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Entry tags:
teamwork scenething, repost
Scene still not complete, but ehh.
Sunfreak gave me good concrit about the feelings and POV and stuff, so I tried to edit a bit, but I could only sneak in a few more small details and I'm not sure it works well enough. It's meant to be kinda confusing -- Naruto is confused, and besides it's a mindscape battle, the laws of logic and reality don't really apply -- but it shouldn't be TOO confusing, and besides I don't know how to crank up the emotional impact. If you have any suggestions at all, specific bits that worked or didn't work for you, pleasepleaseplease give them. ;__;
Up ahead and all around, there was a woman's scream; and somewhere far beyond the green corridors, Sasuke yelled and fell silent.
He ran. He flew.
He arrived too late.
There was a slender figure crumpled in a faraway corner, curled up around a tiny, fluttering light. Pink hair in disarray, spread on the floor. Unmoving. Arrays of raw, white-blue chakra surrounded her -- on the floor, on the walls, in the air itself, like barriers; and they felt like Sasuke and Sakura.
Kyuubi crossed them like they didn't exist for him, even though the burns and welts mirrored themselves on Naruto's skin.
"--Sakura! Breathe, damn it, breathe!--"
Orange chakra started bubbling up from the spreading puddle on the floor; five tails of fire coiled all around the demon and her. Naruto roared in rage as he rushed forward. Too late, too slow, and Kyuubi was leaning down, and his claws --
"Who the HELL do you think you are?!"
Naruto froze in his tracks, his hand smarting where Sakura had slapped aside Kyuubi's paw. And stared. A lot.
Sakura -- his Sakura-chan, miss more-brains-than-brawns, the girl whose waist he could encircle with one arm -- was standing there, back hunched, ready to pounce, and suddenly she seemed six feet tall. Behind her, on the floor, was the translucent, ghostly shape of another pink-haired girl, still curled up in a tight ball around a soft glow. What the hell was going on?
Kyuubi's low growl made Naruto forget his confusion. He had to save her first, he could wonder later. He rushed forward, splashing redder and redder water as he went; all around Kyuubi the water boiled over, demon chakra oozing over his body.
Naruto was in the middle of his leap when a lashing tail caught him under the ribs, sending him flying. The breath was knocked out of him, and then his head rapped sharply against a wall. He fell, dazed, struggled back to his knees as the world danced around him. At the other end of the black void-room, two blurry shapes faced off against each other. Whenever he blinked, the red-burning one seemed to have four paws, and a huge, gaping maw.
It didn't stop Sakura from slugging him right in the muzzle, a heavy punch whose momentum sent Naruto reeling and Kyuubi stumbling back. She seemed utterly furious -- and not afraid at all. Kyuubi had offended her, and now she would make him pay.
Naruto would have been more impressed by her fearlessness if the beast hadn't chosen that moment to start laughing.
"Perhaps he didn't choose so badly."
Sakura sneered, charged, fists swinging.
Kyuubi was man again -- just in time to dodge under her blow, a low, animalistic crouch. His sudden backhand threw her to the floor, rolling like a puppet with cut strings. Naruto roared in outrage, slammed into his double -- felt the shock resonating up his back, and the pain; he didn't care. How could Kyuubi even think about hurting her? How could he dare?
The world tilted, water splashed. He dug his claws into Kyuubi's flesh, his teeth in Kyuubi's shoulders -- or perhaps it was Kyuubi who was biting him -- it hurt the same, fur and then skin and then fur. Caught in the feedback loop, he didn't know who was doing what anymore, but he knew that he wasn't going to let go.
"--kura! Come on, you can--"
Chakra was welling up around them, bubbling and spreading; it should have left blisters on their skins. It seeped through instead. All around, the walls of the soul-room started shaking. There was another male voice shouting somewhere far away, but they couldn't make out the words. It didn't matter, anyway.
"On three--"
What mattered was fangs in shoulders and claws digging grooves into muscles and vicious kicks and limbs snaking around each other, and tails winding and whipping and melding, and hate rage hate betrayal disgust hate.
"Three."
The floor exploded. Water rushed back at them, and red bubbles and fire and rage, like a wave -- a tsunami -- and they rolled together, snarling from the shock. How dare she interrupt them when they were trying to protect --
"Out! Out! Get the hell out before I kill you!"
Chakra surged again; a giant hand swept the floor, narrowly missing them as they rolled out of the way, backhanded its way back. Slam. A hard surface broke behind them. They growled, offended and dazed, stumbled back up over the shattered door to pounce out of the corridor.
"Tiger, Tiger, Ram!"
The walls came to life. Spears and kunai showered them, pits opened under their heels. And inside her soul room, a larger-than-life Sakura stood, water bubbling red around her legs, fists white-knuckled, between the door and the ghost-shape of the other Sakura. They caught a glimpse of the soft, flickering glow she was cradling, and then chains wrapped around their throat, their chest, their limbs, hurling them backwards. They dug their heels in, infuriated, wrapped a tail around the chain to melt it off.
"Naruto! What the hell are you doing?!"
He stumbled.
They wanted to return to their child. To make sure it was alright.
But Sakura was already doing that. Guarding it, nurturing it. And the spears kept springing from the walls; he was too slow and one of them dug a furrow in his back. The pain enraged them again.
"Naruto, damn it, don't make me--"
('I put you down as my next of kin.')
Oh. Right.
If he made Sasuke kill him, the bastard would bitch.
He still wanted to go back to his child, to make sure that it would be safe, that it would be strong. But they'd all done their best and more than that was... bad. He wasn't really sure why it was bad, but She and He wouldn't -- didn't -- like it. That was reason enough.
He ran down the corridor, past the traps and the blades and the sloshing, frothing water. The gates slammed closed behind him; the clanks of deadbolts sliding home echoing under the low ceiling. He was angry still -- they'd gotten in his way -- but proud also. His way or theirs, the baby would be strong.
The last door closed behind him, leaving him standing inside the green room. He stumbled his way back to the cage, feeling, now, the exhaustion and the wounds. Most had healed over by now, but the soreness stayed. His head swam, and the double shadow looming overhead made him even more dizzy.
He closed his hand on a thick metal bar, and opened his eyes to a wooden ceiling, where a sketched stick figure grinned at him from under a mess of glowing barrier sigils.
+
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askerian: now i have to find a way to get them to have sex.
askerian: fuck.
rayemars: *snerk*
rayemars: *points and laughs*
askerian: *HATES*
rayemars: ...okay, maybe I should be more supportive, but still. Ha!
askerian: ;_; *emos*
rayemars: *pet pet* I laugh because I empathize.
rayemars: Really.
askerian: >.>
rayemars: I believe that you can do it!
rayemars: If it's possible to get Sasuke into Orochimaru's bed, it's even more possible for him to get into Sakura and Naruto's!
askerian: yeah, but not really
askerian: see, Sasuke likes to be a martyr.
rayemars: And Naruto likes to kick him in the ass when he is.
askerian: He'd hate it with Orochimaru, therefore it's a lot more likely to happen.
rayemars: ...Okay, point taken.
askerian: mmmsasulogic
sarolynne: That is so very true. Ah Sasuke. Why is it easiest to picture you having sex with people you hate? XD (And really easiest with people you love AND hate.)
askerian: this goes on lj.
rayemars: ....
askerian: >D
askerian: no? ._.
rayemars: Ah, hell, it's not like nothing said isn't dead true.
Sunfreak gave me good concrit about the feelings and POV and stuff, so I tried to edit a bit, but I could only sneak in a few more small details and I'm not sure it works well enough. It's meant to be kinda confusing -- Naruto is confused, and besides it's a mindscape battle, the laws of logic and reality don't really apply -- but it shouldn't be TOO confusing, and besides I don't know how to crank up the emotional impact. If you have any suggestions at all, specific bits that worked or didn't work for you, pleasepleaseplease give them. ;__;
Up ahead and all around, there was a woman's scream; and somewhere far beyond the green corridors, Sasuke yelled and fell silent.
He ran. He flew.
He arrived too late.
There was a slender figure crumpled in a faraway corner, curled up around a tiny, fluttering light. Pink hair in disarray, spread on the floor. Unmoving. Arrays of raw, white-blue chakra surrounded her -- on the floor, on the walls, in the air itself, like barriers; and they felt like Sasuke and Sakura.
Kyuubi crossed them like they didn't exist for him, even though the burns and welts mirrored themselves on Naruto's skin.
"--Sakura! Breathe, damn it, breathe!--"
Orange chakra started bubbling up from the spreading puddle on the floor; five tails of fire coiled all around the demon and her. Naruto roared in rage as he rushed forward. Too late, too slow, and Kyuubi was leaning down, and his claws --
"Who the HELL do you think you are?!"
Naruto froze in his tracks, his hand smarting where Sakura had slapped aside Kyuubi's paw. And stared. A lot.
Sakura -- his Sakura-chan, miss more-brains-than-brawns, the girl whose waist he could encircle with one arm -- was standing there, back hunched, ready to pounce, and suddenly she seemed six feet tall. Behind her, on the floor, was the translucent, ghostly shape of another pink-haired girl, still curled up in a tight ball around a soft glow. What the hell was going on?
Kyuubi's low growl made Naruto forget his confusion. He had to save her first, he could wonder later. He rushed forward, splashing redder and redder water as he went; all around Kyuubi the water boiled over, demon chakra oozing over his body.
Naruto was in the middle of his leap when a lashing tail caught him under the ribs, sending him flying. The breath was knocked out of him, and then his head rapped sharply against a wall. He fell, dazed, struggled back to his knees as the world danced around him. At the other end of the black void-room, two blurry shapes faced off against each other. Whenever he blinked, the red-burning one seemed to have four paws, and a huge, gaping maw.
It didn't stop Sakura from slugging him right in the muzzle, a heavy punch whose momentum sent Naruto reeling and Kyuubi stumbling back. She seemed utterly furious -- and not afraid at all. Kyuubi had offended her, and now she would make him pay.
Naruto would have been more impressed by her fearlessness if the beast hadn't chosen that moment to start laughing.
"Perhaps he didn't choose so badly."
Sakura sneered, charged, fists swinging.
Kyuubi was man again -- just in time to dodge under her blow, a low, animalistic crouch. His sudden backhand threw her to the floor, rolling like a puppet with cut strings. Naruto roared in outrage, slammed into his double -- felt the shock resonating up his back, and the pain; he didn't care. How could Kyuubi even think about hurting her? How could he dare?
The world tilted, water splashed. He dug his claws into Kyuubi's flesh, his teeth in Kyuubi's shoulders -- or perhaps it was Kyuubi who was biting him -- it hurt the same, fur and then skin and then fur. Caught in the feedback loop, he didn't know who was doing what anymore, but he knew that he wasn't going to let go.
"--kura! Come on, you can--"
Chakra was welling up around them, bubbling and spreading; it should have left blisters on their skins. It seeped through instead. All around, the walls of the soul-room started shaking. There was another male voice shouting somewhere far away, but they couldn't make out the words. It didn't matter, anyway.
"On three--"
What mattered was fangs in shoulders and claws digging grooves into muscles and vicious kicks and limbs snaking around each other, and tails winding and whipping and melding, and hate rage hate betrayal disgust hate.
"Three."
The floor exploded. Water rushed back at them, and red bubbles and fire and rage, like a wave -- a tsunami -- and they rolled together, snarling from the shock. How dare she interrupt them when they were trying to protect --
"Out! Out! Get the hell out before I kill you!"
Chakra surged again; a giant hand swept the floor, narrowly missing them as they rolled out of the way, backhanded its way back. Slam. A hard surface broke behind them. They growled, offended and dazed, stumbled back up over the shattered door to pounce out of the corridor.
"Tiger, Tiger, Ram!"
The walls came to life. Spears and kunai showered them, pits opened under their heels. And inside her soul room, a larger-than-life Sakura stood, water bubbling red around her legs, fists white-knuckled, between the door and the ghost-shape of the other Sakura. They caught a glimpse of the soft, flickering glow she was cradling, and then chains wrapped around their throat, their chest, their limbs, hurling them backwards. They dug their heels in, infuriated, wrapped a tail around the chain to melt it off.
"Naruto! What the hell are you doing?!"
He stumbled.
They wanted to return to their child. To make sure it was alright.
But Sakura was already doing that. Guarding it, nurturing it. And the spears kept springing from the walls; he was too slow and one of them dug a furrow in his back. The pain enraged them again.
"Naruto, damn it, don't make me--"
('I put you down as my next of kin.')
Oh. Right.
If he made Sasuke kill him, the bastard would bitch.
He still wanted to go back to his child, to make sure that it would be safe, that it would be strong. But they'd all done their best and more than that was... bad. He wasn't really sure why it was bad, but She and He wouldn't -- didn't -- like it. That was reason enough.
He ran down the corridor, past the traps and the blades and the sloshing, frothing water. The gates slammed closed behind him; the clanks of deadbolts sliding home echoing under the low ceiling. He was angry still -- they'd gotten in his way -- but proud also. His way or theirs, the baby would be strong.
The last door closed behind him, leaving him standing inside the green room. He stumbled his way back to the cage, feeling, now, the exhaustion and the wounds. Most had healed over by now, but the soreness stayed. His head swam, and the double shadow looming overhead made him even more dizzy.
He closed his hand on a thick metal bar, and opened his eyes to a wooden ceiling, where a sketched stick figure grinned at him from under a mess of glowing barrier sigils.
+
askerian: now i have to find a way to get them to have sex.askerian: fuck.rayemars: *snerk*rayemars: *points and laughs*askerian: *HATES*rayemars: ...okay, maybe I should be more supportive, but still. Ha!askerian: ;_; *emos*rayemars: *pet pet* I laugh because I empathize.rayemars: Really.askerian: >.>rayemars: I believe that you can do it!rayemars: If it's possible to get Sasuke into Orochimaru's bed, it's even more possible for him to get into Sakura and Naruto's!askerian: yeah, but not reallyaskerian: see, Sasuke likes to be a martyr.rayemars: And Naruto likes to kick him in the ass when he is.askerian: He'd hate it with Orochimaru, therefore it's a lot more likely to happen.rayemars: ...Okay, point taken.askerian: mmmsasulogicsarolynne: That is so very true. Ah Sasuke. Why is it easiest to picture you having sex with people you hate? XD (And really easiest with people you love AND hate.)askerian: this goes on lj.rayemars: ....askerian: >Daskerian: no? ._.rayemars: Ah, hell, it's not like nothing said isn't dead true.
no subject
Text formatting might help aid and hinder the confusion at the same time because if I'm not mistaken, Naruto and Kyuubi fused psyches and Naruto's fighting himself when he really shouldn't be, just holding the demon back while letting the chakra through.
Confusion and sex?
As for the sex, I suppose 'grateful we're all still alive' sex won't work. It could start out as Naruto needing to touch Sakura and stroke her belly to reassure himself that the baby wasn't hurt. Sasuke could be in the middle of checking Sakura's, I don't know, chakra coils? To see if she suffered any damage from the close contact. They could start fighting over who should be first to touch to let off their nervousness and fear in a manly way and then.... meh, them fighting almost always leads to sex. Ah, this would be the we're all grateful to still be alive sex. Oo what if the boys are all apologetic that they didn't protect poor little Sakuraand she gets pissed that they think she's good for nothing and drags one of them in for a kiss and then, sex! See it's so easy in my world. Okay stopbabbling-no-jutsu!
no subject
I didn't find this very confusing at all, and the disjointedness of it, I think, really helped place us with Naruto, who is feeling rather fragmented himself, right?
as for the second matter... I assume you want a little more than hormones + adrenaline = sex, right? *sigh* then I'm not much help there, sorry. But I'll be happy to read it when you get there. ^_^
no subject
(Anonymous) 2007-03-17 04:35 am (UTC)(link)I'm a little unclear about the POV, though I get that was what you were going for - did it switch to Kyuubi's POV towards the end, or is Naruto trapped behind the gate WITH the fox?
-- Guile
no subject
Um. Initiating sex. ...Sasuke was completely out of the loop with what just happened, correct? So...
Something just went screwy and he got a really bad scare thinking that Sakura had been hurt or that he'd have to kill Naruto. They wake up, and... hm. Inner!Sakura is probably in complete "SHANNARO!" mode at the moment, so she's probably not hiding behind meek!Sakura-chan nearly so much. Which means that, for a while at least, Sakura is being strangely authoritative, maybe even dominant.
And of course Sasuke would never admit that it's sexy, but...And faced with bitchy Sakura, Naruto's got his tail(s?) between his legs looking really intimidated, which isn't like the moron at all. Hm. Might as well snap him out of it. Then again, with all the Kyuubi chakra bouncing around, punching him would probably be a bad idea. So, the mission is to do something to snap the moron back to his predictable noisy self and let Sakura work off a lot of spare nervous energy.
Well, there's one way to use up excess energy without smashing the property. And a horny moron is a predictable one. All right, work with that...
*laughs sheepishly* Sorry, random theory. It would be amusing to have Sasuke initiate things for once...
no subject
Go InnerSakura! Teach that furball a lesson!
I really liked this, especially the feedback loop part.
no subject
I don't think I spotted any real grammar mistakes, but there are these:
Sakura sneered, charged, fists swinging. "Sneered and charged" sounds better and gets rid of a comma.
Kyuubi was man again I don't think anyone would ever say this. "Was human again" sounds more correct, even though he's not actually human. (Or maybe "was a man," though that changes the feel and meaning of it more.) But it's one of those weird, unusual usages that might could be passed off as just being creative.
I probably missed something; I'll read it again later.
[And a random note: "might could" is the only Southernism I ever use without thinking about it. Yay stacking auxilaries!]
no subject
Okay you have guilty Naruto, concerned Sasuke and Passionate Sakura. Sounds like a good recipe for sex to me ^__^
no subject
no subject
It was great(Inner Sakura=<3)....but I'm so....confused....
no subject
You will follow up a little on what happened in this last scene? A guess between Sakura and Sasuke with comments from Naruto on what just happened or something???
And I really look forward in how you are going to initiate the smex!? (sorry :D )
And the chuunin exam: Sakura will show her growth there!? (Though it's perhaps too soon? Though you did start it already...) I'm soo looking forward to it!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING!
OOPS sorry I lose *laaaate* D:
Yeah, i'll follow up with "WTF just happened??? DD:" Still, it wasn't my intent to make it too confusing. ;_; I hope it was understandable anyway.
... >D perhaps. huhuhu.