Sunlightverse - (Condesce&GH) Wherein Two Palemates Discuss A Potential Kismesis ...

[askerian]

... And Also One Of The Moirails' Bulge, At Length.

Contains: Pale GH/Condie, PaleFlush Handmaid/Darkleer/Dad, horrible fish puns, the Grand Highblood's bulge.

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-- tumblingCraniums [TC] started trolling codComplex [CC] --

TC: I AM SO MOTHERFUCKING SICK AND HELLS OF TIRED OF THAT FREAK-ASSED BLIGHTBLOOD NOT JUMPING ON MY FUCKING BULGE ALREADY.
TC: so tired and sick
TC: THE SHEER NERVE OF THAT SHINEBLOOD UPSTART DANGLING ME ON HIS BARBED STRING
CC: A][a][a][a][a.
CC: Don't tell me you still ][aven't gotten anyw][ere wit][ t][at ][uman.
TC: WON'T FUCKING TELL YOU THEN
TC: will keep my diamond shut in
TC: GETTING ITS DUST AND CRACKS ON LIKE SOME BITCH SLAMMED IT INTO THE GROUND AND GROUND HER PRETTY HEEL ALL UP ON IT FOR GOOD MEASURE.
CC: Fairly accurate!
CC: O][ w][ale! I need somefin to laug][ at and you'll keep w][ining if I don't let you carp on. ][arpoon away.
TC: thank you fucking KINDLY, palest bitchsister.
TC: THREE TIMES NOW THE RANCOROUS TEASE POLITELY FUCKING DECLINES A FUCKING DUEL
TC: politely declines, sister.
TC: THREE TIMES NOW THE NUBHORNED UNFRESH FUCK WILL NOT BE COWED EITHER.
TC: I GET IT YOU ARE MOTHERFUCKING STRONG OF WILL AND STUBBORN AS A MULEBEAR NOW EITHER FIGHT ME OR ADMIT YOU ARE NOT IN MY LEAGUE AND I CAN MOVE THE SHITFUCK ON
TC: preferably after shooting at least one load.
TC: WHICH I AM DAMN WELL OWED AFTER THAT MASTERFUL BULGEBAIT LOATHSLUT ACT.
TC: gonna start me thinking there's all manners of PROBLEMS with it.
TC: my bulge I mean
TC: is there?? :o(
CC: T][at was one s][ort jam session! Offer rescinded for reason of your bulge.
TC: aw bitchsis, gonna give me all manners of complexes. ALL MANNERS.
TC: and WHO BETTER to talk out my complexes with than my fairest blindingest sunlit diamondho.
CC: You want to tread carpfully wit][ t][e blackmail, you ][uge ][orny lump, afore I decide to trident off t][e source of t][e problem at t][e root.
TC: I'LL BE RIGHT MOTHERFUCKING CIRCUMSPECT ABOUT WHERE I PUT MY FRONDS ON MY WAY TO YOUR SWEET JAMS, O DEAREST, DEADLIEST SNOWSTORM.
CC: ][mmmm.
CC: Of course t][ere's somet][ing wrong wit][ it, ass][oal, it's as oversized as t][e rest of you.
CC: By t][e way if I see it again I'm CUTTING IT OFF.
CC: T][at Kraken ][as no business leaping over t][e waves w][en I'm getting my swim on.
TC: HONK HONK HONK
CC: But do go on. Amuse me. Before boredom catc][es up.
TC: only the best misfortunate humiliation for you, poisonsweet.
TC: AS IF THE HUMILIATION OF MY REFUSAL -- THRICE -- AIN'T A MOTHERFUCKING GRAND JOKE ON ITS LONESOME.
CC: It rat][er is! 38D
CC: Details, my jester, lest I find you unfinny.
TC: as you command, my cruelest, one jam of crushed bloodpusher and spade.
CC: Like t][at wasn't w][at you waded of me all along.
TC: and so it was. :oD
TC: THE MAN WILL NOT FIGHT
TC: but he will not flee.
TC: THE MAN WILL NOT SNARL
TC: but he will not shut his whore mouth.
TC: THE MAN WILL FUCKING BEND OVER IN THESE TIGHT-ASS DRESS PANTS THAT MAKE IT SO NONE CAN THINK OF ANYTHING BUT THE UNDRESSING
TC: but never take them off.
TC: they never split either. Do:
CC: ][a][a][a][a. 3XD
TC: you laugh, my cruelest, and so do I, but my bulge sings another mournful, painful song.
TC: can't feel my blighted shameglobes for all the ups and down he took me riding on.
TC: ALL OF THEM MOTHERFUCKING METAPHORICAL.
CC: Stop, stop, I'm in stitc][es, mig][t need a Bitc][ of Breat][ soon to put my gills back in. 3XD
CC: Does ][e even understand you're courting ][im? I'm starting to wonder!
TC: I don't get my knowledge on of how to make it clearer. Told all to the disgust got my digestion sac in knots seeing his half-hidden face and that ridiculous head ornament.
TC: MOTHERFUCKER SAYS HE CAN CALL HIS SPAWN OVER AND CHECK ME OUT FOR SICKNESS.
TC: and that wasn't returning the insult.
TC: FUCKER MEANT IT.
TC: he won't be provoked
TC: HE WON'T BE COWED.
CC: T][ere, t][ere. ][e used to be ][uman. T][eir ideas about proeper romance are disgusting. Bestial little t][ings, reely.
TC: mmmmh. :o)
CC: Urg][.
CC: ][onestly if you N---E---ED me to go knock ][im over t][e ][ead and deliver ][im TI--ED UP FOR YOU I will be SAD, Makara.
TC: WOULDN'T WANT HIM THAT WAY, NO FUCKING CHALLENGE MAKES FOR A BORING FUCK.
TC: but maybe to get his attention
TC: BE FUCKING INTERESTING TO SEE IF HE CAN BREAK FREE?
CC: And if ][e can't.
TC: ONE-NIGHT-STANDS STILL GET TO BE A MOTHERFUCKING THING THAT BE ALL WITH THE EXISTANCE IN OUR NEW SPARKLE UNIVERSE
TC: what kind of PARADISE REWARD would that be otherwise
CC: One w][ere we're P---ERV---ERT---ED into mockeries of ourselves and told t][is is t][e better option. T][at papery skin was bad enoug][. ][aving to stare all t][ose ugly s][ades in t][e face!
CC: But GROWING LARVA--E INT--ERNALLY!!!!
TC: CALM YOUR FINE-ASS MOTHERFUCKING TITS, SISTER.
TC: they heave any harder you'll be out your last swimsuit.
TC: AIN'T NO FUCKING STORM TO BE GETTING YOUR FLOATATION DEVICES HELLS OF WAVERY AT.
CC: Don't you DAR--E S][OOS][ ME. I am your empress, and if I want to work myself into RIG][T---EOUS WRAT][ I WILL!!
TC: ferrynough, my morayeel.
TC: SUIT YOURSHELLF.
TC: though shellfish to not wait until I'm here to get your craysea on with
TC: YOUR GLORIOUS, ALL CONSUMING RAGE.
TC: let us go in a blaze of glory, sister
TC: LET US PAINT THE MOTHERFUCKING fishbowl.
CC: ...
TC: honk honk.
CC: Some days I reely ][ate you.
TC: Do:
TC: water yacht squidding aboat.
CC: T][at one was a stretc][. 38|
TC: MY MOTHERGLUBBING APOLOGILLS FOR BEING ALL TO SO SHRIMPUDENT, BEACHSIS.
CC: Consider yourself smackereled in your s][rimpudent mout][, you old seagoat.
TC: I'll get my imagining right onto that.
TC: CAN WE FUCKING GO BACK TO MY BULGE AND THE MOTHERFUCKING MATTER OF WHAT IS NOT ON IT NOW.
CC: Can we carp about ][ow perc][aps you s][oald be abstaining because stupid as you are you'll fis][ GLUBBING GUT GUPPI--ES off your ][ot boatride.
TC: ...
TC: huh.
CC: IND---E---ED, ][U][.
TC: wonder what the spawn would come out all like.
CC: ...
CC: I WILL CULL YOU MYS][-----ELLF.
TC: HONK HONK.
CC: Bass][ole.
TC: pale right back unto you, my sea queen, pale as bleached bone on whitest sand
TC: OR BIRD SHIT ON BLACK ROCKS.
CC: You know w][at, let's carp aboat your glubbing bulge!
CC: T][at ][orrors][ow needs trimmed at quarter lengt][ if you want any c][ance of ackoiainting it wit][ anyone's nook in t][e rest of your life.
TC: unfairly untrue.
CC: And ][ope for a repeat performance.
TC: :o(
CC: In my B-EN-EVOL-ENC-E, and my dominion over t][eft of life small or large I will naturally offer myself for t][e operation. 38D
TC: A NOOK IS FINE TOO.
CC: If it's proportunal at all it'll be like t][rowing a sardine down a barrel.
TC: :o(
TC: MY SOUL BLEEDS UNDER YOUR CLAWS.
CC: Your sole likes it.
TC: that it does. <>
CC: Now suckerfis][ it up and go mackerel on ][is gross smoot][-toot][ed ][atted face and stop blowing bubbles of useless in my face.
TC: I ALL UP AND TRIED AT THAT, BITCHSIS, FUCKER DODGED SWEET AS A DREAM AND ASKED THAT I PERHAPS HAD NEED OF HELP LOOKING FOR LOST KEYS OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER WHAT.
TC: need to get his attention and then keep it all nice and obsidian-sharp on me but the how of the thing escapes me. :o(
TC: MOST FUCKING VEXATIOUS OF ALL THINGS.
TC: the ebon minx.
CC: Rig][t! Stop waxing poetry at me, it's offensive and also bad. Less carping, more strategy.
CC: W][at do we know aboat ][im?
TC: LIKES HIS FUCKING FACE-HIDING SHITHAT A BIT TOO REDLY.
CC: Grab and burn it.
TC: s'all caught on his mediocre button-horns and won't budge
TC: PLUS HE HAS HIMSELF A METRIC SHITTON OF MORE OF THE SAME MOTHERFUCKING CAPTCHALOGUED, WHO THE FRESH RIPPING PURPLEFUCK EVEN DOES THAT.
TC: I am asking you, sister, who.
TC: A MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE OF THE HIGHEST ORDER IS WHO.
CC: I told you no more waxing pitc][ in my ][earing.
CC: Or sig][t, w][alever. W][at else?
TC: secondmost thing is he's all to being a lusus.
TC: A MOTHERFUCKING MOCKERY OF A TROLL WITH A NOOKFUL OF CODDLING INSTINCTS
TC: neither pale nor red and they come before all else
TC: BEFORE HIS MOTHERFUCKING VERY OWN SAME QUADRANTS THEY COME.
TC: that is bilge-raising shit. sentient being all to cleaning wigglers' shit and risk his life for nothing at all save chirping squashed unfinished things, wasting his very self away.
CC: Kidnap t][em. Make ][im come after you.
CC: Also I liked it better w][en you were talking about ][is ass. Keep on ][ating ][is ass. I refuse to ][ear more about anyt][ing less substantial.
TC: BUT IS A DOUBLE HANDFUL OF GLUTES MORE OR LESS SUBSTANTIAL THAN SOUL-DEEP OFFENSIVENESS OF BEING, O PALEST SISTER.
CC: ...
CC: Do not even T][INK t][e word serendipity. Do not set your fronds to keyboard, do not breat][e it w][ere t][e wind mig][t bring it t][ere, DO. NOT. T][INK. IT.
CC: We will ][ear NON--E of t][is NONS--ENS--E.
TC: ONE MIGHT GET HIS FUCKING IDEA ON THAT YOU MIGHT WISH WE HAD SETTLED ON A DARKER CORNER OF THE MATE GRID, AFTER ALL.
CC: O][, like s][ell I do. We bot][ know w][ere we stand, and t][at's wit][ you kneeling at my feet.
TC: and so we do.
TC: BUT NEVER FEAR, HARSHEST OF WINTER QUEENS. REPEATED TUMBLING IS ALL I WANT FROM THE HUMAN, AND POSSIBLY A NICE LONG FUCKING SPAR TO SET MY MUSCLES BURNING WITH THE STRAIN.
TC: and someone to dare take fronds to my horns again and pull. shit gets me wetter than the ocean in monsoon.
CC: ARG][.
TC: BUT KIDNAPPING A LUSUS' WIGGLER SEEMS TO ME TO SET FREE MORE OF THE KILLING URGE THAN THE MATING ONE
TC: else we'd have been humped by all manners of things already.
CC: You are gross.
CC: Your bulge is gross.
CC: Your ][atecrus][ is gross.
CC: ][ow do you crawl out of t][e ooze every eelvening and not drown in your s][ame. I am conc][tantly amazed.
TC: my bulge crowds it all out of the 'coon. :oD
TC: ALSO I HAVE NO FUCKING INTEREST IN STRIFING THE WIGGLY SHIT-ASSED LITTLE MOTHERFUCKERS.
TC: or did your thinksponge squeeze out the how of them being gods too.
TC: MY STAR-HUED CONQUERATIX.
CC: O][, go pail yourself wit][ a rusty fork.
CC: My advice suckerfis][es because I do naut care. T][at creature is not wort][y of you, ][is ][ue is repulsive and ][e is bland in everyt][ing else.
CC: ... But if you ][ave set your course on pailing ][im.
TC: :o)
CC: I just ][ad t][e most krilliant idea.
TC: I AM ALL AURICULAR SPONGECLOTS.
CC: Go up to ][im and tell ][im.
CC: "][orrible s][oes, wanna pail?"
TC: ... no. )o:
CC: "Let me take you to t][e bone-yard." 38D
TC: NO. Do:
CC: "Ride me like a ][oofbeast." 3 8D
CC: "Your bass is so fine, let me ][it it from be][ind." 3;D
TC: Do:
CC: Coward.
CC: Quadrantmates?
TC: YOU KNOW OF THEM ALREADY.
TC: the filth-blooded time witch and the broken traitor.
TC: FLUSH AND PALE, WHICH IS FUCKING WHICH I DO NOT EVEN KNOW
TC: nor do they.
TC: SO RED I'D RETCH UP MY BILESACK ON THEIR FACES.
CC: ... Rig][t.
CC: Mess wit][ t][e Expatriate and ][e mig][t feel t][e need to avenge.
TC: not the witch, palesis?
CC: DO NOT TRY M--E.
TC: WHY THE FUCK EVER NOT.
CC: Because s][e would krill you AND I WOULD LAUG][.
TC: because my queen would become jellyfish, all gluey and burning-hateful at her own prey stolen.
TC: YOU'RE PITCH AS FUCK FOR THAT FINE BITCH, SISTER, BURNS YOU UP INSIDE.
TC: tits not so fine as yours, but plenty worthy of a couple gropes.
CC: I krilled ][er alreedy. S][e does naut care.
CC: S][--E M---EANT FOR M--E TO WIN.
TC: it burns now, doesn't it. like acid in your soul.
CC: S][ut your crabtrap.
TC: WHATEVER MY IMPERIAL MOTHERFUCKER DESIRES
TC: whatever my queen wishes absolute orders shall they all up hopping to be
CC: Makara.
TC: :oX
TC: Xo:
TC: :oX
CC: Your reediculousness is abysmal.
TC: AS MOTHERFUCKING BEFITS THE JESTER OF THE EMPRESS OF DEPTHS UNKNOWN
CC: I would cull you for lame if I wasn't so busy dealing wit][ t][at paralyzing case of SAURY FOR YOUR LAM--EN--ESS.
TC: :oD <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
CC: Taking it back. BRING YOUR TITANIC ASS ][-ER-E, I GOT A FORK TO STICK IN YOU.
TC: ah, my diamond, such a pale fire you throw, lighting my nostalgia all up and on
TC: WASN'T THAT THE MOST FUCKING PERFECT MEETING THERE EVER WAS.
CC: T][e most RID--EELCULOUS, you mean.
CC: I still do naut undersand w][y I didn't ][ave you culled in t][e end.
TC: sure tried it nice and pretty. I wear your scars still.
TC: NEXT TIME TRY STICKING ME IN THE OTHER SIDE, GET ME FUCKING BACK WITH THE MIRACLES OF SYMMETRY.
CC: Nope! 38D It amuses me muc][ too muc][ ][ow you w][ine about it as it is.
CC: Makara? I don't even know w][ere you are and I can still ][--EAR YOU LAUG][ING FROM ][--ER--E.
TC: I got the most wicked mirth traveling through my pan, sister.
TC: MAYHAPS WE OUGHTA GET OURSELVES A THIRD CONCILIATORY CHUCKLEFUCK, SO AS TO KEEP THE CLADE NICE AND EVEN
TC: three of them pale and flush and a mess
TC: THREE OF MOTHERFUCKING US, PALE AS THE STARS ABOVE AND A SHADOWBRIGHT ASHENMATE TO KEEP US SO
TC: so as the expatriate will not languish unhated
TC: WHO THE FUCK WOULD EVER HATE THAT WHINY LUMP ENOUGH, IS THE FUCKING QUESTION. )o:
CC: A][A][A][A][A][A][A][A][A][A][A. 3XD
CC: <>

--

-- caliperTerminus [CT] has joined memo --
-- aridAnachronism [AA] has joined memo --

CT: I wonder whether I ought to remind the Grand Highbl00d I am in earshot
AA: all the island is in earsh0t th0ugh 0_0
CT: And also close enough to see his screen though I wonder that I sh00ld offer to make him eye devices for the font size is
CT: Somewhat l00dicrous
CT: It seems a terrible invasion of privacy and yet

-- bakingExpert [BE] has joined memo --

BE: Now, lad, I know your own name would catch your eye, but you'd best ignore this. Seems a rather childish pastime for such old ones, from what I can glimpse from my seat, and I think it better not to even wish to find out more.
AA: for y0u yes pr0bably
CT: Indeed
AA: ill get psii to delete the l0gs
CT: That is a remarkably efficient sol00tion yes thank you
BE: Beg your pardon, chaps?
AA: 0_0
AA: n0thing
CT: Yes quite nothing indeed
BE: Are you really that troubled by their nasty gossip, now, old man?
CT: Ah
CT: Well
AA: i can kill them f0r y0u
CT: NO
BE: NO!
BE: Dearest, that is your answer to everything!
AA: because it fixes everything
CT: Oh dear
CT: In this case it is anyway incorrect as the offense is too small to make such retribution just
CT: They would revive
CT: We would kick off a cycle of revenge
AA: 0_0 s0
CT: Handmaid I must strenuously recommend against that course of action
AA: e_e
BE: In any case, there are much better things to do with our evening!
BE: Such as joining me in my house for some fine dining and perhaps a movie.
BE: I hope you will not begrudge me my sad efforts at creating a suitable pile.
CT: Ah
CT: Is that
CT: A date
AA: 0kay
BE: Thank you, Handmaid.
CT: That
CT: It would be an honor
CT: Thank you yes
BE: Splendid! I will be expecting you around midnight, then, you should be fully awake by then.
BE: ... Are they laughing again? It must be nice to find such enjoyment in life.
AA: at darkleers expense
AA: are y0u sure i cant kill them a little
BE: Very sure, yes, thank you.

Comments

[laylah]

oh my COD. Condie<>GHB is now the best thing in the multiverse. That is just. Yes yes yes yes. Raunchy and merciless and romantic and aaaaahh i love it all over.

FABULOUS.

[askerian]

Aren't they just horribly awesome. Awesomely horrible. I love writing GH so much, he's motherfucking hilarious. I DID NOT KNOW THAT!

[laylah]

He's AMAZING. So crude and horrible and shameless and perfect! And playing them off as ruler/jester works so WELL, I can't even. Fishpunning to get on her nerves. Talking about his junk all the time. This is a beautiful thing.

[andygal]

I said this on Ao3 but I'll say it here cause it bears repeating, they are the blackest palemates ever.

[askerian]

I couldn't slip it in the fic, so their first meeting:

Condie was rising to power and slowly conquering everything. GH went to challenge/kill her. She forked him in the side and had him thrown in prison for later public torture and execution, because he was too injured at the moment to make a good show.

She visited him in prison to laugh at his weakness and how she was taking over his territory. He laughed at her from the floor while bleeding copiously about the kind of lonely, twisted person it takes to need company so bad she goes take it from her prisoners, because she knows they'll be too dead to talk about it soon and she's too scared to talk to anyone who isn't a living dead man.

She forked him again. >_>;

Whoops, means I gotta keep you around longer now.

It's the most fucked up moirallegiance ever, and half the time they egg each other on instead of shooshing, but then again they have a very different definition of "calm" and "pacified" than a lot of people.

[tanarill]

They literally do not understand that Dadbert does not get the entire idea of blackrom, and that is SO HILARIOUS. Also that both of his . . . moirailsprits are deliberately not telling him. I fear he is not going to understand what the hell is happening until Karkat and Leijon-the-larger sit him down and explain Troll Romance.

And even then is see his reaction as being something like, "Well that's? Good? I'm flattered, but this black romance thing sounds downright uncouth."

It will probably help GH's case when he sees the Rolal-Sollux blackrom in action. Because, yes, uncouth and violent and wild in the best possible way. But yeah. GH is going to have to suck it up and ask one of the ex-humans WTH is going on.

[askerian]

Dadbert kind of gets a vague idea about it, but it's the getting it where he really doesn't want to get more of it than he does. Handmaid is not telling him mostly because darkleer begged her to wait until he found a non traumatizing way to put it, though he's more embarrassed than even dad would be. XD

... GH sucking it up and going to Roxy or some other human (oh dear lord Rose) for advice sounds completely hilarious.

[othercat]

Condie<>GHB is hilariously horrible.

I really love the interactions between Dad, the Handmaid and the Expatriate. (the Handmaid declaring that killing solves *everything* was also funny-horrible.)

[askerian]

>38D

Thank you!

[ilyat]

I was sent here by cypher. This is amazing. You are amazing.

[askerian]

thank you! ^__^

[twowaystar]

"CC: If it's proportunal at all it'll be like t][rowing a sardine down a barrel.
TC: :o(
TC: MY SOUL BLEEDS UNDER YOUR CLAWS. "

I FREAKING CANT WITH THESE TWO OMFG

I just...how doesn't he realize everyone can see/hear him? They are both ridiculous. they are also my new favorite OT<>

[askerian]

Bwahahaha. Aren't they just awesome. XD

[lexicology]

I love this. GH going on about his bulge is hilarious and slightly disturbing, and GH fish-punning endlessly for Condie's amusement is very disturbing and slightly hilarious. XD Best worst-moirails ever.

...And damn you for the fact that Dadbert/GH is now kinda compelling to me (you know that if GH did get anywhere, Dadbert would totally be owning that relationship. So politely GH wouldn't even notice or be able to figure out what's going on there).

[askerian]

:DDDDDDDDDD SHIP IIIIT. SHIP BLACK DAD/GH HILARIOUSNESS WITH ME. SHIIIIP IIIIIT.

Seriously the DAY GH manages to push Dad's buttons that far he is going to get way more than he bargained for. Bwahaha.

[shewhoflies.livejournal.com]

So much crazy. <3

I don't really know the characters except for Dadbert, but it is hilarious anyway. Also the GH and the IC having an abusice moiraillegiance is far too appropriate. XD

[askerian]

♥♥♥♥♥

[red-volpe.livejournal.com]

Oh my god. I just
I can't breathe. I'm with the Condesce, I need a hero of breath. xD
It got a little bit confusing here and there, mostly from the circuitous speech patterns of the GH, but I think I managed in the end. He was suggesting (jokingly) that they get the E%patriot to auspistice for them so they could stay pale, right? Oh jeez, all these quadrants. o_0
I am usually much better at discerning them than this.

[askerian]

bwahaha.

nah, he was suggesting them get a new auspistice for the both of them so he/she could be in hate with the expatriate so it would be all nice and parallel. could have been clearer though, yeah ^^;;;

[(Anonymous)]

I love the Dadbert/Darkleer/Handmaid palething best, of this. It was all brilliant but for some reason their dialog at the end is what really got me. Mostly just how the two trolls are just quietly protecting Dad (whether he needs it or not), and the bit of shyness on Darkleer's part re: "it's a date?"

They just. Work really well. And it's adorable. Even though it was basically one paragraph, it just... made it 'click' in my head as a wonderful pairing?

[askerian]

Thank you. ^______________________^