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(Naruto/HP) Crack Drabble~
Thanks to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
silverkiiri, theninjakitty, artimusdin and chronolith for the help and poking. ^^
as always, not betaed, also should have been in bed for four hours, which I instead used to write. This means grammar is not my friend, and i've caught one especially hilarious case of "okay, I don't think this word means what I wanted it to mean", which means I might have missed some other ones. if you find anything, plz to be tell me?
The search for Uzumaki Naruto had been long and difficult. He wasn't in Konoha, and his mission was top-secret. Getting the information without alerting anyone had been tricky. But then, Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame weren't S-rank criminals for nothing. Eventually, they got the info, and made their way to the faraway land of England.
Wizarding England. From what little they could gather on the subject, there was a difference. But for someone who had grown up in a village that was home to thousands of people and yet could still call itself "Hidden", the wizarding world was about as secret as Orochimaru's bedroom tastes.
Of course, the trip itself still took them about two months. By the time they arrived, they were rather low on funds; stealing from passersby was rather petty and needed to be repeated too often to be practical. They were, sadly, too far from base to get money there.
But there was no reason not to rent their services.
It made sense; Naruto-kun was holed up at Hogwarts, Harry Potter was holed up at Hogwarts. Voldemort could also pay them in information about the kind of defenses around the place. Besides they weren't Muggles to be distracted away from their path by a basic "you don't want to go there" genjutsu, and they strongly doubted that Kakashi had had the occasion to take care of every little flaw and loophole in the castle's security just yet.
The Death Eaters would give them money and the plans of Hogwarts and its defenses, Itachi and Kisame would do what they hadn't been able to do, deliver Harry Potter to Voldemort. And Naruto-kun, who just happened to be there to protect their "Boy-Who-Lived".
So basically they'd get paid to fulfill their original mission. All good.
The Death Eaters, though, especially that crazy woman -- Vera? Bella ? -- seemed to mix up contractor and servant.
Uchiha Itachi didn't kneel in front of anyone who wasn't able to make him -- preferably by breaking his two legs.
He didn't know what her little spell did, but then you had to be a worse fool than his brother to stay in the path of a ray of red light, especially one screamed out with such delighted wrath.
There was, though, an easy way to find out -- just for the sake of experimentation.
Itachi had the man with the silver hand pegged as such a coward, though, that it was hard to say how much of the scream he made after Itachi switched places with him was real pain, and how much was that he was a wimp.
"Try again," he invited tonelessly, and ignored the minions shouting in surprise at finding him in their midst, a step behind their master.
Voldemort was shielded, with something that made Itachi's skin prickle. He didn't care to find out if he would be able to break it; he didn't know enough about magic for that. He didn't have to let them know, though.
"You --"
The woman started screeching again. Itachi frowned a little. Didn't these people know anything? Murderous anger was to be channeled in actual murder, not wasted with pointless and stupid advertising of one's intention. She was unhinged enough to be an easily manipulated tool; still, that she seemed to be one of the most efficient people around there was rather...
... unsurprising, really, considering they'd frittered away decades and still hadn't won so much as a Go match for their leader.
There were maybe three truly competent people in the room, he considered as a blond, haughty-looking man, and a broken-nosed, sallow-faced one, who were already in position on both sides of him. The rest were yelling in protest or frozen in shock.
"Enough," Voldemort hissed, a hand raised, as he turned to give Itachi a long, red-eyed glare. His minions seemed well-trained; they lowered their wands slowly. Itachi didn't pay them any attention, his own red eyes meeting his would-be employer calmly.
"...You do seem to have interesting tricks indeed..." the old man said softly.
Itachi stared at him a second longer, then nodded his head, barely. It wasn't too late to salvage the negotiations, if the man wasn't too prideful to recognize Itachi and his partner's skills; he still wasn't about to be any more polite than the bare essentials. These people needed to understand how to deal with a S-class missing-nin.
They stared at each other a little while longer. Itachi could feel the smallest ripple in his chakra, on a weird level that he had always associated with Genjutsu -- the mindfucking kind.
"I would not advise that," he cautioned, still softly, and let his eyes shift into Mangekyou.
"... My apologies," Voldemort whispered silkily at the last possible second. He was smirking, as if pleased and amused; Itachi knew better. The Dark wizard was seething. Itachi made a note to either avoid giving Voldemort any reason at all to avenge himself, or if he did, to kill the old man on the spot, rather than let him plot some nefarious scheme. Itachi really didn't care to spend the next month looking over his shoulder for a curse coming his way.
He was about to say something meaningless -- "Let's forget it" or something like that -- and restart the negotiations; he was interrupted.
"HOW DARE YOU?!"
The woman was all but frothing at the mouth. Itachi frowned, just a little bit.
"Enough, Bella," Voldemort snapped -- too late. She was already aiming her wand and incanting again.
Itachi didn't bother to move; he turned to face Voldemort instead.
They'd all forgotten Kisame. One little punch and she was out like a light.
"Good help is so hard to find these days," he commented, unconcerned, and hefted his huge sword up, balancing it on his shoulder negligently.
Itachi allowed himself a little smirk at the look on Voldemort's face.
"We need information on the various kinds of spells there are around the place. Their limitations, their reach," he listed quietly, before the glare war could start again.
Voldemort briefly looked murderous, and then his snakelike face smoothed out. "Wormtail, bring them chairs."
"My partner prefers to stand," Itachi countered calmly, and finally got around to getting the information they'd come here to find out.
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Kisame glanced at the picture of the black-haired boy they were supposed to fetch.
"Neat little trick," he commented when Potter, apparently shy, started inching out of the frame. "I wonder if any jutsu could do the same."
Itachi didn't bother turning around to see what his partner was talking about. "Are you done reading?"
Kisame passed back the folder with the maps and the plans, crumpling the picture and throwing it over his shoulder.
"How long do you think before they figure out that we don't intend to bring them back that brat?"
Itachi snorted softly. "Who cares." It wasn't as if even one of them was competent enough to track them down, and the two Akatsuki had cautiously avoided leaving even one hair or one scrap of clothing behind, to prevent from being cursed from afar. The... Death Eaters, such as they were, didn't even have their real names.
Kisame smirked wide, amused. Voldemort really thought that they didn't know he'd planned to kill them as soon as he got what he wanted. Kisame was half-tempted to come back, just to see what tricks they had up their sleeves; so far, he hadn't been impressed, but there must be a reason why everyone was so scared of them -- or else that country was really more pathetic than he'd ever thought possible.
Coins jingled in his pocket; it was only an advance, a third of the total they'd been promised. It was more than sufficient for their needs.
"Let's get a hotel room," he suggested.
Not bothering to answer, Itachi followed, the Hogwarts map in his pocket.
silverkiiri, theninjakitty, artimusdin and chronolith for the help and poking. ^^as always, not betaed, also should have been in bed for four hours, which I instead used to write. This means grammar is not my friend, and i've caught one especially hilarious case of "okay, I don't think this word means what I wanted it to mean", which means I might have missed some other ones. if you find anything, plz to be tell me?
The search for Uzumaki Naruto had been long and difficult. He wasn't in Konoha, and his mission was top-secret. Getting the information without alerting anyone had been tricky. But then, Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame weren't S-rank criminals for nothing. Eventually, they got the info, and made their way to the faraway land of England.
Wizarding England. From what little they could gather on the subject, there was a difference. But for someone who had grown up in a village that was home to thousands of people and yet could still call itself "Hidden", the wizarding world was about as secret as Orochimaru's bedroom tastes.
Of course, the trip itself still took them about two months. By the time they arrived, they were rather low on funds; stealing from passersby was rather petty and needed to be repeated too often to be practical. They were, sadly, too far from base to get money there.
But there was no reason not to rent their services.
It made sense; Naruto-kun was holed up at Hogwarts, Harry Potter was holed up at Hogwarts. Voldemort could also pay them in information about the kind of defenses around the place. Besides they weren't Muggles to be distracted away from their path by a basic "you don't want to go there" genjutsu, and they strongly doubted that Kakashi had had the occasion to take care of every little flaw and loophole in the castle's security just yet.
The Death Eaters would give them money and the plans of Hogwarts and its defenses, Itachi and Kisame would do what they hadn't been able to do, deliver Harry Potter to Voldemort. And Naruto-kun, who just happened to be there to protect their "Boy-Who-Lived".
So basically they'd get paid to fulfill their original mission. All good.
The Death Eaters, though, especially that crazy woman -- Vera? Bella ? -- seemed to mix up contractor and servant.
Uchiha Itachi didn't kneel in front of anyone who wasn't able to make him -- preferably by breaking his two legs.
He didn't know what her little spell did, but then you had to be a worse fool than his brother to stay in the path of a ray of red light, especially one screamed out with such delighted wrath.
There was, though, an easy way to find out -- just for the sake of experimentation.
Itachi had the man with the silver hand pegged as such a coward, though, that it was hard to say how much of the scream he made after Itachi switched places with him was real pain, and how much was that he was a wimp.
"Try again," he invited tonelessly, and ignored the minions shouting in surprise at finding him in their midst, a step behind their master.
Voldemort was shielded, with something that made Itachi's skin prickle. He didn't care to find out if he would be able to break it; he didn't know enough about magic for that. He didn't have to let them know, though.
"You --"
The woman started screeching again. Itachi frowned a little. Didn't these people know anything? Murderous anger was to be channeled in actual murder, not wasted with pointless and stupid advertising of one's intention. She was unhinged enough to be an easily manipulated tool; still, that she seemed to be one of the most efficient people around there was rather...
... unsurprising, really, considering they'd frittered away decades and still hadn't won so much as a Go match for their leader.
There were maybe three truly competent people in the room, he considered as a blond, haughty-looking man, and a broken-nosed, sallow-faced one, who were already in position on both sides of him. The rest were yelling in protest or frozen in shock.
"Enough," Voldemort hissed, a hand raised, as he turned to give Itachi a long, red-eyed glare. His minions seemed well-trained; they lowered their wands slowly. Itachi didn't pay them any attention, his own red eyes meeting his would-be employer calmly.
"...You do seem to have interesting tricks indeed..." the old man said softly.
Itachi stared at him a second longer, then nodded his head, barely. It wasn't too late to salvage the negotiations, if the man wasn't too prideful to recognize Itachi and his partner's skills; he still wasn't about to be any more polite than the bare essentials. These people needed to understand how to deal with a S-class missing-nin.
They stared at each other a little while longer. Itachi could feel the smallest ripple in his chakra, on a weird level that he had always associated with Genjutsu -- the mindfucking kind.
"I would not advise that," he cautioned, still softly, and let his eyes shift into Mangekyou.
"... My apologies," Voldemort whispered silkily at the last possible second. He was smirking, as if pleased and amused; Itachi knew better. The Dark wizard was seething. Itachi made a note to either avoid giving Voldemort any reason at all to avenge himself, or if he did, to kill the old man on the spot, rather than let him plot some nefarious scheme. Itachi really didn't care to spend the next month looking over his shoulder for a curse coming his way.
He was about to say something meaningless -- "Let's forget it" or something like that -- and restart the negotiations; he was interrupted.
"HOW DARE YOU?!"
The woman was all but frothing at the mouth. Itachi frowned, just a little bit.
"Enough, Bella," Voldemort snapped -- too late. She was already aiming her wand and incanting again.
Itachi didn't bother to move; he turned to face Voldemort instead.
They'd all forgotten Kisame. One little punch and she was out like a light.
"Good help is so hard to find these days," he commented, unconcerned, and hefted his huge sword up, balancing it on his shoulder negligently.
Itachi allowed himself a little smirk at the look on Voldemort's face.
"We need information on the various kinds of spells there are around the place. Their limitations, their reach," he listed quietly, before the glare war could start again.
Voldemort briefly looked murderous, and then his snakelike face smoothed out. "Wormtail, bring them chairs."
"My partner prefers to stand," Itachi countered calmly, and finally got around to getting the information they'd come here to find out.
+
Kisame glanced at the picture of the black-haired boy they were supposed to fetch.
"Neat little trick," he commented when Potter, apparently shy, started inching out of the frame. "I wonder if any jutsu could do the same."
Itachi didn't bother turning around to see what his partner was talking about. "Are you done reading?"
Kisame passed back the folder with the maps and the plans, crumpling the picture and throwing it over his shoulder.
"How long do you think before they figure out that we don't intend to bring them back that brat?"
Itachi snorted softly. "Who cares." It wasn't as if even one of them was competent enough to track them down, and the two Akatsuki had cautiously avoided leaving even one hair or one scrap of clothing behind, to prevent from being cursed from afar. The... Death Eaters, such as they were, didn't even have their real names.
Kisame smirked wide, amused. Voldemort really thought that they didn't know he'd planned to kill them as soon as he got what he wanted. Kisame was half-tempted to come back, just to see what tricks they had up their sleeves; so far, he hadn't been impressed, but there must be a reason why everyone was so scared of them -- or else that country was really more pathetic than he'd ever thought possible.
Coins jingled in his pocket; it was only an advance, a third of the total they'd been promised. It was more than sufficient for their needs.
"Let's get a hotel room," he suggested.
Not bothering to answer, Itachi followed, the Hogwarts map in his pocket.
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I'm guessing the "(blah)" refers to Snape? Not quite sure what word you might want to use in its place, but if I think of one I'll let you know.
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Figures that Itachi and Kisame wouldn't even bat an eye at the shit wizards do.
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*licks you lovingly*
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Gah, crack drabble = random chibi doodle of seething Voldy and amused Itachi.
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This one is just so funny to me, and I can't quite figure out. Itachi realizing how stupid the Death Eaters are right away... so true. They're all crazy morons. Hee!
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I think my favourite part of the whole thing was the comment about the genjitsu and mindfucking. You just.....win at wording things. *salivates some more*
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(Anonymous) - 2005-12-10 15:04 (UTC) - Expand(no subject)
(Anonymous) - 2005-12-10 15:09 (UTC) - Expandno subject
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Voldiewart doesn't scre Itachi, I doubt anything scare Itachi.
And I have DIRTY mind. I'm pretty sure when you typed"Let's get a hotel room," he suggested. it was no meant to be read the way I did *koffs*
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Itachi: Yes, Voldemort, I'm cooler than you!
Me: No other sociopath could be cooler than you, 'tachi-san.
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Mais maintenant je veux une suite ;____;
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(Anonymous) 2005-12-09 02:17 pm (UTC)(link)Random question: when are Naruto and Sasuke going to learn about flying?
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Harry: So, you hold your hand over the broom, like this, and say firmly, "Up".
Sasuke: ....
Naruto: uhh...why?
Harry: To use it to fly.
Naruto: oo! show me!
*Harry gets on the broom and flies up to the treetops*
Naruto: Ooo! my turn!
*Naruto runs up the tree and stands upside-down on a branch and grins at Harry*
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(Anonymous) - 2005-12-09 22:16 (UTC) - Expand(no subject)
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(Anonymous) - 2005-12-10 14:14 (UTC) - Expand(no subject)
(Anonymous) - 2005-12-10 15:07 (UTC) - Expand(no subject)
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(Anonymous) - 2005-12-10 14:17 (UTC) - Expand(no subject)
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I love the clash of cultures. And Mangekyou vs. Voldie's wand waving theatrics...Now that's a smackdown I want front row seats at. And Kisame punching Bellatrix's lights out? Freakin' awesome.
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I missed the HP/Naruto cractastic 'verse. :P
Is Sasuke talking to you about the serious one? I love that like I shouldn't. ;_; <3
And with Itachi and Kisame showing up in the middle of everything? Hellz yes. x3
...I want to know what happens to Sasuke
between him and Snape and Volide and then Itachi and zomg *spazz*TT______TTGood luck with all your other writing things too though. :P
*loves on you*
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*Drum roll* Scary snake pervert, VOLDEMORT!
And character number two?
*Lightning Crashes* FREAKY PALE PEDO SNAKEBOY, OROCHIMARU.
Let us see what happens, eh?
Warning, /Crack/, creepy-factor, and mentions of those scaley things, snakes.
Voldemort was brooding, and doing a damn good job of it, too. All his stupid little minions were cowering in some part of the castle which he resided in at the moment, fearing his wrath.
Why, ooh why was the Dark Lord brooding one of his darkest broods? Why had he assumed the (tm)Gendo Position? With fingers interlaced just below his nose, hiding the lower half of his face? Why ooh why was Nagini coiled up in a corner, hissing despondently? For one reason and one reason alone.
Some pale freak had grabbed his ass while he was stalking in the forests around Dumbledore Central, Hogwarts. Voldemort had immediately turned around with a Death Curse on his lips, only to find nothing but thin air, a creepy laugh, and the scent of serpents. It had to be another one of those damn ninjas! His mood ruined, and his mind dragged away from his intricate plans, Voldemort had returned to his base of operations, and killed the first fawning little death-eater wannabe he saw.
Boy ooh boy, wasn't it a surprise to the Dark Lord when something wet drew along the side of his scaled visage, and a hissing little laugh escaped. "Kukuku, so YOU are 'the Dark Lord'? How interesting, Voldemort-kun."
For the first time in twenty two years, Lord Voldemort, first known as Tom Marvolo Riddle, shivered in abject terror.
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(Anonymous) - 2005-12-10 15:11 (UTC) - Expandno subject
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now back to bed. damn this cold. T_T
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I love your HP/Naruto crack and the introduction of these two. . . I went into excited hysterics, twice.
and still hadn't won so much as a Go match for their leader. made me do a happy dance. Go! Yay! *is a Go geek*
My favorite line (for obvious reasons I think):
"Let's get a hotel room,"
Yess! Kisame x Itachi + hotel room = lovely lemons (according to my admitedly biased imagination)
To sum up:
Yay HP/Naruto crack!
Yay Itachi and Kisame!
Yay hotel rooms!
Three cheers for Asuka! *cheers three times*
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The Go thing was Kitty's. I couldn't find the right way to finish that sentence. =__=;;;
... why did I think you'd take it this way? *suspicious look*
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I'm not much with the beta since I probably missed a bunch of other ones, but this one stuck out.
There were maybe three truly competent people in the room, he considered as a blond, haughty-looking man, and a broken-nosed, sallow-faced one, who were already in position on both sides of him. The rest were yelling in protest or frozen in shock.
First you mentioned only two people; second, did you mean "there were maybe three people he considered truly competent in the room"?
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thank you, love ^___^
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Annnnnnnd I was wondering if there's a place where all the hp!crack is gathered together? Because I heart it so and wanna save it so I can always find it again! XD
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yep, on my ffnet page. *looks for linkie*
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2573257/1/ here! ^^
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