pass all the same. It's not going to fall back in place as if he'd left two weeks ago.

Fenris the werewolf... (shut up, it's a traditional name XD) I might have to change their meeting. Sure, it was cute as hell to have them meet first when he was just a cub and then a year later he's already a teenager because he stayed a wolf all along -- but then he should be so very not mature inside, not the human way. Besides, too easy. If they really sped up their aging that much by being wolves, Werewolves wouldn't live as long as they could, seeing as they stay half-wolves or wolves most of the time.

... and... and tons of other issues... *groans* the more i think and the more new issues pop up. argh. it's endless.

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I feel your pain! :) I keep wanting to go back to my first original story and rewrite it, but so much of it was UNoriginal, and it's hard to separate out the wheat from the chaff. :D One of these days I may try it, but it's the honest truth that I look at that thing and just cringe. :D

;_; it's evil isn't it -- all the good stuff that you can't separate from the "whee! n00b!!1!!" suckiness.

I'm sorry that you're finding so many issues to deal with in revision. My advice is to deal with them a little bit at a time--multiple drafts are useful, Asuka love. As for fixing Alizea...maybe try writing out a character bio? then tweaking it until you're happy with the character? Of course, changing the character will change the story, but that's what you're aiming for, right?

And you know I'm always willing to have you bounce ideas off me, so...don't give up? please! This world sounds so interesting and with some work (Okay, A LOT of work) I really think that this story would rock. ^____^
*hugs* *sends revision bunnies and luck and determination your way*

multiple drafts? but I'm lazy... T_T

I have a character bio of alizea, but I don't see how that helps. XD;;; And I very much want to keep some of the outcomes, so I can't change it too much. (if i make alizea different, there won't be any rei x aske!!! EVIL.)

*BOUNCES OFF YOU* *boiing boiing* ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

lazy? well, i'll just have to poke you...you've gotten me hooked on this universe, so I want to see the story. It sounds like it would fit nicely in my stack of favorites.

hmm...well...maybe keep her character the same, but change how people react to her? that should help with the Sue-ness. And who knows? Maybe by changing those around her, you'll be happier with her character.

*is bounced off of* ^____~

sex with orcs?! O_O

=__= he has this "try everything once" philosophy... Ashram teases him a lot about it, though, because Reiyel is VERY sure that there won't be no second time.

*mentally scarred* whu-- *cries*

your original story!icons are soo pretty~~ XD

j'espère qu'un jour tu trouveras le temps pour tout ça !

moi aussi =__=;;;;;

Wow, this sounds really interesting, I wish you much luck with your rewrites. They say you can tell how much an author has improved by how much they cringe when they look at their older works, guess you've improved at lot *laughs*

Out of interest, are you looking to get it published or is it more of a net thing?

#x____x# heh. boy do i have improved. There was no way to go but up.

It's probably gonna be a net thing, because it's a coming of age story, which means it's aimed at teenagers, which means "a love story between two male characters? We can't have that. Make Askerian a woman, it won't change much." Besides the story starts all about Alizea and Ashram, but slowly the focus shifts, and so in the end it's as much about Askerian and Reiyel, if not more. If I want to sell it, the main characters have to be the same all along, I think. =__=;;;

As I see it, there are two options for the focus problem.

1. The Kurama and Hiei way. They completely stole the show, by remaining secondary characters, albeit very important secondary characters. They're Yuusuke's true counterparts; first as teammates, then second-in-command for three different Makai lords.

2. Shift the focus. Make the narrator Askerian. Alizea becomes the catalyst for driving the plot and bringing all the other people in, but it's Askerian making the record of it. Therefore it becomes his story, about how he got caught up in this series of events, how he changed, what he learned... not Alizea.

And don't make Askerian a woman. Part of how he grows is learning to accept Reiyel. Being able to do that even past one's "coming of age" (BULLSHIT) is extremely relevant as regards the current social changes in the post-industrial world.

Well... one thing you can do about Alizea is work more on the reaction people have TO her, and how she developes with it. If she's so ideally adorable and with such a torrid past (and still a nice person even though no one understands her pain) there are bound to be characters who have problems with her because of it.
Maybe she, herself, could on some level be aware of the hypocrisy of not wanting to believe people COULD understand her because it would isolate her less. Maybe, if she's a goody two-shoes, she could be confronted with how extreme goodwill can be hurtful to other people.

If SHE cannot be changed too much, then work with her environment and tweak up the realism-factor. From your fanfics I've seen you deal with a number of topics on a mature and realistic bent, you're good with nuances and dealing with - oh noes! - 'the unspoken' in relationships. Maybe you could take it from there?

Ugh, this sounds very ranty and doesn't make much sense, but I hope it helped a little, or was food for thought, at least. :)

it does make sense, thank you ^__^ yeah, I guess people should really start reacting to her like she's an angry teenager, not a princess. That would help a lot. ^__^

(oi, smexy icon! *licks*)

I think you don't have to changer her just as long as you are careful with how her environment works. :) Sounds like an interesting story, anyway.

Not that I've READ the story/novella/whatev in question (though I do know it exists)....

But I personally hate doing rewrites. At least when they mean, 'okay now I'm going to leave all this intact and just do these next three scenes over again... and then I'll have to change that thing three chapters ahead for continuity....'. HatehateHATE.

My advice is just start over. Take all your characters and all your background and any of the little scene-bits you still like to braid back into it... and then start again from 'once upon a time'. Makes it feel less like painful death. :D

I have an original bunny breathing quietly somewhere in the back of my head. I'm carefully ignoring it so that it grows into something tangible.

good suggestion. i might have to, yeah. =_=; thanks, love. i'm trying to find motivation to start. it's going to be HUGE. like 300 pages huge. x_x *dies*

...And then you can get it published and be a writer. *_*

XD hah, right. i can dream.

We all can. Some are just more inclined to work on it than others. :D (at least you've WRITTEN a book... *mutter*)

Just wanted to say this; I heard it a couple of days ago, and thought you might be amused. I sat there for a few moments myself, in stunned silence, before erupting into uncontrollable laughter for about fifteen minutes.

"The French are such a funny race; they fight with thier feet, and fuck with thier face."

Horrible, but oh gods. So funny. X.x

Though I probably only find it so hilarious because of my fascination with Savate.

...XD;;;;;;;;;;

My father practiced savate. he was good, too. (and then he broke his kneecap. =_=;; ) taught me a few things, but i've forgotten it all.

A few years ago I was completely absorbed in Roleplaying. Mostly the "creating original characters" thing. So I decided I wanted to try writing stories about the characters I had made.

When I reread those stories now I cringe. A lot. Seriously, most of the females turned into Mary Sues, and the guys were mindless bishies -.-

So when I started writing fanfiction, I decided "Hey, I wanna try creating original characters again!", so I tried once again. This time, however, I made most of them as children of some of my old characters, since I loved them too much to change them, even if they were all screaming "SUE!" at me ^.^;a
It worked better, but I wasn't satisfied. So I tried again. And I created Kithaniel, which is my current favorite original character. Seriously, I love him like a brother XD
But when I look that the character sheets I wrote for him and glance at the others, I see a lot of things that I've reused, but they work much better of I mix them with something new.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... Good luck with the rewrite, I know it can be a real bitch, but sometimes you've gotta know when to smack that bitch up and tell it what to do ^.^;a

AHAHA YOUR ICON. so ridiculously appropriate. XD

I feel your pain. yeah. *cuddles* =____=

Not so much pain anymore (exept for when I can hear my old stories haunt me with groans of "Suuuuuue. SUUUE!" from the depths of my harddrive XD ), and I have a lot of fun with Kithaniel, now.

(And thanks to art class I have finally decided on a look for him, W00t!)

At least we are some of the people who grew up realizing they had written a (or several) Sue and hated it, instead of fully embracing the pink, flowery, sugary heroine with the OMG-so-dark-and-sad-and-mysterious-past!!!!11oneeleven XD

*cuddles you back* But shared pain is half pain.

^^;; i had this problem with some of my old works. but my answer was to simply store the story away. it was a good idea at the time, and i've grown since then, and the story, while less good to me now as it was then, still remains mine.

besides, re-doing your old works feels like being hypocritical when you were proud of them before.

so eh, whatever you do, that's my take. also, Askerian = raaar sexy like Sasuke.

also, what did you use to get the muscles on Aske-unicorn and Rei-horse right?

besides, re-doing your old works feels like being hypocritical when you were proud of them before.

I really don't see how. The story grew up, just like I did. I told it badly back then. Now I would be able to tell it better. It's not as if that world had died; i'm not done with it, I wasn't done when I stopped writing.

and magic. and photoshop. :D

oh. eh. see, i figured that you had. finished, i mean. eh.

oh yeah, did you know there's little wooden posable figurine of a horsey you could use? it's cute. i want.

Hmmm...you could try giving Alizea a more minor part from the beginning, if you really can't fix her in the end. Alternatively, some Mary Sue stories can be fun, so long as you're completely shameless about it (on the other hand, that generally means no angst, which in this case doesn't sound very possible).

And if you want to, instead of changing the meeting with the werewolf, you could have him still be a child later on in the story (every story needs a cute fuzzy thing right?). It's not like every character in a story needs to be of fuckable age.

it's not really possible to give her a more minor part, though, seeing as everything starts and goes on because she exists. Without her the other characters would never even meet.

Can't have him be a child if he's going to be a fighter. But I can make them meet later, so that's not so bad. ^^; (and i'm very much against the obligatory useless cute/fuzzy thing, so... XD)

Oh noes I can't help again. D: <- is not a writer

I'm most likely still in the omgsuxorz stage, since I haven't practiced in ages. ;__;

Bunnies breed like mad in my head, but they stay there. I'm all, "Yes that would be awesome I wish someone would write it, eeee maybe I can try?" But then by the time I've found paper and a writing utensil, or have logged on my computer, I've lost it. TT____TT

They're doomed to be in my head forevermore. :B

If you really don't like the way you did it, starting over seems like a plan to me. :3
Maybe....You shouldn't try too hard? Don't force it, let it come to you. Relax and it'll, what's the word I'm looking for?, flow?

I really like the sound of these characters, the 'verse sounds very interesting. I'm excited about getting to read some future tidbit of this re-written story. :D

Good luck! *gives you cookies and chocolate and cake and other sweet things that start with c* x3

Ehhh bien... Ca fait longtemps ^^
Mais je suis d'accord avec toi sur la plupart des points XD Autant j'adore toujours cette histoire, autant... bon ben tu étais jeune quand tu l'as écrite et ça se ressent quand on la relit ^^
Si tu arrives vraiment à réécrire (je te souhaite bon courage ; je pense faire pareil pour une vieille originale et j'ai encore écrit que deux pages en six mois), et bien... Ne doute pas que je suis partante pour la relire ;p
Il y a du tout bon en tout cas, surtout dans le monde que tu as créé. Enfin c'est vrai qu'on en apprend plus en lisant les HS que l'histoire elle même jusqu'à présent ^^;
J'ai hâte de voir ce que tu arriveras à sortir ^^

I've noticed that all of us who have written an original story in high school tend to feel the very same way when it comes to re-reading...

But it's always fun to see how you can change it to make it better...

Alizea does sound half bad if you work her reactions right- a quirk, a flaw that is as much annoying as endearing and is a sympton of an actually personality flaw (aka no she can't sing well-- its character development).

She gets self-righteous without having all the facts, no clue how normal social interactions work, is bossy and know-it-all, assumes only the best in people and gets badly burned, clings to people she shouldn't, reacts to stress by ignoring it, and/or is obsessive-complesive in her life.

You take the greatest virtue and invert.

The others sound fun. And the Bishie factor doesn't kick it unless it is a harem fic-- most of the other characters seem to be related/see her as a kid/distrub her on several different levels/are gay.

I am voting Askerian to be a transgendered higher power that does really get why having dangly bits makes a difference in loving someone. Knows it but doesn't really get.

I'm vote for a threesome.

yeah, i'm thinking that if I just make people react more realistically to her, the sue-ness will get better, so it's fine.

Askerian is very much a stallion and very much straight, sorry. XD (he wouldn't mind having a harem of pretty girls, though. XD) Macho, too. Comes from being curly-haired and a bit too pretty. "I'LL SHOW YOU I'M ALL MALE, BITCH."

... Ashram's brother is married to a girl and a boy... ^___^ too bad they're not major characters. And all the demons sleep around.

/yeah, i'm thinking that if I just make people react more realistically to her, the sue-ness will get better, so it's fine. /

Everything in context. Sue-ness is not sue-ness if the other characters can call her a little twit with out being demonized or falsely sympathic.

I am add my two sense in to her plain freaking out with the entire my-dad-left-me-and-got-to-lead-a-clan-of-angels-meaning-I-an-half-divine-can't-get-a-date-for-prom-and-all-the-cute-guys-staying-with-me-are-REALLY-weird-can't-I-just-go-back-to-bed-please.

C'est compréhensible que tu veuilles reprendre tt ça (cool !!! ca va faire une autre version !!! youuuhouuu *aucune pitié pr l'autrice xD mdr*) mais en mm tps, une histoire légère où on se prend pas la tête pour savoir où va loger tt ce ptit monde et cmt ils ont hérité de la maison de la vieille, c'est bien aussi !! xD
(enfinnn, certainement parce que comme tu dis, tu as écris ça qd t'étais ado, et comme je suis ado (NONNN!!! ;o;)(si), ben ça doit être pr ça que c'est pas dérangeant ^^)
C'est le genre d'histoire qu'on aime bien, avec de boooo démons partout xD, un monde magique en parallèle...
Alors moi j'adore !! ^-^

Bonne chance pr la réécriture qd mm xD (ms laisse nous aussi la premiere version !!! *puppy eyes* lol)

avez-vous aucune idée quel heureuse vous me venez faire? je ne parle pas beaucoup de français, mais j'ai compris votre remarque ET que vous avez écrit 133t français ET j'ai compris des (ummm... abbreviations? sais pas le mot droit).

non, vous ne me connaissez pas, je suis seulement une pauvre étudiante, mais je vous adore, parce que je vous comprends.

sigh.

excusez-moi pour ma mauvaise grammaire, j'ai seulement quatre ans de votre langue et je n'ai fait pas le plus parte de mes devoirs. :)

You're speaking 'bout my com?? -^^- hehe, happy to make you happy xDDD (i'm going to let comments on your blog - to let FRENCH comments just for you to read them!!xD MWAAAHAhAHAHAHAHA (well, i'll let some of them in english)(just for me to write in english xD))

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T_T

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oooh!

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Urgh, rewriting old stories

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sadly, i have a terrible accent....

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