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Homestuck - JohnKat(+Others) ficlets
Silly pesterlog in response to someone giving me a cheerleading Karkat
--
CG: JOHN.
CG: DO NOT EVEN PRETEND YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CLOTHES UNDERGOING SOME STRANGE METAMORPHOSIS FROM HARDY, SERVICEABLE CATERPILLAR TO FANCY-COLORED FLUTTERING TARGETS.
CG: SINCE I KNOW METAPHORS ARE HARD FOR YOU, I AM REFERRING TO THE SLEEVELESS TOP PROCLAIMING MY LOVE AND SUPPORT FOR SOME GROTESQUE CARTOON ANIMAL AND THE PLEATED BELT WITH PRETENSIONS OF SKIRTDOM.
EB: i have no idea about your meaning at all, karkat! you should probably take a picture to illustrate because your words are much too fancy for my poor thinking sponge.
EB: (hehehe)
CG: IT'S THINKSPONGE, TAINT-TICKLER.
CG: I HAVE NO IDEA IF I SHOULD BE GLAD OR NOT THAT YOU DECIDED NOT TO INCLUDE ANY UNDERWEAR IN YOUR LITTLE MAGIC TRICK, BECAUSE MY BOXERS STICK OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF THE SKIRT AND IT LOOKS IRRETRIEVABLY STUPID.
CG: BUT WITHOUT YOU NO ONE WOUD HAVE COMPLIMENTED THE WAY MY BICEPS LOOK IN THAT SHIRT, AND I WOULD STILL BE SLOWLY COOKING ALIVE, SO THANK YOU FOR THE EGO BOOST AND FOR GIVING ME THE MEANS TO COOL DOWN THE WHOLE OF MY LEGS FROM ANKLE TO UNDERBUTT.
EB: wait, what??
EB: haha good joke, as if you would really put on that outfit.
EB: ...
EB: pics or it didn't happen.
EB: karkat?
EB: karkat come on.
EB: :(
------
John/Karkat species swap
--
Amongst the tidbits of information on humans Johonn bothers to retain (hey, he's busy playing a game here!) the one thing that really stays with him is "sexually dimorphic," because as that blueblood dude explained snootily to him, it means anything that does not result in offspring is taboo.
So, uh, pretty much means Kars can't be flirting pitch, which is okay because Johonn found him more hilarious than threatening.
And they have long soul-baring conversations (amongst the jokes and the stupid) and they have similar responsibilities and burdens, and...
Well, it's a good thing he knew humans don't do the same sex kissing thing, or his little paleflush thing might have turned out redder, and also he really wants to give flush dating Vris a try anyways.
So he keeps teasing and prodding Karkat to get back up and keep trying, and tries to fix his deficient cinema gland with injections of great classics, and tries not to tell him "nah it's okay to just curl up and pause it all for a while, let me curl up around you and maybe distract you bodily."
It helps that he has Vris to make out with -- up until he doesn't anymore. Crap, shit, fuck, he doesn't have her anymore, he liked her so much even though she's a bit of a bitch and he would have shared her with Tavv no problem, it's not like they even want the same quadrant, this isn't fair.
He might end up sniffling on Kars' shoulder. Maybe. A little. And they might end up cuddling on the couch, and he might end up with a soft human hand on the base of his horn -- ooh -- and a soft human neck offered to his teeth, trusting and sheltering and he can hide in there.
He sniffles for a while because he was dumped but, wow, yes, this is, is this a pile, there are pillows and blankets and he's pretty sure that's a human pile, and he's been trying to get Kars to admit he was totally pale for him for ages! And this is what it takes. Johonn laughs a bit wetly and tackles him and hugs him tight, kisses that soft, trustingly offered neck, wow, this is so ridiculously pale, haha --
-- ha.
Uh.
"Kars?"
"Oh my god," he whines, hands plastered to his face, "shut up, no, don't say anything, I forbid you, this is my dying wish, you can't disrespect that, I will haunt you."
Johonn blinks some more, arches an eyebrow. "Is that your bulge."
A tortured whimper answers him; it's reflex to smooth his hand down Kars's face, but it only makes him splutter and stare at Johonn like he's being weird and then he's right back to freaking out and not pacified at all. Which is not flattering, wow.
"Okay, you're gonna have to explain what's wrong to me, palebuddy."
(Hehe. Daring.)
"I'm so gay," Kars replies, or whimpers, or wails, or something in between. "Sullying our platonic broship right when you need it the most, I'm the literal worst!"
"Uh, okay?"
"But I can't even be gay right, oh lord, why am I a freak of nature, why are tits so nice."
It takes them a full jamming session before Johonn even understand the problem.
"Are you kidding me, your problem is that you're totally normal??!"
"My problem is the full body cuddles with crotch action you submitted me to, you awful tease, as if I would be your rebound, even if you looked at me twice that way because let's face it you wouldn't," and Johonn has to admit that Vris might have sort of a little bit been a rebound for Kars before he will calm his heaving absence of tits.
Johonn later figures that as long as Rrhoze never hears a word of it and they slow down the jams at that nebulous point in time when he gets himself a real palemate there's nothing all that bad about being palesprits for now.
For one thing if they're not 100% pale he can kiss Kars' mouth silent when he blasphemes against Niklas Kayidg.
------
John/Karkat, alien abduction
--
Karkat makes it all the way to the last perigee before Ascension.
Then of course the fact that he hasn't delivered a single pail yet sends up flags, which he was expecting, and he'd planned to stay home and face his death with stoic resolve which is why he's running away from his hive as fast as his stolen scuttlebuggy can take him, having left his dad safely behind. He has five sickles and a stolen gun he doesn't really know how to use and he manages to wing one of the drones before the buggy explodes and flips Karkat like a pancake with delusions of circus artistry.
Wow, all that red on the ground.
He's expecting claws rending him to pieces; instead death comes in a ray of blinding light.
He wakes up to a brown face with stark-white sclera, entirely hornless in a way that has his gorge rising thinking about exposed hornbeds and brains falling out of the holes, he wakes up in a daylight-bleached blue room, tied to a padded surface and surrounded by strange machinery.
The (death emissary?) (alien?) shows him Alternia and its moons, growing smaller and smaller.
He freaks out.
--
Later -- much later -- John-the-alien tells him he figured if Karkat was going to be dead soon it meant no one would be missing him so why not, but by that point and considering the fact that John still hasn't declared his presence on his ship to his superiors, Karkat knows what he meant was "rescue first, think up justification later."
He doesn't know if it's pitch or pale. But he's drifting, unmoored from trollhood and the life he should have (never) had and it doesn't matter which it is, whether it's both at once, all at once. It's what he has now.
When John tries to sneak him onto one of those rebel worlds with deserter trolls everywhere he plants his claws in the walls and he says desert with me, let's go right back to Alternia to offer our expert kidnap services to other cullbaity assholes. It's the only thing that will work for him, the only thing he can live with, can make his life into so it's worth the waste of all that potential he would have never been allowed to serve his Empire with.
John says okay like it's the easiest (flushest) thing in the universe.
------
John&Karkat, ghostbusters
--
Karkat is the strangest poltergeist they've ever met.
Most dangerous too, says Rose, but John isn't too sure why, because he might have done a lot of property damage but he never dumped a broken window or a cutlery drawer on anyone.
Okay, they can't exorcise him -- when they tried he got unstuck from his place of residence just long enough to get stuck to John instead and none of them have figured out how to unstick him a second time. That might be a problem. But he has to admit -- when he crawls into his hotel room after a wendigo, or a possession gone really bad, he...
(JESUS DICK ON A ROCKET FUCK, HOW ARE YOUR BRAINS NOT SPLATTERED ALONG A NON NEGLIGIBLE CHUNK OF THE INTERSTATE AT THIS POINT, THAT IS AGAINST ALL LAWS OF FAIRNESS AND EVOLUTION, YOU ARE MAKING THE GHOST OF CHARLES DARWIN CRY.)
He's oddly glad, when he puts his cell phone down on the bed beside him because he's too tired to hold it up, and reams and reams of messages he didn't write start spooling across his screen.
(YOU ARE RIDICULOUS. AND VERY IMPROBABLE, JOHN EGBERT, THE MOST UNLIKELY MAN I HAVE EVER HEARD OF. CONSIDERING I'M A FUCKING SPIRIT YOU MIGHT MUSTER ENOUGH ENERGY TO BE SUITABLY IMPRESSED HERE.)
(thanks,) he types, with a single index, (FOR WHAT, ASSHOLE,) (for tripping her,) (THAT WAS JUST HER SHOELACES,) and he laughs and says sure it was because she was barefoot and if there is anything cooler or more reassuring than being friends with a force of fury manifest John isn't sure what it is.
He doesn't even care when the hat stand topples over and his hat lands across his face; he falls asleep right there, to the endless chiming ping of new angry messages of denial and sick burns, like a one-note lullaby.
------
John/Jade/Karkat, rock stars AU
--
They do it more often with girl groupies, which John is glad Jade doesn't mind because boobs are awesome, okay, but he looks so starstruck in a way boys let themselves be so rarely and it's... really nice. Flattering. (Hot.) So when Jade reaches out into the crowd to grasp his hand John leans in after her to grab his biceps and lift him bodily onto the stage. (He's pretty sure the guy and several of the girls around him cream their pants. Hehehe, look at that mangrit.)
The guy is stiff and disbelieving as they tug him between them and start yelling into their mikes over his shoulder at first, as they grind the beat of their latest tube right into his crotch and little butt, but he melts all dazed and pretty in their arms and after a minute whenever John glances away from the crowd he sees him mouthing their lyrics silently alongside them.
Jade fake-roars and pretends to take a bite out of his arm (she does press her teeth in, just enough to make the guy go rigid in their arms again) and John grabs his wrist and brandishes his arm like a trophy and grins all bright teeth at the crowd. When the lights go out with a last sudden clang they ghost him away from the stage, and he's pretty sure Jade uses the darkness to cop a feel.
They're pretty happy to find him still waiting, flushed dark cherry red, after they've abandoned him to go back onstage to bow and say goodbye.
He's so awkward and cute and he babbles the most hilarious inanities that John swoops in and kisses him before Jade can.
"You wanna see our lodge?" Jade asks, and the guy goes "It's that or being arrested for indecent exposure" and then spends five minutes explaining that he meant his outrageous hard-on and not any molesting he might commit on either of them in public oh lord someone drop an amp on my head and silence me forever, and Jade kisses him second.
They don't invite boy groupies up as often, but this one is so funny and so eager and so cute and if he keeps being that fun John thinks they might even invite him twice.
It can only get better once everyone's clothes are off, anyway.
------
john/karkat the family you choose with daemons
--
John is a perfect human brother, from what Karkat understands about human brothers. He's brattish, true, but helpful and welcoming, he's not a total asshole the way the Striders are to each other.
Aiolos, on the other hand -- Aiolos who is, from what Karkat understands of daemons, supposed to be a mirror reflection of John -- is a total. Fucking. Feathery turd.
He pecks Kulira on her head (and Karkat feels it) and plucks her fur and her quills, and he tries to perch on her long but delicate ears and -- and Karkat isn't sure he should care, at first, because he's never had a daemon before, humans are weird, the weirdest, and maybe they should be managing it between the two of them with no humans involved beczuse Karkat doesn't know Kulira and doesn't even really care about her and fuck that noise.
Aiolos divebombs for the sixth time today and Kulira makes a weird fed-up bunny-snarl, and he has John pinned on his bedroom floor before he can think (Kulira jumping in the air to mule-kick the bird in the chest yess go for it girl!) and his face is in John's face and he goes very, very quiet when he asks John why, if daemons are supposed to be reflections of their humans, Aiolos is hateflirting so hard with someone John does not want to kiss.
Turns out John is very bad at self-reflection and even worse at pretending he doesn't understand why his jay would ever be crooning at Karkat's hedgebunny.
------
John/Karkat, midnight on the demon patrol
--
"Penile fracture" is the kind of words which usually makes John laugh, because the words and the images they conjure are both kind of ridiculous if you don't think about it seriously, and he's trying not to think of it seriously, so it works for him.
(Also hahaha oh god what did Dave even DO to his ding-dong, this is hilarious, I am hilaried.)
When Karkat is curled into a knot on his mattress, curled around his stomach even though it's full and the pain that makes him shaken and listless is entirely psychosomatic it's not funny at all.
Opening a vein would be easier on John, but considering how starved Karkat is he'd have to open a dozen.
He takes in a deep breath and kneels down on the mattress and smoothes his hand down Karkat's bristly hair, more soothing than sexy, and when Karkat startles and looks at him he smiles, crooked, and says, "Fair warning, if you break my dick off I'm taking it and going home."
--
CG: JOHN.
CG: DO NOT EVEN PRETEND YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CLOTHES UNDERGOING SOME STRANGE METAMORPHOSIS FROM HARDY, SERVICEABLE CATERPILLAR TO FANCY-COLORED FLUTTERING TARGETS.
CG: SINCE I KNOW METAPHORS ARE HARD FOR YOU, I AM REFERRING TO THE SLEEVELESS TOP PROCLAIMING MY LOVE AND SUPPORT FOR SOME GROTESQUE CARTOON ANIMAL AND THE PLEATED BELT WITH PRETENSIONS OF SKIRTDOM.
EB: i have no idea about your meaning at all, karkat! you should probably take a picture to illustrate because your words are much too fancy for my poor thinking sponge.
EB: (hehehe)
CG: IT'S THINKSPONGE, TAINT-TICKLER.
CG: I HAVE NO IDEA IF I SHOULD BE GLAD OR NOT THAT YOU DECIDED NOT TO INCLUDE ANY UNDERWEAR IN YOUR LITTLE MAGIC TRICK, BECAUSE MY BOXERS STICK OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF THE SKIRT AND IT LOOKS IRRETRIEVABLY STUPID.
CG: BUT WITHOUT YOU NO ONE WOUD HAVE COMPLIMENTED THE WAY MY BICEPS LOOK IN THAT SHIRT, AND I WOULD STILL BE SLOWLY COOKING ALIVE, SO THANK YOU FOR THE EGO BOOST AND FOR GIVING ME THE MEANS TO COOL DOWN THE WHOLE OF MY LEGS FROM ANKLE TO UNDERBUTT.
EB: wait, what??
EB: haha good joke, as if you would really put on that outfit.
EB: ...
EB: pics or it didn't happen.
EB: karkat?
EB: karkat come on.
EB: :(
------
John/Karkat species swap
--
Amongst the tidbits of information on humans Johonn bothers to retain (hey, he's busy playing a game here!) the one thing that really stays with him is "sexually dimorphic," because as that blueblood dude explained snootily to him, it means anything that does not result in offspring is taboo.
So, uh, pretty much means Kars can't be flirting pitch, which is okay because Johonn found him more hilarious than threatening.
And they have long soul-baring conversations (amongst the jokes and the stupid) and they have similar responsibilities and burdens, and...
Well, it's a good thing he knew humans don't do the same sex kissing thing, or his little paleflush thing might have turned out redder, and also he really wants to give flush dating Vris a try anyways.
So he keeps teasing and prodding Karkat to get back up and keep trying, and tries to fix his deficient cinema gland with injections of great classics, and tries not to tell him "nah it's okay to just curl up and pause it all for a while, let me curl up around you and maybe distract you bodily."
It helps that he has Vris to make out with -- up until he doesn't anymore. Crap, shit, fuck, he doesn't have her anymore, he liked her so much even though she's a bit of a bitch and he would have shared her with Tavv no problem, it's not like they even want the same quadrant, this isn't fair.
He might end up sniffling on Kars' shoulder. Maybe. A little. And they might end up cuddling on the couch, and he might end up with a soft human hand on the base of his horn -- ooh -- and a soft human neck offered to his teeth, trusting and sheltering and he can hide in there.
He sniffles for a while because he was dumped but, wow, yes, this is, is this a pile, there are pillows and blankets and he's pretty sure that's a human pile, and he's been trying to get Kars to admit he was totally pale for him for ages! And this is what it takes. Johonn laughs a bit wetly and tackles him and hugs him tight, kisses that soft, trustingly offered neck, wow, this is so ridiculously pale, haha --
-- ha.
Uh.
"Kars?"
"Oh my god," he whines, hands plastered to his face, "shut up, no, don't say anything, I forbid you, this is my dying wish, you can't disrespect that, I will haunt you."
Johonn blinks some more, arches an eyebrow. "Is that your bulge."
A tortured whimper answers him; it's reflex to smooth his hand down Kars's face, but it only makes him splutter and stare at Johonn like he's being weird and then he's right back to freaking out and not pacified at all. Which is not flattering, wow.
"Okay, you're gonna have to explain what's wrong to me, palebuddy."
(Hehe. Daring.)
"I'm so gay," Kars replies, or whimpers, or wails, or something in between. "Sullying our platonic broship right when you need it the most, I'm the literal worst!"
"Uh, okay?"
"But I can't even be gay right, oh lord, why am I a freak of nature, why are tits so nice."
It takes them a full jamming session before Johonn even understand the problem.
"Are you kidding me, your problem is that you're totally normal??!"
"My problem is the full body cuddles with crotch action you submitted me to, you awful tease, as if I would be your rebound, even if you looked at me twice that way because let's face it you wouldn't," and Johonn has to admit that Vris might have sort of a little bit been a rebound for Kars before he will calm his heaving absence of tits.
Johonn later figures that as long as Rrhoze never hears a word of it and they slow down the jams at that nebulous point in time when he gets himself a real palemate there's nothing all that bad about being palesprits for now.
For one thing if they're not 100% pale he can kiss Kars' mouth silent when he blasphemes against Niklas Kayidg.
------
John/Karkat, alien abduction
--
Karkat makes it all the way to the last perigee before Ascension.
Then of course the fact that he hasn't delivered a single pail yet sends up flags, which he was expecting, and he'd planned to stay home and face his death with stoic resolve which is why he's running away from his hive as fast as his stolen scuttlebuggy can take him, having left his dad safely behind. He has five sickles and a stolen gun he doesn't really know how to use and he manages to wing one of the drones before the buggy explodes and flips Karkat like a pancake with delusions of circus artistry.
Wow, all that red on the ground.
He's expecting claws rending him to pieces; instead death comes in a ray of blinding light.
He wakes up to a brown face with stark-white sclera, entirely hornless in a way that has his gorge rising thinking about exposed hornbeds and brains falling out of the holes, he wakes up in a daylight-bleached blue room, tied to a padded surface and surrounded by strange machinery.
The (death emissary?) (alien?) shows him Alternia and its moons, growing smaller and smaller.
He freaks out.
--
Later -- much later -- John-the-alien tells him he figured if Karkat was going to be dead soon it meant no one would be missing him so why not, but by that point and considering the fact that John still hasn't declared his presence on his ship to his superiors, Karkat knows what he meant was "rescue first, think up justification later."
He doesn't know if it's pitch or pale. But he's drifting, unmoored from trollhood and the life he should have (never) had and it doesn't matter which it is, whether it's both at once, all at once. It's what he has now.
When John tries to sneak him onto one of those rebel worlds with deserter trolls everywhere he plants his claws in the walls and he says desert with me, let's go right back to Alternia to offer our expert kidnap services to other cullbaity assholes. It's the only thing that will work for him, the only thing he can live with, can make his life into so it's worth the waste of all that potential he would have never been allowed to serve his Empire with.
John says okay like it's the easiest (flushest) thing in the universe.
------
John&Karkat, ghostbusters
--
Karkat is the strangest poltergeist they've ever met.
Most dangerous too, says Rose, but John isn't too sure why, because he might have done a lot of property damage but he never dumped a broken window or a cutlery drawer on anyone.
Okay, they can't exorcise him -- when they tried he got unstuck from his place of residence just long enough to get stuck to John instead and none of them have figured out how to unstick him a second time. That might be a problem. But he has to admit -- when he crawls into his hotel room after a wendigo, or a possession gone really bad, he...
(JESUS DICK ON A ROCKET FUCK, HOW ARE YOUR BRAINS NOT SPLATTERED ALONG A NON NEGLIGIBLE CHUNK OF THE INTERSTATE AT THIS POINT, THAT IS AGAINST ALL LAWS OF FAIRNESS AND EVOLUTION, YOU ARE MAKING THE GHOST OF CHARLES DARWIN CRY.)
He's oddly glad, when he puts his cell phone down on the bed beside him because he's too tired to hold it up, and reams and reams of messages he didn't write start spooling across his screen.
(YOU ARE RIDICULOUS. AND VERY IMPROBABLE, JOHN EGBERT, THE MOST UNLIKELY MAN I HAVE EVER HEARD OF. CONSIDERING I'M A FUCKING SPIRIT YOU MIGHT MUSTER ENOUGH ENERGY TO BE SUITABLY IMPRESSED HERE.)
(thanks,) he types, with a single index, (FOR WHAT, ASSHOLE,) (for tripping her,) (THAT WAS JUST HER SHOELACES,) and he laughs and says sure it was because she was barefoot and if there is anything cooler or more reassuring than being friends with a force of fury manifest John isn't sure what it is.
He doesn't even care when the hat stand topples over and his hat lands across his face; he falls asleep right there, to the endless chiming ping of new angry messages of denial and sick burns, like a one-note lullaby.
------
John/Jade/Karkat, rock stars AU
--
They do it more often with girl groupies, which John is glad Jade doesn't mind because boobs are awesome, okay, but he looks so starstruck in a way boys let themselves be so rarely and it's... really nice. Flattering. (Hot.) So when Jade reaches out into the crowd to grasp his hand John leans in after her to grab his biceps and lift him bodily onto the stage. (He's pretty sure the guy and several of the girls around him cream their pants. Hehehe, look at that mangrit.)
The guy is stiff and disbelieving as they tug him between them and start yelling into their mikes over his shoulder at first, as they grind the beat of their latest tube right into his crotch and little butt, but he melts all dazed and pretty in their arms and after a minute whenever John glances away from the crowd he sees him mouthing their lyrics silently alongside them.
Jade fake-roars and pretends to take a bite out of his arm (she does press her teeth in, just enough to make the guy go rigid in their arms again) and John grabs his wrist and brandishes his arm like a trophy and grins all bright teeth at the crowd. When the lights go out with a last sudden clang they ghost him away from the stage, and he's pretty sure Jade uses the darkness to cop a feel.
They're pretty happy to find him still waiting, flushed dark cherry red, after they've abandoned him to go back onstage to bow and say goodbye.
He's so awkward and cute and he babbles the most hilarious inanities that John swoops in and kisses him before Jade can.
"You wanna see our lodge?" Jade asks, and the guy goes "It's that or being arrested for indecent exposure" and then spends five minutes explaining that he meant his outrageous hard-on and not any molesting he might commit on either of them in public oh lord someone drop an amp on my head and silence me forever, and Jade kisses him second.
They don't invite boy groupies up as often, but this one is so funny and so eager and so cute and if he keeps being that fun John thinks they might even invite him twice.
It can only get better once everyone's clothes are off, anyway.
------
john/karkat the family you choose with daemons
--
John is a perfect human brother, from what Karkat understands about human brothers. He's brattish, true, but helpful and welcoming, he's not a total asshole the way the Striders are to each other.
Aiolos, on the other hand -- Aiolos who is, from what Karkat understands of daemons, supposed to be a mirror reflection of John -- is a total. Fucking. Feathery turd.
He pecks Kulira on her head (and Karkat feels it) and plucks her fur and her quills, and he tries to perch on her long but delicate ears and -- and Karkat isn't sure he should care, at first, because he's never had a daemon before, humans are weird, the weirdest, and maybe they should be managing it between the two of them with no humans involved beczuse Karkat doesn't know Kulira and doesn't even really care about her and fuck that noise.
Aiolos divebombs for the sixth time today and Kulira makes a weird fed-up bunny-snarl, and he has John pinned on his bedroom floor before he can think (Kulira jumping in the air to mule-kick the bird in the chest yess go for it girl!) and his face is in John's face and he goes very, very quiet when he asks John why, if daemons are supposed to be reflections of their humans, Aiolos is hateflirting so hard with someone John does not want to kiss.
Turns out John is very bad at self-reflection and even worse at pretending he doesn't understand why his jay would ever be crooning at Karkat's hedgebunny.
------
John/Karkat, midnight on the demon patrol
--
"Penile fracture" is the kind of words which usually makes John laugh, because the words and the images they conjure are both kind of ridiculous if you don't think about it seriously, and he's trying not to think of it seriously, so it works for him.
(Also hahaha oh god what did Dave even DO to his ding-dong, this is hilarious, I am hilaried.)
When Karkat is curled into a knot on his mattress, curled around his stomach even though it's full and the pain that makes him shaken and listless is entirely psychosomatic it's not funny at all.
Opening a vein would be easier on John, but considering how starved Karkat is he'd have to open a dozen.
He takes in a deep breath and kneels down on the mattress and smoothes his hand down Karkat's bristly hair, more soothing than sexy, and when Karkat startles and looks at him he smiles, crooked, and says, "Fair warning, if you break my dick off I'm taking it and going home."
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Also, I quite like the idea of the two of them flying around space saving cull-bait. Also grin.