... best meme EVER.

[askerian]

Stolen from book_people who stole it from jbmcdragon. ♥


Ask any character I've written for advice, and they will provide it, advice columnist style. Your problems or fictional characters' problems both welcome. Management is not responsible for the results of following said advice.

Comments

[sarolynne.livejournal.com]

Liadan,

How the hell do I get my silly human girl who's too serious by half to get over herself and just get laid?

Geir

[askerian]

Sir Geir,

I do not understand the problem. Does your girl not have a husband?

Perhaps she would rather make friends with other women for companionship. Was she at least taught how to use her hands?

Liadan, confused

And I abuse memes because I know you love me.

[sarolynne.livejournal.com]

Naruto (Teamwork)

How do I avoid ending up part of the you in my world's harem?

Neji (Genderswitch Epidemic Drabbleverse)

Re: And I abuse memes because I know you love me.

[askerian]

Neji,

Genderwhat? Wait wait wait. You -- with tits? ... No kidding? WOWZA.

YOU DON'T. u_________________u-b My advice is to relax and enjoy the ride.

(um, just so I have a better picture of the harem situation, mind telling me who else is included? And how sexy they look. That would help. Yeah.)

Naruto (not yours. Which is real sad. Also would you mind coughing on my Sasuke?)

[cerses.livejournal.com]

Sasuke,

How do you take revenge for a death caused by disease?

Cerses

[askerian]

You become a doctor. You research cures, vaccines. Or if you can't, you gather funds so others can. You make it so it never happens to anyone else again because the disease simply does not even exist anymore.

It doesn't bring them back. But nothing brings them back.


Uchiha Sasuke

[hardcoreheathen.livejournal.com]

Dear Kyuubi,

I'm having trouble connecting with people on an emotional level. What should I do?

[askerian]

Eat them.

[na-no-nai.livejournal.com]

Sasuke,

What advice can give on dealing with an evil older sibling who pretends they have nothing but your best interest in mind? Sometimes I feel that dynamite is the only answer, but if I do that, there'll be hell to pay from the rest of the family.

The Tenth's Right Hand,
Gokudera

[askerian]

...You should be glad you have "the rest" of your family. Concentrate on them.

Ascertain whether your older sibling has any truly malicious intents towards you and yours. Are they planning to betray you or yours to your deaths? Sell you into slavery? Use you as a guinea pig for poison research? If they do, kill them before they kill your family. Your family might not understand and grow to hate you. It does not matter, so long as they are safe. If your sibling doesn't have truly malicious intent, stop complaining. I don't want to hear it.

Dynamite is an inefficient way to kill someone. The smoke and debris may mask the target, making it possible for them to slip away undetected. A blade through the heart or spine is much better, though a poisonous snake might do, as long as you know for sure they have built no immunity to it.


Uchiha Sasuke.

[severedscythe.livejournal.com]

Blue

Say, hypothetically, someone spilled soda in the engine. And say, hypothetically, that they didn't want to inform you and you found out anyway.

hypothetically, what would you do to them?

The person who most certainly did NOT do the aforementioned.

[askerian]

Hypothetically, I sure hope they stocked up on warm clothes, because the heat coil in their room suddenly became necessary to fix the thing they messed up. Except that someone needs said warm clothes as rags to clean up the mess. Sucks, huh.

Also hypothetically, I see them drinking soda ever again, I'm gonna teach 'em to drink it through their nose.

[fonsetorigo.livejournal.com]

Sasuke,

The electric knife at my work hates me, I still can't use it.

My boss is getting frustrated with me.

Any thoughts?

Lily.

[askerian]

Organize a hostile takeover at work to displace your boss and take his place. Then assign someone else to teach you how to use the electric knife properly. Even if your new duties mean you shouldn't have to use it again, it is pathetic for a superior to be unable to do the basic things his or her underlings do.

If the problem is maintenance, you now have the authority and funds to have the thing fixed. Do it.


Uchiha Sasuke.

[joisbishmyoga.livejournal.com]

Dear Sai,

My boyfriend is a highly skilled genius pretty much everywhere and I love him dearly. Except, well, he's a bit on the small side from being in the early stages of puberty a second time, damn the evil Syndicate. How do I tell him he doesn't quite yet satisfy without hurting his feelings? Or get revenge on the Syndicate without actually killing them because I don't really do bloody gory deathy stuff?

Signed,
Kaitou KID from Deal

[askerian]

Dear Kaitou (this seems to be the normal mode of address for these things,)

I would never suggest cutting off an emotional bond to find a better equipped boyfriend (even though that would only be logical,) but as I am not a doctor, I have no real suggestion regarding your boyfriend's unsatisfactory penis. I offer my condolences.

Perhaps you should tell him you desire to become a monk, and would rather, while keeping his companionship, cut short the unsatisfactory part of your interaction.

With a sufficient bribe, a doctor might agree to transplant a bigger, more satisfactory penis. I advise looking into the members of that Syndicate for appropriately sized donors.


s a i.

[kittychan1986.livejournal.com]

Dear Heero,

While I enjoyed the books you offered me (Art of War was very enlightening), I am still having trouble with black outs in which I wake up covered in blood. How should I fix this problem? Are their any other training methods you might suggest? Simon is threatening to sedate me and I think it will just make the problem worse. Also, the crew is insisting that I no longer sleep with weapons, after I stabbed Jayne when he startled me awake. Did you have any of these problems? How do I explain to them that I don't sleep well at all without at least something capable of causing harm near me? As always, give my love and threats to your team and please don't tell Simon I'm writing you, he thinks you're scary and a bad influence.

Yours,
River

[askerian]

River,

I have never experienced black-outs. Your brother would likely know more about them than I do. Mention them to him.

The only training you need at present is physical conditioning, to keep yourself in shape -- sits-up, pushups and the like -- and meditation. Mostly meditation. I don't meditate. Find someone who does.

Lock your room when you go to bed. There is no reason for anyone to be around you when you sleep. Nightmares will happen regardless of whether your brother is around to wake you. I strongly advise against allowing your weapons to be taken away, as they would induce a strong feeling of paranoia and lack of safety, which would worsen your nightmares and your startle reflex on waking. Contrary to popular opinion a knife stab to the throat is just as likely to be lethal as a broken neck. Point this out to your captain, if your brother won't be swayed.

I will not tell Simon as long as he does not ask me. He is your guardian, River.

I doubt he will ask me, though.


Yours,
Heero

[lady-aquill.livejournal.com]

Dearest Jin (from TeamWork)

quite a few people i meet seem to assume that i am gay for reasons unknown to myself, this is quite frustrating for me as i am in fact straight.

be a sweetie and tell me how i should rectify this?

[rainxbows.livejournal.com]

Dear Sakura (From Teamwork!Verse)

How on earth do you cope with the Sasuke and Naruto all the time? I envy your ability to do that. I would probably have killed one or murdered them both by now.

What would you rate each of them in bed like?

sincerely
a totally upfronting anon~

[chibirisuchan.livejournal.com]

....this is AWESOME. Will have to come back & ask a question after work. :3

[viper-s.livejournal.com]

Sasuke, (Teamwork)

I've been having problems lately with a few of my younger friends. I get that they're still in that awkward, hormonal teenager stage and sex is all "new and exciting", but all their flirting and really sad attempts at seduction are doing nothing except piss me off! I mean the twins are no surprise, but I thought Tobias got that I didn't want that! And the worst part is that there's this guy back home; we've known each other for a while and I just feel like doing anything here, without him, would just be some kinda betrayal or something.

But yeah, any advice on how to tell off my friends without, you know, losing 'em? We still have to work together after all, and I don't want our teamwork to suffer over something so stupid.

Arthur S.

[askerian]

Arthur,

I would tell you how much I do not care, but that would mean I failed my mission They're teenagers. They have to get used to rejection, disappointment, and masturbation. When they're talking about sex or making passes at you, ignore them. As for your "guy back home", just forget the whole matter until you can go back home and actually have a heart to talk it out see what happens. Until then it's irrelevant to your current situation.

Just keep working with them as you usually do... and socialize with them as well, I suppose. Just ignore them as soon as the topic switches to sex. They should get the point eventually. and if they don't then I don't care. can't make it any worse at least. Shit, I want off this job already.


Uchiha Sasuke.

[amused4ever.livejournal.com]

WAIT! WAIT FOR MEEEE!

Naruto-

Is Sai really a lying liar who lies?

...Because that would be goddamn IMPRESSIVE. O__O

(Oh, and for the advice part: WTF DO YOU DO WITH PPL WHO MAKE ANNOYING DIRTY JOKES ABOUT YOU?!?! Or something like that.)

...I've never written in this voice before. Sorry if it shows?

[book-people.livejournal.com]

Dear Yamanaka Inoru,

I've got a bit of a problem with a friend. See, he's suddenly found himself in a new situation, and he's having a little trouble adjusting. He's kinda... well, let's face it, he's cripplingly shy, so he can't really just come out and ask for what he wants. I was hoping you'd have some idea how I can help, being in kind of a new situation yourself.

Thanks,
Zack Fair

[rahedion-woif.livejournal.com]

Oh Great Jiraiya-Sama.

I have a problem with chauvinism and treating women like things to be ogled and then sexed up. Trying to take care of the problem by 'sating' it doesn't seem to do it. How do I stop this curse?

Respectfully,
WanderingHands

[joisbishmyoga.livejournal.com]

Dear Saki-chan,

After many years of private schooling and similar restrictions, I find myself facing a dilemma unique among my peers. I would like to refresh my style to boost public confidence in my political competence, without losing the elegance and feminity they're familiar with, yet I have rarely worn anything not selected by a school board, maid, or parent! How should I go about building a wardrobe suited to my needs?

Piqued With Pink,
Relena Peacecraft

p.s. What sort of dress is suitable as a young lady's "mancatcher"? The dresses I see in the magazines seem as if they would drive otherwise-credible journalists into a paparazzi-style frenzy.

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Sai,

I'm a girl who was raised fom childhood to be an assassin. Now I'm in love with a guy who's been dead for four thousand years. He's ultra powerful and sexy to boot. What the hell am I supposed to do with a ghost who can, at will, make himself tangible?

temporally frustrated

[ryouseiteki.livejournal.com]

Sasuke,

I'm in a bind, something has simultaneously killed every mammal possessing a Y chromosome - including embryos, fertilized eggs, and even sperm - except for me.

Society has plunged into chaos as infrastructures collapse and the surviving women everywhere try to cope with the loss of the world's men, their survivors' guilt, and the knowledge that humanity is doomed to extinction.

Vaughan meticulously crafted the new society that emerged out of this chaos, from the conversion of the Washington Monument into a monument to the dead men, to the genesis of the fanatical ultra-feminist Daughters of the Amazon, who believe that Mother Earth cleansed itself of the "aberration" of the Y chromosome, to male impersonators becoming valued romantically and professionally.

Many of the women I encounter have ulterior motives in regards to me, including but not limited to, protecting me, doing tests on me, and killing me. What are my options?

-Yorick Brown

[gothicstargrl.livejournal.com]

(I haven't commented in half of forever, so I feel kinda bad replying to a meme. (. .;; ) But the temptation to make my messedup!female!Sasuke ask Teamwork-Sasuke for love advice was too great. Especially since the Sasuke in her 'verse is her dead twin brother. I love the smell of unearthed trauma in the morning. :D)

Sasuke (Teamwork),

I have developed very strong feelings for two people. (I didn't want to have feelings for anyone, but once it happened I didn't have much choice. I'm sure you understand the situation I'm in.) Unfortunately, both of these people are terrible excuses for human beings, and I'm really stretching the term "human" for one of them. They also might stand in my way of fulfilling my life's mission.

What steps should I take to both accept my feelings for them and accomplish my goal? Or is this impossible?

Thanks,
your little sister Sasuke

[rainbrat.livejournal.com]

I'm Rene, btw. Hoep you don't mind me friending you.

Dear Sasuke,

There's this boy (and I'm sure you know a LOT about this ;3) and I'm not sure if he likes me or not. He never says hi, or acknowleadges me. But when we actually DO talk, he's nice and completely loveable. Then, the next day, its like we're strangers again.
How should I approach him? We aren't bff, and I don't want to ask him to do something, because I'm scared he might not like me.

Love,
Rene

[askerian]

(and five days later...! Sorry I'm so slow. Hi hi, welcome! ^___^)


Rene,

He's not that into you. Just into the conversation.

... Hn. Or, he just thinks you randomly hit him up for conversation but you don't want to chat with him, you just talk to him when there's a topic you're thinking about. Just say hello whenever you see him. Ask him if he's eaten and whether he wants to go with you. Lend him books or borrow them or, argh, how should I know? Do I look like an expert? Go away.

Sasuke (Now go away.)




(... XD;;;)