askerian: Serious Karkat in a red long-sleeved shirt (T7_Sunset Pretty)
askerian ([personal profile] askerian) wrote2008-05-29 03:43 pm

Teamwork 3

Follows this scene.

Unbetaed, fresh off the presses, if you have anything at all to point out regarding the flow, the characterization, the spelling and grammar, anything at all! Please point it out.

This chapter frustrates me because mostly it's just Naruto and Jin, and I can't tell if
-I wrote Naruto's reactions to Jin IC,
-I didn't spend too long talking about him, thus creating an effect of LOOK AT MY OC ISN'T HE COOL LOOK LOOK LOOK (but I fear that cutting off some of the bloodline babble might make his trick in the cave unexplainable. But it still feels like it takes too long and I can't tell whether Naruto would even care. Also toward the end I'm wondering if I could condense some of it, but I can't tell how, or what to cut off.)

edit: omg. x__x
1) the end of that scene is SO CONFUSING, I'm rewriting it and I hope it will work better, but in the meantime please read at your own risk;
2) ... i'm STUPID, Rock-sword-nin didn't have his token! Jin picked his pocket. So Jin has two. Damn it, I'll have to edit that in, too.


EDIT EDIT. I like it better like that! But i'm not sure if it's really perfect. Still, yay. Added a little interaction in the middle, cut off stuff, blahblahblah.


Thank god, once I'm done with the Sakura scene they'll leave and won't be seen again for ages and ages and ages. x__x I mean they're fun, but they're trying to take over. Bleargh.


(1st scene of this chapter: here)
(previous scene: Here)

(Naruto)


Man, how Sasuke expected him to track down those guys when the whole area had just been flushed with saltwater, he didn't know. Naruto kept running down the canyon anyway, assuming they wouldn't have wasted time climbing up just yet. Maybe he wouldn't need a scent trail; he could see skid marks through wet moss here and there, and a few overturned rocks... A few freshly broken, as if the sword guy had hit and missed. No blood on the ground, though. Well, that was good.

He couldn't hear anything but the wind over the rocks and the waves on the beach. The canyon broke open on a narrow band of thick sand that the waves lapped at. Cursing under his breath, Naruto squinted and looked around for a clue. If there were tracks in the sand, they had been erased already -- what was that?

Naruto trotted down the beach, sticking close to the cliff. Foam frothed around his ankles, sneaking gritty, thick sand in between his toes.

The rock was dark, but Naruto could see and smell the splash of red on it, not yet washed off by the sea. A few feet farther, a stretch of damp sand still sported footprints.

He found the cave soon after. It started like any other canyon, but after a few feet, the walls started leaning into each other, to meet in a twisty, narrow tunnel. The guy wouldn't have much space to swing his sword there, Naruto assumed, but unless there were several exits, Jin was pretty much trapped. He stalked inside, clambering over the boulders on the ground.

"It's dark as Kyuubi's ass in there," he muttered as he passed the first bend. The tunnel was long, and awkward to navigate, but eventually the cave widened a little, and he fell into an easy crouch. It stank of bird shit and decaying seaweed and dead fish, and his eyes watered. "Urgh! Almost as stinky, too."

He didn't see or smell anyone nearby; but he had a strange feeling, like that dead cave was a little too still. Like maybe they'd been playing cat and mouse in the dark, and of course they'd noticed him coming. Hard not to, when there was no way to prevent his body blocking some of the light. Well, in that case...

"HEEYY! JIIN!"

The echoes deafened him. The cave was a lot bigger on the inside. He crawled farther down the tunnel before the echoes died, so the sounds he made as he moved would be covered. He was almost flat on the ground; a good move, because a second later a handful of shuriken struck the wall over his head.

He tried to listen for movement, but there were dripping sounds inside, and the soft whisper of wavelets licking a shore. Great, so there was water inside, too. Better not fall in it, there was no way to tell how deep it was, or how full with slippery seaweed. Naruto slowly crawled along the ground, trying to breathe past the stink to find Jin's scent.

He found the smell of blood first. It was powerful enough to be easily recognizable, even over all the rot and decay; he followed it, despite not knowing which of the two it belonged to.

When a hand pressed against his lips, he didn't think; he bit down. The body beside him tensed up, and he heard a quiet intake of breath. A second later, the scent registered as vaguely familiar; not the person itself, so much as indefinable traces of having lived in Konoha. Apologetic, he loosened his jaw. He could taste blood just under the skin.

Jin pressed his fist against the top of Naruto's head and gave him an irritated little shove, pushing him down. Naruto hunkered down, feeling around cautiously. The boy appeared to be hiding under an overhanging bit of rock. Naruto closed his eyes and breathed in, trying to catch another scent, but the Rock guy was too far away for his smell to reach Naruto over all the stinky things inside the cave.

He lifted his head, squinting, wishing his eyes to adapt faster to the almost total darkness. Jin hadn't been touching him, but he pushed it down almost immediately. Jin's hand stayed atop Naruto's head, and he leaned closer, as if trying to be ready to use his whole body to pin down Naruto if he tried it again.

"You can see me?" Naruto mouthed soundlessly, his cheek pressed against the damp ground.

He felt a nod, a jaw brushing against his temple. Jin had to see him real well, to read his lips in the dark. Naruto started smiling.

"Can he see us?"

A no, this time. Jin's lips brushed his ear, and he breathed a few words, so softly Naruto wasn't sure he'd really heard. "Listens real well, though."

Naruto frowned a little. Hrrm. Okay, the guy would hear them coming. ...That was okay. Naruto was pretty sure anyone with working ears could hear him, anyway, and that had never bothered him before.

"Where?" he mouthed when Jin leaned back.

Jin took Naruto's wrist and pointed his hand in the right direction, slowly tracking silent movements. Naruto realized belatedly that there was a boulder in between them and the guy. Huh. Maybe Jin was an illegitimate Hyuuga or something.

"Obstacles?"

Jin paused, as if considering the wisdom of telling Naruto, before leaning in and whispering again, pointing Naruto's hand toward said obstacles; "Rocks, waist-high. Pond. Fish inside."

Naruto snorted quietly, and could almost feel the tangible disapproval coming from his companion.

"With stingers," he enunciated, barely any louder.

Naruto didn't know whether it had been his snort or Jin's voice that prompted it; but suddenly Jin clambered over his body and ran -- or stumbled -- away, just as Naruto recognized the quick, soft slapping sounds as someone running at them barefoot.

He rolled back, making no attempt at being quiet now. His hands slapped together in a familiar seal. "Jin! Where?!"

"Front-left!" the boy shrieked; sparks flashed as a kunai he'd lifted from Naruto struck the enemy's blade, and revealed his position to the Rock ninja. The guy was only a lunge and a slash away from Naruto.

Naruto grinned a fangy grin and completed the seal.

"Kage Bunshin no jutsu!"

A dozen clones mobbed the ninja, tackling him to the ground. A few exploded as he slashed wildly at them, but Naruto just made more to replace them, so much that he had to step back to stay clear of the melee. He didn't want to trip on anything nasty and end up in the pond.

Jin's hand found his shoulder and squeezed hard. "... How many -- shit."

Naruto grinned wider. "Looks like we're done here. You got some rope?"

"Uh -- yeah. How many did you -- they're not all real, right?"

Naruto snickered. "Sure they are."

"... Hell... You told us you'd fought Gaara of the Sand, but we didn't believe you..."

Naruto preened, and then made an outraged face that he hoped Jin could see. "Hey! I'm not a liar."

"Well, no, but everyone boasts--"

"I," Naruto said proudly, drawing himself up, "don't need to boast."

Then the Rock nin swept his feet through three bunshins and almost managed to pull free of the melee, and Naruto had to join in and got clipped on the jaw for his trouble. Ow. Stubborn bastard.

The guy struggled, swearing at them. Tying him up in the dark proved rather difficult; Naruto had to dissipate two of his bunshins that had gotten tangled up by mistake, which gave the Rock nin just enough slack to start punching around again.

Huffing in irritation, Jin waded through -- the bunshins could feel his slim body pushing forward -- and... did something. The Rock ninja's body went slack a few seconds later, mystifying Naruto. He felt for his pulse, for a second fearing that Jin had poisoned him.

"What did you do?"

"Trade secret," Jin muttered tiredly.

Naruto snorted. "Oi, I just saved your ass."


"Fine! It's just a sleeping powder. When it's wet, you can paste it on skin and it goes right through and into the bloodstream. Happy? Let's get out of here."

... Brr. Note to self, don't let Jin stick anything paste-like or wet to his skin. Naruto tied up the guy anyway, hoisting him on his shoulder.

"Oh, just leave him here, he can always cut the rope on the rocks."

Naruto shrugged, and turned to face the area where a faint, useless glow signaled the tunnel. "I'm not sure how high the tides get. What if he drowns before he wakes up?"

"What --" Jin spluttered. "He tried to gut me! To cut off my head! To cut off my HAIR, do you know how long I spent growing that shit, do you think I want to wear a stupid wig ever again -- shit! 'Wouldn't want him to drown,' you say! I wouldn't mind."

"Hey!" Naruto snapped. "You damn well better be joking."

Jin didn't answer. Growling in disgust, Naruto stomped his way toward the exit. His foot slipped in something muddy, and tepid water sloshed up his pant leg as he stumbled, but he was annoyed enough that he just growled and pulled himself up, refusing to surrender to gravity and dump his captive in the pond.

The other boy followed in sullen silence, though after the first time Naruto tripped on some kind of stalactite -- or was that a stalagmite, he could never remember -- Jin condescended to step up and guide him by the elbow. Naruto noticed Jin never did fully take into account the mass of the ninja on his shoulder when he led the way to the tunnel. Poor guy would have a headache when he woke up. Naruto didn't say anything, because, well, yes, after all, said poor guy had come after an unarmed boy with a very big, very sharp sword, and that wasn't really fair at all.

"...What happened to Beni and Kigane?" Jin asked as the faint ambient light started allowing Naruto to get an idea of where he was stepping once again.

Naruto's anger abated at the badly hidden worry in his voice. "My teammates went to help them. Kigane's fine, I think she got a sprained wrist but that's it. Not sure about Beni, I didn't see her. Sorry," Naruto added quietly, thinking about how worried he'd be if it was Sasuke and Sakura he'd had to leave behind bleeding. Hell, he rectified, he wouldn't have left them behind at all. But still.

"... Oh. Okay. Thanks." Jin sighed, wobbling a little on his feet.

"Uh, but Sasuke didn't seem to think she was dying or anything!" Naruto hurried to reassure him. He hit the ass of the guy he was carrying against the wall and almost lost his balance.

Jin paused briefly, and then gave a quiet, strangely subdued chuckle. "Thank you."

He wouldn't thank Naruto if he knew what exactly Sasuke qualified as 'okay.' "Eh, I didn't to anything."

"You didn't?" Jin asked, slightly ironic. "Because I was under the impression that you kind of saved my life there."

"Well, I meant, not for your teammate." Shit, now Naruto was starting to blush. He hoped Jin couldn't see that. "So, um, how d'you see in the dark like that? Do you have the Byakugan or something?"

Jin's silence gained a frosty edge.

"...No."

"Oh, 'cause I think you have pupils, and all, but I thought, maybe you were -- ow! Hey, what was that for?"

"I'm a Kagami, thank you very much." Jin puffed up, not that he looked much bigger. "Not some other clan's bastard. We're just as old and noble as they are!"

"I've never heard of you guys," Naruto replied candidly, and then realized there was just enough light to see Jin's death glare. He shrugged as best as he could. "Eh, I don't pay attention to that kind of stuff. Okay, you're from an old clan. So, the eyes?"

Jin sighed tiredly, and considered him a few seconds, before taking the lead. He only started talking when he was a few steps ahead. "It's a combination of photographic memory, great night vision, ability to zoom in on very small details, and things like that."

"... Yeah?"

Jin muttered something uncomplimentary under his breath. "Basically, we can see reflections in reflections, even when the 'mirror' is tiny. The cave is full of mica," he added, a hand brushing against the stone. Tiny faceted crystals sparkled weakly in the light. Naruto hadn't really noticed on the way in. "It gives a very low-grade image, but still good enough to catch movement."

So as long as there was something to reflect it into something else that reflects it to them, they could see it? Naruto pulled the prisoner up on his shoulders and slowed down to cross a tricky part of the tunnel. He had to admit, it sounded convenient. "...But still, if there's a wall in the middle, you're fucked. Byakugan still tops."

Jin sent him a dirty look, and for a moment Naruto thought he was going to snap back, but the boy closed his eyes briefly and kept silent, dragging his feet out of the cave.

The waves covered the beach by now. Naruto squinted against the sun's glare, and waded after Jin toward the nearest canyon. White, foamy water massed around their calves.

The guy on his shoulders was getting heavy. Naruto huffed in annoyance and considered climbing up the cliff right now, but if the guy's last teammate spotted him and charged and he had to fight again, Sakura would have his hide. With a sigh, he sped up a little.

He didn't say anything the first and second time Jin tripped, but by the third time he was starting to wonder. "... You okay?"

"Ah -- just a little tired."

"You're exhausted from just one chase? Huh. Did they start hunting you guys at dawn or something?"

Jin twitched and glared at him, and once again Naruto thought he was going to get snapped at, but the boy obviously had a little more control than some other people Naruto knew. He glanced at Naruto, and then stared down.

The ground was a little tricky, sloping up to the canyon mouth, with waves lapping at their ankles, stealing away the sand under their heels and hiding rocks and branches under its foam. Jin rubbed at his eyes with the heel of his hand and slumped wearily. "... It's been a long day."

Obviously, 'train more' wasn't going to help much. "Well, er. Sucks."

The Rock nin on Naruto's shoulder squirmed weakly, unbalancing him, and Naruto spent a few seconds trying to keep his footing on wet sand. Grumbling, he hurried toward the bunch of dry seaweed that marked the upper tide limit.

"... Nnrhgh..."

"Aw hell. Jin, how long is your paste supposed to last?"

The boy swore between his clenched teeth. "Depends on metabolism. Dump him and let's go!"

Naruto growled at him, flashing his teeth. "I already told you no."

"But it's not even the highest tides!"

"I don't care -- aw, shit." The guy was squirming more now, nothing too bad yet, but it didn't help Naruto's balance much. Naruto veered toward a boulder that seemed to him like it would stand over the water, and tried to sit the guy in a crevice toward the top. It was awkward enough to unload the Rock ninja, so heavy and limp and frustrating with his floppiness, but it wasn't half as awkward as when the guy opened a blurry eye just as Naruto started feeling him up.

Naruto gave a guilty grin. "Uh. Token? Hey, I beat you fair and square."

The guy blinked fuzzily at Naruto, making a faint grimace -- and then his eyes latched onto something behind Naruto and he sneered and tried to lurch forward. The drugs were still acting, and the ropes were tight, so he barely flopped a little before falling back in the crevice.

"Huh?" Naruto looked over his shoulder. Jin stood there, shoulders hunched, as if trying to hide behind him.

"... Gimme mah -- mah ... 'm token back... Little bitch thief..."

Naruto blinked and watched the Rock ninja squirm. Well, he was kinda well-stuck for now. He wasn't gonna get free for a while. Naruto shrugged and jumped off the rock, holding out his hand to Jin. "Oh well, if you're the one who's got it. Pony up!"

The boy looked displeased, but he fished it out of his armband and handed it over. Grinning, Naruto stuffed it in his pocket and started walking.

He'd taken a dozen steps already by the time he noticed the way the other boy trailed behind. Eyes averted, shoulders a little slumped, Jin followed unenthusiastically. Naruto grimaced. "Hey, what are you moping about now?"

"I'm not moping!"

"Is it because I took that guy's token?"

Jin glared at him, and then deflated in a way Naruto found extremely alarming. "... No... You're right, you beat him and you saved me, you deserve it... It's not that."

Where was the yelling back and the hitting? Gah. Like Naruto knew anything about being comforting. Well, he could comfort Sakura just fine, but that usually implied cuddling and flirting, and, well, no. He risked a friendly pat on his shoulder, and winced as the boy's lighter body was propelled forward. What kind of man couldn't take a little back-slapping? "Uh, sorry."

Jin sighed and shook his head. "... It's fine. It just helps driving it home some more."

"Uh, driving what?"

Jin looked away, making a vague hand gesture that Naruto had no clue how to interpret. "I'm so freaking girly." His voice was quiet, somber, so Naruto refrained from mentioning that Sakura was plenty girly and could still smash boulders into tiny little pieces. Not to mention Granny Tsunade and Gaara's scary sister. "I can't defend myself. I can't defend my teammates. I have to sneak around behind people's backs and flirt and be pretty --"

The boy took in a ragged breath, and Naruto winced, took a step closer. Damn it. he could inspire people just fine, but comfort them? Not a clue. "Aw, come on, man -- you, uh, you have your sleeping paste thing? And your eyes, it's good, you can see people coming --"

"And when they come I can't do anything to stop them!" The boy looked up at him, light gray eyes full of frustration and a hint of pain. "And Beni got injured and I have no clue how bad, and I couldn't do anything to shield Ki -- shit." Jin kicked a rock, and hung his head. His hair fell in sleek strands over his face, hiding his eyes from view. "How can I call myself a man when I can't do anything for them?"

Naruto winced again. Yeah, that he could understand, he thought. Being powerless, watching his precious people get hurt -- that had to be the most horrible feeling in the world. "Well, um, nothing says you've got to be a spy all your life, right? I mean, you'll have a growth spurt eventually, so you might as well start training now? Right? Uh, your teacher will understand if you explain it to him?"

Jin's hands trembled minutely, and he clenched them into fists. His shoulders shook briefly. Naruto flailed in alarm and grabbed them, trying to make the boy look up at him.

Instead, Jin bowed his head, pressed his forehead against Naruto's chest, just under his collarbone, and took in a shuddering breath. Naruto froze. Silken hair brushed his arm, and puffs of shaky breath warmed his t-shirt. Shit, shit, shit, what should he do? Anything he'd do for Sasuke or Sakura was non-applicable, and his buddies -- Shika wouldn't; if Chouji did, Naruto would get Shika for him; Kiba'd never break down and lose face -- a punch to the shoulder would work; Lee -- maybe back-patting would...

He gave Jin's narrow back a cautious pat. The boy shuddered and moved a little closer. He seemed even smaller like this, curled up, as if asking for Naruto's protection.

That or comfort sex.

Except he didn't smell like sex. And not that much like distress either, actually. Naruto sighed, placed a hand on Jin's shoulder, and gave a warning squeeze.

"Oi, Jin. This hand had better be going for my ass and not for my token." Because a 'no' would hurt Jin a lot less than a punch in the face.



*Next*

[identity profile] white-tean.livejournal.com 2008-05-29 03:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Ah, funny last line! Great! Ah, I love Naruto... I think the last line reiterates well the fact that the story is about team 7, in some way I can't explain.


... although, you may want to bring up possible outrage by Sakura that apparently the fact that she trains hard enough to smash rocks to dust somehow means she can't pass for a girl either... maybe it could come up some later time with Ino, I don't know.

I mean sure, Jin has to try *harder* to pass for a girl, but still, it kind of stuck out to me...

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[identity profile] questofdreams.livejournal.com 2008-05-29 03:11 pm (UTC)(link)
I kind of really really REALLY want to see Jin after puberty. XDDD
tephra: Photo portrait of a doll with shaggy, dark orange and copper hair, wearing a pink slouchy hat and sky blue glasses. (Default)

[personal profile] tephra 2008-05-29 04:34 pm (UTC)(link)
"... I can't train for endurance," 'stupid,' Naruto heard clearly even though Jin didn't say it, "I'd grow muscles and then I wouldn't be able to pass for a girl anymore."

Hmm, not sure I buy that, though Naruto might. He couldn't train for strength but going for cardiovascular improvement, so he could run longer, shouldn't build up too much muscle on him. And flexibility training (yoga, Pilates, etc) would make sure what muscle he did pick up would be longer and less bulky (and would help with the endurance). If you need him all worn out then having the chase be long and some chakra exhaustion from using his bloodline during his game of cat and mouse would cover it.

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[identity profile] uminohikari.livejournal.com 2008-05-29 08:12 pm (UTC)(link)
Like the commenter above said, the whole can't train and pass for a girl thing doesn't really make total sense.

Also, the sleeping powder, does it have to be put on the throat specifically? That was kind of confusing on the first read.

Some of the lines were a bit long-winded, but that can be attributed to the fact that Naruto is the narrator.. It's a bit inconsistent though.

But ♥♥♥. Really, none of that would have stood out much if I wasn't reading closely, though.

[identity profile] almedha.livejournal.com 2008-05-30 12:02 am (UTC)(link)
I would guess he said throat because that is where there are many major blood vessels close to the surface, also the tainted blood would go right for the brain

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[identity profile] aubuyn.livejournal.com 2008-05-29 09:52 pm (UTC)(link)
"Well, not for her." That's the only part of this that confused me. I'm not quite sure who Naruto was referring to (Kigane? Sakura?). Other than that, I'm absolutely in love with Jin. I just think that his team is so interesting. A part of me wishes the two teams would travel together.

Oh! And one more thing! I was a bit curious as to why Naruto was having such trouble seeing in the dark. I mean, he's got a heightened sense of smell now, so shouldn't his eyes also be pretty top-notch? Or does he have to be, um, channeling Kyuubi's power or something to get the whole package?

Anyway, great scene! I always love Naruto's narrations :DDD

[identity profile] m-a-foxfire.livejournal.com 2008-05-29 10:02 pm (UTC)(link)
Aw. Naruto in hero mode is always A+. Last line nearly had me rolling on the floor.

Eh, like everyone else said, you have muscular kunoichi, and with the way Jin dresses, he doesn't show much body shape, anyway. >>

Maybe he's kept so busy with extra spy-type training (memorization of customs, seduction, ect ect) that he doesn't have time for endurance training?

[identity profile] garmiet.livejournal.com 2008-05-29 11:23 pm (UTC)(link)
(I review as I read.)

Nice beginning. Not a rocky transition. =) . . . . Cave, huh? (Hope it’s not a trap.) . . . . Eww, that comment was gross, Naruto. XP . . . . LOL, he just yelled it! XDDD Effective, though. =D . . . . Nice detail about the familiar scent of Konoha. . . . Cool. So Jin has night-vision? . . . . Illegitimate Hyuuga? Wow. Does he have that brand on his forehead, or is he in hiding? . . . . (*snort*) Love Jin’s reaction to Naruto’s multiple shadow clones. XD . . . . I like Jin’s point – “Everyone boasts” – and I get the feeling that Naruto is going to eat his words in a minute. ^^ . . . . I like the poison. And, uh, yeah, might want to be careful with Jin when fighting close range, Naruto. ^_^; . . . . Whoa, guy’s touchy about the hair! More touchy about it than his life, apparently. XDD . . . . And the boy’s touchy about his heritage too, I take it. Wait – “Kagami!” That name turned up in Teamwork 1! Cool, now we get to know more about that clan! =D . . . . “Reflections in reflections.” I like that description, but I’m not quite sure what it means. . . . (*confused*) Can you, askerian, draw a diagram or something as to how that reflection technique works? Cuz I’m totally lost. ?_? . . . . And Naruto, you should know better than to say, “Somebody else’s kekkei genkai is better than yours.” Shame on you. õ_õ . . . . Nice detail about Jin not being able to train for endurance. Though it seems kind of funny that he wants to pass for a girl when he so vehemently denies it. ^_^; . . . . Okay, something’s eating at him, isn’t it? . . . . Ahh, there’s the answer to my question; he doesn’t want to be, but he has to be. And the why. . . ? . . . . Love how he keeps cutting himself off with a cussword. . . . Aww, poor guy wants a hug. ó_ò I sense some self-loathing mixed in with frustration towards an outside force . . . and . . . I wonder if he’s gay or something and doesn’t like it. Hmmm. . . . Wha – hang on a second. What just happened? Was Jin trying to seduce Naruto so he could get the token? Or . . . ?_?

Okay! Overall, nicely done! I didn’t have much to say by way of criticism, except for maybe a slightly clearer explanation about Jin’s kekkei genkai, and also, tell me what happened at the end. Who said that line, and whose hand was sneaking? And sneaking for what?

[identity profile] lurker-lost.livejournal.com 2008-05-30 12:04 pm (UTC)(link)
Naruto was speaking, and yes, Jin was just putting all that on just to get to the token XDDD, but Naruto caught on.

I love the interaction between Naruto and Jin, it's so believable! He keeps comparing him to Sasuke, and getting surprised when Jin does something he didn't expect. =D

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n__n

[identity profile] mommyr.livejournal.com 2008-05-30 05:33 am (UTC)(link)
Love this part

"Jin glared at him again, and then deflated in a way Naruto found extremely alarming. Where was the yelling back and the hitting? Gah. "

I just love how Naruto is responding to Jin, and the last line is pretty darn awesome too :D

It sorta wraps up his priorities in this case, ninja first.

(Anonymous) 2008-05-30 06:14 am (UTC)(link)
So you found a way to work in Team Kunoichi more after all, eh?

I like this scene quite a bit - your OCs are always solid, and it's nice to see Naruto being surprisingly (to Jin) awesome by riding to the rescue and curb-stomping Random Rock Nin Guy.

Is this scene a bit ahead, continuity-wise, or did I miss an update or two?

-- Guile

[identity profile] runespoor7.livejournal.com 2008-05-30 10:36 am (UTC)(link)
I like the part about Jin. It's easy for a reader (and even for Naruto, in the end) to see that he's being at least partly manipulative, which is great.

On the 'not being able to train for endurance': I know it doesn't qualify, but medical ninjutsu don't require muscles and would help with his confidence issues / general usefulness.

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[identity profile] na-no-nai.livejournal.com 2008-05-30 09:02 pm (UTC)(link)
Ahaha! That last line is gold! XD

Everything flowed well and worked for me. :3

[identity profile] w-inds-no-unmei.livejournal.com 2008-05-31 03:34 am (UTC)(link)
Yay! Go Naruto! Go Teamwork! This scene was interesting to read. I enjoyed learning more about Jin and his interaction with Naruto. It came out perfect and I can't wait to read the next scene. ^_^
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[identity profile] lady-aquill.livejournal.com 2008-05-31 09:18 am (UTC)(link)
last sentence should go "That hand..." not "This hand..."
^^ just thought you should know.

wonderful action

(Anonymous) 2008-06-01 01:40 am (UTC)(link)
Hey, I am a benign stalker since I first read Teamwork 1. I just wanted to comment on how much I enjoy your action scenes. Generally, with other authors, I find these scenes in-cohesive and bewildering. However you manage to explain everything from a single point of view and I can actually enjoy and understand what is occurring in the scene. I think that is an amazing ability to be able to express complex imagery and action without losing site of your characters or the scope of your given voice as the author... especially in a second language. In short, you pretty much rock! As always I can hardly wait to read your next post! (But will continue to do so patiently of course.) Thank you for sharing your amazing talent and gift with us all.

[identity profile] kahlii.livejournal.com 2008-06-01 01:51 am (UTC)(link)
Really like the rewrite. One thing stood out to me, though:

The ground was a little tricky, sloping up to the canyon mouth, with waves lapping at their ankles, stealing away the sand under their heels and hiding rocks and branches under its foam. Jin rubbed at his eyes with the heel of his hand and slumped wearily. "... It's been a long day."

Obviously, 'train more' wasn't going to help much. "Well, er. Sucks."


Seemed a bit incongruent between those two paragraphs. Not sure if that was intentionally left that way, or if that was something that you forgot to change, but it felt like I missed something between the two paragraphs. I'm not sure how training would have anything to do with having a long day. ^^; Also, "Well, er. Sucks." is a bit awkward. What sucks? Or is it supposed to be just a exclimation?

Otherwise, really awesome. Can't wait for more!

[identity profile] bootoye.livejournal.com 2008-06-01 10:36 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh Naruto is so silly and cute. Jin was going after the token right? ^^

The scene isn't too long, I don't think

[identity profile] trishalynn.livejournal.com 2008-06-01 11:02 pm (UTC)(link)
"Oi, Jin. This hand had better be going for my ass and not for my token."

O. So. Hot.

I loved this section a lot. And I'm glad that Naruto wised up a bit about these Konoha ninja. That's the Naruto I love so much.

Typo

(Anonymous) 2008-06-02 02:36 am (UTC)(link)
Just a small thing I noticed:

He wouldn't thank Naruto if he knew what exactly Sasuke qualified as 'okay.' "Eh, I didn't to anything."

It should be "I didn't do anything."

I'm sorry if someone else mentioned it. I glanced through the comments but I didn't see anything about it.
Your stuff is awesome, by the way. ^.^

[identity profile] cerses.livejournal.com 2008-06-06 03:58 am (UTC)(link)
'"Oi, Jin. This hand had better be going for my ass and not for my token." Because a 'no' would hurt Jin a lot less than a punch in the face.'
---That line was pure gold!!---

I give you an A+ and a cookie of your choice. ^^

[identity profile] sara-the-lazy.livejournal.com 2009-10-11 08:11 pm (UTC)(link)
I think you did a good job with Jin (as you have done with your other OCs) in terms of making him realistic and interesting but not ridiculous. His and Naruto's interactions are entertaining in their own way. I don't feel like his feigned fragility was -all- untrue... I don't know, not many guys would take pride in their skills at being a -kunoichi-, even if they're damn good at it. *shrugs* So though it may be an act, it strikes me that there may be some truth in there. Am I right, or way off?

And of course, I loved the last line.

~Sara