askerian: Serious Karkat in a red long-sleeved shirt (T7_Waiting for you)
askerian ([personal profile] askerian) wrote2007-11-01 06:51 pm

Teamwork 3 - chapter 1 - scene 1.

So for Nano I decided to do 1000 words a day of mermaids in space and ~700 of any naruto story that goes through my mind at the time. Also I decided to start slow, by rewriting the old mermaid chapters a bit to make them better and put them in the right order and stuff.

So of course, what do I do, I go and write over 4300 words of Teamwork 3.

Anyone has a link to one of these little counter-things that show both your daily progress and the ideal progress you should make? .__.

--aha, found one. It's not very pretty but it will do ^^ (as long as I don't have to calculate the percentage myself... XD)


4323 / 50000 words. 9% done!

Unbetaed, and i'm not sure, maybe the last discussion might need some more description around -- i could see it in my ead but i can't tell if it comes through. x__x



Ox. Hare. Monkey.

Sparks crackled in the palm of his left hand. He covered them with his other hand, ignoring the sting as a few tongues of dancing energy resisted his attempt to reshape them. It was hard work; lightning was fast, and it was in its nature to dissipate just as fast. Ideally, the reshaping should happen in a matter of milliseconds, as close to instantaneous as possible. He wasn't there yet.

Sasuke gave the ball of lightning-like chakra in his cupped hands a dubious look. 'Misshapen' was a good word for it. It was still recognizable as a spherical object, but the bumps were just too obvious.

Staring right into it was starting to hurt his eyes, so he closed them, and tried to feel the sphere instead. It was still his chakra, still in his hands; his mental picture was starting to take form --

"Hey -- stupid fish, don't -- no no no!"

It was a bit hard to keep up your concentration when you had to dodge flying salmon. The detonation forced his hands apart, leaving them smarting and a little singed. Below him, on the lower deck of the ship, Naruto grinned and tried not to look too guilty. He was still holding the fishing rod that connected to the line in the salmon's mouth.

"Er. Sushi?"

Sasuke had a kunai in his hand in a flash, and in the next, had impaled the still wriggling fish through the gills, without breaking eye contact with the blond.

Of course, Naruto failed to recognize the threat for what it was. "Hey, you better not have ruined the hook, Bukuri-san says I'm not allowed to bum replacements off him anymore."

Scowling, Sasuke flung the fish at his head; to his great regret, it didn't hit, Naruto lifting the pole just enough to make it swerve off track. The fish kept swinging on its line, though, and Sasuke spent an entertaining minute watching Naruto's every movement to snatch it alter its trajectory.

"You know, if we suspended his instant ramen from the ceiling with an elastic string, that would keep him amused forever," Sakura commented as she climbed on top of the cabin where Sasuke was perched.

On the deck, Naruto seemed to be doing an impression of a kitten losing a fight with a ball of yarn, except a little more wet and stinky. Sasuke snorted, refusing to pay attention to his antics a second longer. He gave the girl a long, searching look. She seemed to be feeling better, but he wasn't sure that meant much. "Still seasick?"

Sakura made a little grimace as she sat at his side, legs dangling from the edge of the cabin. "I don't have anything left to be sick with, I think."

She reached for his hands; Sasuke stuffed them in his pockets. "That's not how seasickness works."

"Fine, if you want to be technical, I'm using chakra to stick to the boat and pretending this is a balance exercise. Now please, may I see your hands?"

"It's nothing, you shouldn't waste your chakra," Sasuke grumbled, but he didn't resist when she slipped her fingers around his wrists and gently tugged them to her.

"It's not wasting much if it really is nothing," Sakura replied with cheerful determination as she healed his singed hands. "There, you see? Already done."

Sasuke rubbed his hands together to get rid of the layer of dead skin. "...Thanks."

"It's no trouble," Sakura replied, still smiling. "Are you still working on spatial recomposition?"

"Mnh." Sasuke frowned and stared down at his hands, and tried again. Ox, hare, monkey -- the ball of chakra was a little more spherical this time, but it went unstable even faster than the previous one had. "Reshaping lightning isn't quite as easy as Kakashi made it out to be," he admitted, frustrated.

"Maybe another shape would work better?" Sakura took his hands to heal them once again. There was barely a scrape this time around, but he didn't protest.

"Like what?" he retorted, and glared at his own hands as if they had betrayed him. If Sasuke couldn't manage to master spatial recomposition before Naruto managed elemental recomposition... Naruto could already cut a leaf in two with his wind chakra; and sure, the two fields were hard to compare, but at this rate, Sasuke was going to lose his advance, and that wasn't acceptable.

Naruto's upper body popped up between them, elbows propped on the edge of the cabin. "Dunno. But not round. I don't know about you, but when I think lightning, I don't think round."

Sasuke twitched. "Didn't ask you for advice."

"Hmm, yes -- round and static is pretty much the least natural shape for lightning to take," Sakura mused. "You're working against the grain."

"I know that," Sasuke retorted. "But if I can make it round and static, then I can make it into anything." At least that was the theory Kakashi-sensei had given. Though if he kept progressing at this pace, Sasuke would have no new technique ready for use for the Chuunin exam. And they were due to arrive to the Water country island on which the exam took place in a half-day, a day at worst. As the exam started tomorrow morning, Sasuke was starting to feel a little pressed for time.

Not that the exam would start without them, even if they were late; Team Seven had escorted Shikamaru to Sand two weeks ago, and it had been more practical to make the trip to Mist directly from there with the Sand delegation than to try to get back to Konoha first. Sure, no one would care if a team of genin arrived late, but Sasuke doubted they'd refuse to give some slack to the Kazekage.

Naruto snorted, pulling Sasuke out of his thoughts. "Whatcha gonna do with a lightning ball, play beach volley? I thought the Chidori was supposed to pierce through anything. What's a blunt Chidori good for?"

Sasuke sneered at him. "You can keep cutting corners and cheating with your Kage Bunshins; as for me, I'll master all my techniques properly. That way they'll actually work any time I need them."

"Hey! My techniques work all the time."

Sasuke gave him an unconvinced look, but didn't deign to answer. Naruto just wouldn't ever accept the fact that the only reason his Rasengan worked all the time was because he was lucky. If his Kage Bunshin was destroyed before he could stabilize the attack, or if he was in a space too narrow to manifest it, then he'd be fucked. Sasuke had no problem with anyone cutting corners in a pinch, but Naruto should have worked on getting over his need of that particular crutch instead of settling comfortably on it.

"Your fish is about to escape," Sakura commented innocently. Naruto jerked around to check, and rushed down the deck to keep the struggling salmon in its bucket.

Sasuke sighed, concentrated some chakra in his hands, and started shaping the seals again. "How's your training going?" he asked absently.

Sakura shrugged, hands open in a 'can't be helped' gesture. "Slowly. I can practice holding and releasing my chakra -- my speed is getting better, and so is the amount of chakra I can gather -- but I can't really train properly on a boat, so..."

"Timing still off?"

She sighed. "I think so, yes. Probably."

Sasuke hummed a distracted acknowledgement as he smoothed down a bump on his lightning sphere. The cohesion of this one was holding on so far; it was just rather ugly. The internal strain was about to hit critical, though, so he released it, opening his hands to let the chakra detonate without hurting his hands. "First test isn't supposed to need us to fight, though. I'll spar with you."

Sakura blinked wide green eyes at him, startled. "Really? Um, but if I hit you and it works..."

Sasuke shrugged, though he didn't exactly relish the idea. "Then you'll get to work on your medical jutsu too."

Sakura gave him a soft look and a happy little smile he pretended not to see. "Thank you, Sasuke-kun. But I think it would be safer if I just practiced on rocks and trees for the moment."

Sasuke frowned. "As long as you don't break your hand again."

"I can heal that, too."

"Not a reason," he retorted, and pretended to be paying attention to the sea as Sakura grinned. "... You'd waste too much chakra on it, is all."

He had a feeling she didn't believe him, somehow. Grinning, she leaned forward, elbows on her thighs, chin resting in her hands, and tilted her face into the wind. Down on the deck, Naruto had stripped down to the waist to enjoy the sun, and was in the middle of an animated conversation with an uncharacteristically escort-less Kazekage. Not that Gaara was all that animated, but Naruto had enough blinding grins and shining eyes and wild gestures for two.

Sasuke crossed his legs, closed his eyes, and tried the exercise again, visualizing a perfect sphere within his mind. All minor setbacks aside, he knew he was slowly getting closer to the trick to properly shaping the lightning-chakra, and he was determined to get there without begging for tips from Kakashi.

Three hours later, when the horizon started to darken with the low clouds that lined the Water Country's shores, his spheres still weren't spherical, but he'd had a little more success with starfish shapes. Still, lightning-type chakra didn't like straight lines very much.

Quiet, seated at his side, Sakura was practicing moving her chakra in various points of her body -- she said the disruption it caused distracted her from the waiting seasickness.

Gaara had been found by his bodyguards and gone back to another meeting with his advisors, and, alone again, Naruto had come to sprawl across the deck just under Sasuke and Sakura. He would have practiced his elemental recombining, but he'd been forbidden to do it on the ship after one of his uncontrolled gusts of wind almost brought the rigging down, so instead he was playing with his claws. In, out, in, out, bat at dust motes, in, out, bat at dust motes, in, out, in -- whatthefuck.

Sasuke didn't kick Naruto overboard when the blond latched onto his foot and started to chew, but it was a near thing. "... You're chewing on my shoe."

"Arrh. Rar. Your fault. Keep twitching your toes."

"Naruto, you're chewing on my shoe." He paused, waiting for Naruto to realize; instead, he felt the pinprick of a fang through the thick cloth. "... Do you even know what I walked through on the docks?"

Sakura leaned over the edge to peer at the blond. "Ew, Naruto, I'm never kissing you again."

Naruto wrinkled his nose and stopped chewing on his ankle, but his hands didn't let go. "Aw, come on, he's gone through so many puddles, 's only saltwater by now."

"Mouthwash," she ordered sternly. "Or no kissing, ever again."

"Aw, come on, I don't have any in my things."

"Then find someone who does, or buy some in Mist village, I don't care."

"What if they don't sell any?!"

"Then it sucks to be you, doesn't it," Sakura retorted, sticking out her tongue.

"...Not even a good-luck kiss?

"Not even."

Naruto waggled his eyebrows. "Not even in your naughty places?"

She almost shrieked in disgust. "Especially not in my naughty places!"

On the other side of the cabin, Temari burst out laughing. Sakura slapped her hands over her mouth, blushing fiercely. Sasuke didn't care much about what Temari thought; it wasn't like the Kazekage's sister didn't know they hadn't made much use of their separate bedrooms back in Sand. As long as she didn't speak about it and embarrass Sakura, it didn't matter much. She could only report it to Shikamaru, and Shikamaru had known for almost as long as they'd been together. It wouldn't help Sakura's embarrassment, though.

"Come on, Sakura-chan, this is the last chance we'll get to do it on a boat."

The look she threw Naruto could have dissolved stone.

"Sasuke?" Naruto tugged on his foot. "Come on, when we arrive we'll have to be on our guard all the time, and I know you, you'll never agree to do anything in enemy territory, not even hug."

"You've got that right," Sasuke retorted cynically. "Besides, I'm not relaxing my guard now. This is the ideal moment to make us disappear."

Naruto blinked, startled. "You mean Mist people? Why would they make us disappear? Okay, we've been enemies for ages, but they're hosting this one because they want to be our allies, yeah?"

Sasuke shrugged. "That's what they say. Fact is, they've never needed or wanted allies before, and it would be the ideal time to eliminate some choice people." He slanted a look toward Gaara's cabin. "We're far enough from the shore that they could just sink us and just wait for exhaustion to do us in. No one can water-walk for so many miles, especially on the ocean."

"My, my, it's good to know you're always on your guard, Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke twitched, and shoved at Naruto's shoulder with his free foot to make him let go. Kakashi was perched on the edge of the cabin behind him. He really hated it when the man did that -- which, he supposed, was all the reason Kakashi needed.

"But in this case, there are no reasons why the Daimyo would want us dead. Granted, there might still be splinter groups who disagree with his decisions and choose to take the matter in their own hands..."

"That's reassuring," Sakura remarked with a slight grimace.

"Anyway! Come on, it's time to pack up. We'll be there in twenty minutes at most."

Sasuke arched an eyebrow, glanced at the islands in the distance, and figured that either there was some kind of fast current in the area, or there was genjutsu at work.

Sasuke and Sakura jumped off the cabin roof and followed Kakashi down the deck. The Kazekage's entourage was still buzzing around, but Gaara himself was waiting by the prow, his siblings at his side. Team Seven went about getting their belongings back and, since Shikamaru and Kakashi were already standing with the Sand trio, joined them. Gaara was wearing his robes; his sister held the hat. Sasuke wondered if the exam would go easier without Gaara of the Desert as one of the participants. Probably, but he wasn't sure it was a good thing. No challenges worth the name made for a boring waste of time -- and besides he'd often wondered how a rematch would go. He was pretty sure he could beat Gaara now... But of course, challenging the Kazekage for a serious duel was pretty much off the list of things he could still afford if he didn't want the Konoha council to lock him up home until he was fifty.

Gaara only gave him the shortest cursory glance before turning his attention to Naruto, who had perched on the railing to peer at the fog-enshrouded islands.

"I wonder how it's gonna go," the blond mused, distracting Sasuke from his annoyance.

"For one thing, we'll probably have fewer rookies this year," Sakura replied, and glanced at Kakashi for confirmation.

"Huh?"

"Well, Mist isn't really known for its gentle weeding out methods. Some years people would send rookies just so they learn what's going to be expected of them during the exam -- the teachers don't expect them to pass on their first try. But this year... I mean, I'm sure the other countries made them sign tons of things to keep the tests reasonable, but..."

"Oh, cool. The kids I remember from back then would be way too easy."

Shikamaru snorted. "Sakura is right in that there will be fewer low-level, inexperienced participants. But the ones who do participate are going to be strong -- a couple might even be jounin level already."

Gaara nodded slowly, gazing at the island. "It's like my team back then. Held in reserve until it could be used. Some villages would do the same."

Naruto gave the redhead a disturbed look. "... But there's not going to be an invasion of Mist this time around ... Right?"

Kankuro snorted. "Who the hell would want to invade Mist anyway. It's just a bunch of rocks in the middle of the sea, full of homicidal, paranoid psychos. No, it's not like that. It's just the first time they're gonna let outsiders in their borders -- maybe the last, too -- and you can be damn sure almost everyone has instructions to report back as much as they can find out. The jounin-sensei will be under strict watch, but maybe the genin will have more freedom to snoop around. And if they want to survive it, they better be strong enough."

"Huh." Sasuke frowned. If that was the case, Team Seven was going to look pretty suspicious. If they were so paranoid, Sasuke wanted to ask why they were even entering the alliance; but before he could ask, fog suddenly rolled up from the sea, swallowing the ship in a matter of seconds. Sasuke automatically turned to put his back to the rest of his team, a hand on his kunai pouch. There was no noise at all; but when the first Mist nin ghosted up on the bridge, he was ready. There was a whisper of killing intent as the man noticed his reaction and moved to face him...

"Stand down, you three," Kakashi whispered before anything could happen.

"Time for the ship to switch hands, captain," one of the Mist nins rasped out, from somewhere Sasuke couldn't see. He listened, tense and unhappy, as the ninjas replaced the ship's crew and started directing the ship through reefs no one else could see.

Hn. They could have done with some warning. Sasuke noticed that Kankuro and Shikamaru had visibly tensed up, too, as had a couple of Gaara's bodyguards. At least Sasuke and his teammates weren't the only ones who had been surprised.

He didn't quite relax, not with the lack of visibility and the almost tangible hint of danger in the air. There were a couple of terse orders called, but for the most part the Mist team operated in total silence. The only noises came from the sails, as they creaked and flapped, and the hull, which moaned a couple of protests.

And then suddenly they were sailing between forbidding dark cliffs that hadn't been anywhere close by only fifteen minutes ago, and loomed overhead in a way that made Sasuke twitchy. Someone could drop straight from there onto the ship's deck -- or, even easier, drop other things, like explosive tags or a shower of kunai. There was no way they'd miss, the ship was taking up over half of the channel.

There was a gate at the end, which they had to wait for as it opened slowly, and then they were in a cove, where a few other ships waited. It was a nice trap, Sasuke thought. Leaving the island must get complicated when you first had to get your ship past the gate and out of there fast enough to avoid every single guard taking potshots at you from above. He wondered if the boats kept to the personal usage of the Mist nins were locked down the same way. Probably not, but finding their private harbors wouldn't be easy.

Team Seven followed the Sand Country delegation up the pier, where important-looking officials started doing diplomatic banalities with Gaara's sister and his advisors -- Gaara himself having the good sense to look solemn and keep mostly silent. Kakashi guided Team Seven off and to the side, where they sat on a low wall and waited for a guide to tell them where to go. Sasuke could see a few buildings -- warehouses, trading posts, other things he couldn't readily identify -- but nothing that looked like living space. Not the village yet, then, and probably not for a while.

"Team Kakashi, from Konohagakure?" a reedy middle-aged woman with a clipboard asked as she strode toward them. Kakashi nodded amiably. "Papers, please."

The woman stared at the documents with such intensity Sasuke wouldn't have been surprised to learn she was checking out the fiber of the paper for tampering. She gave their faces the same scrutiny; Sakura smiled nervously, and Naruto grinned back, which produced absolutely no change on the woman's face.

"Looks in order. Come on."

She guided them toward a paved path that curved around the side of a cliff. Sasuke fell into step with Sakura, rolling his eyes at Kakashi's attempt to strike up a conversation with their unfriendly guide. Naruto took two steps, turned around, and waved wildly at the departing Sand delegation. "Bye Gaara! See you later!"

The Kazekage paused, looked over his shoulder, and, as his advisors and guards looked properly offended, gave Naruto a little wave in return. The blond looked pleased for two seconds, until he caught sight of Sakura's tense, awkward smile.

"Naruto, you idiot," she whispered from the corner of her mouth. Naruto looked clueless.

"What?"

"Nothing," she grumbled, and slipped her arm into his so she could drag him along more efficiently. Sasuke snorted, and took the rear, keeping an eye on the men shadowing them from the top of the cliff.

"There. You're in B23. Training grounds are up this path. Curfew's at seven thirty. Good luck for the upcoming tests." The woman stalked off.

Kakashi pushed open the dorm's door and started looking for their room. "Well then, children -- Sakura, don't strangle Naruto, please."

"But the idiot waved goodbye at Gaara -- like we need to attract attention to any special link between him and one of us."

Kakashi shrugged, and walked into the room, checking it out casually. It contained two bunk beds, a tiny shower stall, and a kitchen corner, and apparently, no hidden bugs. "A good point in other circumstances -- we wouldn't want to seem more important than we are," he explained to Naruto, who still looked confused, " or to look like the Sand and Leaf friendship extends too far. Some people wouldn't trust either if they thought they had to deal with both when they only want to deal with one. But it's fine. Anyone this is going to be reported to already knows Naruto and Gaara are both demon bearers."

"And won't that cause problems?"

"Funny story, the previous Daimyo would have been assassinated a lot earlier if he hadn't managed to secure the loyalty of the local demon bearer."

Naruto stared at their teacher, and then out of the window, where other genin teams were walking by, eyes wide. "Oh -- so they like us here?"

"Oh no," Kakashi replied blithely, "the civilians here would hate you even more than Konoha's."

Naruto's eyes lost their wide-open hope. Sakura gave him a worried look and caught his hand, squeezing it gently.

Kakashi pretended not to notice. "But then you have to remember they wouldn't like people like Sasuke or Neji much better. The purification wars were over long enough ago that the ninjas would be somewhat more tolerant, but only so far as you prove lethal and obedient enough to counteract the taint."

"Charming," Sakura commented with a pinched little smile.

"To come back on topic -- the demon bearer disappeared eight months ago. Chouka-sama only survived him a week. His successor, Mizukemuri-sama, is much more progressive, especially on the topic of alliance with their neighboring countries. But then it's his only chance to avoid the same fate as his dearly departed uncle."

Sasuke threw his bag on one of the top beds, before Naruto could claim it, and climbed up the ladder. Naruto didn't notice, still standing in the middle of the bedroom, thinking.

"The demon bearer... What happened to him?"

"Ah... We're not sure. No one really knows." Kakashi waved it off, perfectly natural; Sasuke's instincts screamed 'lie, lie, lie'.

"It's Akatsuki, isn't it."

For a few beats, there was silence in the room.

"I just told you no one knew, Sasuke-kun."

"But you think it's Akatsuki."

They hadn't had news in so long, Sasuke had started wondering whether they'd been disbanded -- killed. Not that Itachi would ever be killed by anyone but him -- no, he refused to think that. But without Akatsuki, tracking him would be so much harder.

But it was resurfacing. He jumped off the bed to face his teacher, fists clenched.

"Sasuke..."

"Kakashi."

"It's possible," Kakashi allowed with a sigh. The man pierced him with a narrow-eyed, scrutinizing stare. "But right now that's not what you need to think about. Concentrate on passing the exam, Sasuke, Naruto."

Naruto stepped toward him, pleading and angry. "But Sensei--"

Kakashi's hand cut the air; stop; be quiet. "Concentrate on passing the exam," he repeated, more intensely, "if only because there's no way a genin would be sent on any Akatsuki-related mission."

"... Yes, sensei," Naruto muttered. Sasuke mouthed the words along with him, without any real conviction.

Kakashi wasn't convinced, but he didn't say anything about it. "I'm going to go meet the neighbors. Try not to roam too far, if you go out."

Sasuke's fists clenched. A couple of steps to the side, Naruto looked about as pleased as he did. Sakura sighed, and stepped between them, taking their hands gently. "Hey... We already knew they were out there, didn't we. Now -- how about we go and check out the competition?"

Sasuke didn't especially feel a need to, not right now; but it was a good idea, and besides he didn't want Naruto to think too hard about that guy who'd gotten kidnapped, so many months ago there was no hope left of finding him again.

[identity profile] sarolynne.livejournal.com 2007-11-01 10:42 pm (UTC)(link)
w00t! Yay for a strong start. And also, <3 for Sasuke. You normally do his voice well, but there were a couple of parts here I really liked. And also, him and Sakura being cute at the beginning.

...

Does this mean you're ahead now? XD

[identity profile] uminohikari.livejournal.com 2007-11-01 11:08 pm (UTC)(link)
resisted his tentative to reshape them
i don't understand this sentence?

It wouldn't help Sakura,'s embarrassment, though.
you have a comma before the apostrophe


I HAVE FINALLY CAUGHT UP ON TEAMWORK 2. Then you post this! Hee!
*flails* IT'S SO AWESOME

[identity profile] meanne77.livejournal.com 2007-11-01 11:26 pm (UTC)(link)
"Anyone has a link to one of these little counter-things that show both your daily progress and the ideal progress you should make? .__."

Damn! Si tu en trouves un ou qu'on t'indique où en chopper, STP dis-le moi ! Merci !

4300, beau départ !

[identity profile] m-a-foxfire.livejournal.com 2007-11-01 11:27 pm (UTC)(link)
Eee~! Ninjutsu! */geekery*

Aw. Naruto's cute when he's being a tactless loony.

*__*

[identity profile] mommyr.livejournal.com 2007-11-01 11:30 pm (UTC)(link)
Happy. I am so happy right now. There is so much shiney to play with! Tender moments, playful moments, a little competition between the boys . . . and sand sibs! *eee* Just . . . wow. <3

n___n

Re: *__*

[identity profile] mommyr.livejournal.com - 2007-11-02 03:49 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] book-people.livejournal.com 2007-11-01 11:52 pm (UTC)(link)
Whee! Chuunin exam!*loves all over it* I'm looking forward to seeing what the tests are gonna be. *grin*

At least Sasuke and his teammates weren't the only ones why had been surprised
I think you mean "who had been surprised."

Adi

(no subject)

[identity profile] trishalynn.livejournal.com - 2007-11-02 00:58 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[identity profile] jmercedesd.livejournal.com - 2007-11-02 13:44 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] golden-ravish.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 12:17 am (UTC)(link)
WOW! awesome start. i've decided to be a cocky bastard and not start until tomorrow lol
in reality, the baby just wouldn't allow me the free time to get going and tomorrow is school picture day for the girls, so NaNo has to wait til i can get to my desk at work.
i hope i have such a good first day. if i can crank out about 3 to 4,000 on the 5 days at work, i think i can get by on the days where the kids don't let me get anything done.

[identity profile] togu.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 12:56 am (UTC)(link)
great start! ♥_♥

[identity profile] bootoye.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 01:11 am (UTC)(link)
Ooh Aatsuki and chuunin exams ^_____________^

Thanks.

I can see the progression of their relationship and its a welcome subtle addition.

Oh Naruto nibbling on Sasuke's shoe is just priceless!

[identity profile] mignonne422.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 02:10 am (UTC)(link)
Gorgeous, amazing, fantastic and every other synonym for wonderful that exists!

Seriously, this was like a much needed fix to my junkie self. I'm addicted to your writing. Mmm...asura's writing. It's my anti drug.

Lol.

I especially love reluctant to show he cares, but hiding his hands so Sakura won't waste chakra, Sasuke.

And of course, the description of naruto like a wet kitten. Too cute. I can totally see him playing with the bowl of instant ramen in my head. Lol.


Here is another grammar thingy to fix


Gaara had been found by his bodyguards and gone back to another meeting with his advisors, and, alone again, Naruto had come to sprawled across... "

Should be "to sprawl" or "sprawled" without the too

[identity profile] kohikari.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 02:12 am (UTC)(link)
*flail* Teamwork! Eeeee~

*flailflail* Chuunin Exam and inter-village politics and tensions! Eeeeeeeee~

*flailflailflail* Naruto pouncing and chewing on Emo Boy's foot! X3

*commences further squeeing*

(*latches onto* Have I ever told you how much I love you, Asuka-sama?~ 8D)

(Anonymous) 2007-11-02 02:15 am (UTC)(link)
It's just a minor issue (and you probably don't want to change the whole beginning), but I'm pretty sure lightning takes the form of a ball, too. It's called ball lightning 8D.

[identity profile] rurounitriv.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 02:54 am (UTC)(link)
WOOT! Teamwork! *gnaws on the shiny*

[identity profile] shiryu-yugure.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 03:03 am (UTC)(link)
Wah! *commence happy squealing* You've done it again!

First part is so shiny and fluffy 8D Except for the whole Naruto and the naughty places thing... >.> Oh, well, we love you anyways, Naruto. =^_^=

Just one little question:

Sasuke sneered at him. "You can keep cutting corners and cheating with your Kage Bunshins; as for me, I'll master all my techniques properly. That way they'll actually work any time I need them."

Shouldn't it be Kage Bunshin instead of Kage Bunshins, considering that there are no plurals in Japanese? o_o Granted, I think that could work too, but it seems a little awkward with the Japanese/English grammar mishmash.

Part 3

(Anonymous) 2007-11-02 06:43 am (UTC)(link)
I like it ^_^

[identity profile] fujin06.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 07:24 am (UTC)(link)
i <3ed it ^^

strangely my fav part was so minor and suttle (the way sakura squeezed narutos hand when she was trying to comfort him <3 )
ext_2686: (BSG - dance Gaius dance)

[identity profile] stripedpetunia.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 08:35 am (UTC)(link)
GREAT START YAY *dance*

[identity profile] alita-b-angel.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 10:40 am (UTC)(link)
Yeay Teamwork! Most excellent.

Please don't kill me...

[identity profile] proanon.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 11:28 am (UTC)(link)
Under him, on the lower deck of the ship, Naruto grinned and tried not to look too guilty.
*cough* Um. Unless you want to imply that the ship has two levels and Naruto is directly below Sasuke, I would just say "below." And even if you do want to establish that sort of placing, I'd still say "below him" - because under him evokes a very, ah, different mental image. And I don't think Naruto would be this cheerful about bottoming.

You know, if we suspended his instant ramen to an elastic string and tied it to the ceiling
Erm. You can't "suspend to" something. You suspend from, generally. So it would make more sense to say, "...if we suspended his instant ramen from the ceiling with an elastic string..." Or, alternatively, "If we tied an elastic string to his ramen and suspended it from the ceiling/attached it to the ceiling" would work, too.

Though if he kept progressing at this rhythm,
Rate, not rhythm. :-P

As the exam started the next morning, Sasuke was starting to feel a little pressed by time.
(The time references are confusing, by the by. I had to re-read a couple times to figure out how "half-day, a day at worst" related to "the next morning.") Saying "a little pressed by time" sounds odd. It makes sense, but it's just a little close to the phrase "pressed for time" - which doesn't apply in this circumstance, because being pressed for time means that you don't have enough time to accomplish something, and you seem to be implying the opposite here.

Sure, no one would care if a team of genin arrived late, but Sasuke doubted they'd refuse to give some slack to the Kazekage.
Only figured out what this meant the second time I read this - I hadn't realized that Gaara would be making the trip as well. :-P

...but didn't deign answer.
Deign to answer.

"Timing still wonky?"
...Wonky. *looks at it* *turns it around* *flips it upside down* *turns it around again* Nope, sorry - no matter how I look at it, I cannot see Sasuke using that particular word. Naruto, yes, but not Sasuke...

Naruto had come to sprawled across the deck
"come to sprawl" - no past tense.

almost brought a rigging down,
Um, I have no idea, but I always hear the phrase "the rigging" as describing all of the sails and the like on the ship. I don't think you get "a" rigging - but I could be wrong, I have no idea how ship vocabulary works.

If that was the case, Team Seven was going to look pretty suspicious.
Why is that? I think I missed a logical connection here. *thinks* *rereads* ...because they're older, and stronger, and therefore more likely to be one of those "elite teams held in reserve"?

like we need to attract attention on any special link
Attract attention to any special link.


...sorry, sorry! ;_; Blame my job - I get called on to native-check other people's English all the time, it's getting to be habit. Although you're light-years ahead of most of the 'English' I get to grapple. And, um... I kinda had fun with the excuse to read the whole thing a second time. :-P

[identity profile] jmercedesd.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 01:50 pm (UTC)(link)
*much loves all over the place*

I wanted to do NaNo, but when the end of October came along and my co-author and I weren't done working on our actual novel... yeah, no time for other writing. >.< Maybe I'll do a pseudo-NaNo and see how much of Book2/Draft1 I can get written. :D

Either way, Yay, Teamwork! And promises of steady writing from my favorite author! Good luck and don't crash and burn too badly, Asuka-dono. ^_^

[identity profile] ktoth04.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 03:04 pm (UTC)(link)
*tackleglomps*

I want one of these every day for the rest of NaNo... deal?

*throws pocky at you*

[identity profile] davyn.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 04:52 pm (UTC)(link)
This was like christmas, only earlier!

I am currently doped up on pain pills so I will have to leave a better review... when I can feel my toes. LOVE what you have to far though!

However! I do have a word counter for you? It is down for a bit because of Nanowrimo - CRASHED the serves the first few days last year, but he has instructions on how to use the HTML.

That can be found Here (http://www.zokutou.co.uk/wordmeter/).

Hope that helps.

[identity profile] meanne77.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 05:24 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah, thanks for the counter! :)

[identity profile] kane-shi-megami.livejournal.com 2007-11-02 10:46 pm (UTC)(link)
Yay looking good so far!

[identity profile] ellenel13.livejournal.com 2007-11-03 01:51 am (UTC)(link)
"to get there without begging for tips from Kakashi."

It may just sound weird to me because English is not my first language, but shouldn't that be "begging Kakashi for tips?"

[identity profile] monique-27.livejournal.com 2007-11-03 04:57 am (UTC)(link)
ASUKA I AM SO TIRED I CAN BARELY THINK LET ALONE READ BUT I HAD TO - CAUSE IT'S TEAMWORK! (OMGYAYSOMUCH) - AND SO HERE I AM TOTALLY NOT REVIEWING OR EDITING AT ALL AND AM INSTEAD SQUEEING AT YOU WITH FANGIRL LOVE! <3

...and now, I sleep. *jumps into bed yay*

(no subject)

[identity profile] monique-27.livejournal.com - 2007-11-03 22:34 (UTC) - Expand

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