askerian | Mermaids... IN SPACE -- Prologue, Liadan's intro

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ofic: space mermaids

Mermaids... IN SPACE -- Prologue, Liadan's intro

Okay, so I tried to make things understandable enough without explaining everything in the littlest detail... But I know the universe, and a new reader wouldn't. So if there's anything where I really ought to slip in more description or explanation, please tell me and I'll try to find a way. I don't want to make everything crystal clear just yet either, but it's not supposed to utterly confuse everyone.

Subject to rewriting at a later date if I figure I have more stuff to fix / edit / remove / foreshadow or whatever else. Or I might scrap it all if I find a better idea, but eh, I'm not looking so the idea will have to come looking for me.

Genre: worldbuilding, action, scifi, psi powers.

Summary: The civilization that genetically engineered mermaid-shaped humans as underwater workers fell; deprived of any kind of industry, the merpeople regressed to primitive nomadism. A few hundred years later, Lìadan, a young mermaid, is ready to go on her adulthood journey.

It was almost noon when Lìadan saw the Great Dragon cross the Sea-above. It soared over her, the blinding white trail of its tail cutting the blue in two. She would have expected a deafening roar, had she expected to ever witness such an impossible thing at all; there was just a strangely faint, faraway purr.

She was petrified. Had she been in the water, she would have dived straight down fast, sought the deepest crack in the reefs, and hid until her lungs burned with the need to breathe again. But she wasn't; she sat on a pale copper-green beach, the carved fortune-casting bones still in her cupped hands. It was as if she were held in a cupped hand, too -- as small and powerless as a captive tadpole, kept out of the protective embrace of the sea, utterly vulnerable, utterly exposed.

Just like the Great Dragons from the depths-below, the Great Dragon from the Sea-above didn't even take notice of such an insignificant being as she. She watched it, breathtakingly slow in its descent toward the sea. Its scales glinted in the sun. She thought she could see fins on its flanks, but the Dragon wasn't using them to undulate in the currents; it held firm and steady, holding the perfect mid-leap curve.

The moment seemed timeless; but eventually the Great Dragon reached the Sea-under and disappeared. The spell of stillness broken, she arched up on her tail to see -- and perhaps there were waves there, amidst the smattering of reefs, white foam topping huge ripples that eventually smoothed down into the normal ebb and flow of the ocean.

Lìadan had never heard of a Great Dragon who didn't dwell exclusively in the deepest, darkest chasms. But here was one who seemed to think he was a flying fish. A strangled giggle escaped from her throat.

"What amuses you, child?"

"Ah--"

Lìadan had forgotten the shaman was even there. She looked up at the tanned face, and then lowered her eyes on her own cupped hands, reminded that she hadn't even cast the bones yet.

"Did you see...?"

"I am not yet so blind," the old woman replied, fanning her arthritis-knotted tail in a teasing flick. Lìadan hung her head, flustered, and wished her hair weren't so tightly braided, that she could hide behind it. It was just as old gray as the shaman's, but Lìadan didn't feel half as wise.

She wanted to ask if it was true, if they had really seen, but the trail still hung overhead in slowly breaking stretches of white foam, and only fools and rude men asked a question twice. Lìadan had already received all the answer she would get.

Her hand tightened on the casting bones, and she made as if to throw, before she lost her nerve and wasted the moment; but the old shaman held up her hand to stop.

"...Wise Mother?"

"You wished for a sign to point your path, didn't you?" The old woman nodded once, with clear satisfaction. "A whole, live Dragon gives better signs than would a few pieces of a dead one."

"But it wasn't for me," Lìadan whispered.

Such a powerful omen... It couldn't have been. She was just a girl-child -- on the brink of her Huntress season, true, but no matter how she wished, she'd been born under the Matron's eye, to be a guardian of memory, a mediator, a teacher of children. She wasn't long-bodied, or especially hardy; and she was better with gathering plants than with hunting fish. She would likely be a drifting, solitary huntress only for a short time before her new pod found her and she became a wife, if she managed not to drown or get eaten first.

"Of course it wasn't," the old woman replied placidly.

Lìadan's cheeks flushed and her long toes curled in mortification until the webbing pulled taut.

"The reasons of Great Dragons aren't for us to understand. They do not concern themselves with human affairs. They do whatever they wish to do and go wherever they wish to go -- even if what they wish to do is to play flying fish."

Lìadan's mortification reached new heights, both for her presumption and her accidental broadcasting; but the old woman just nodded thoughtfully, as if having forgotten her silliness already.

"There is your answer, then."

Lìadan met the old shaman's eyes, voiceless, shocked.

She'd always been dutiful, helpful, never shirked her duties. The choice, she thought, had been between three currents, three mer-pods, three husbands. There was no going back to the path her old birth-pod followed.

"Go before the trail fades, child," the shaman advised gently. "See how far this current goes."

Lìadan deposited the bones into the gnarled hands, slow and reverent; and then she gave a beaming, slightly shaky smile, breathed in a lungful, and leaped for the waves licking the pale green sand. She pulled with her hands, tail coiling in the breakers, and then gave a last push and dived underneath.

Later, her husband and her pod would come first, as was proper; but it was her Huntress time, her selfish time, and perhaps it was appropriate to selfishly wish it would last a little while.

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♥! I haven't really followed your notes about this universe very well, but I was able to understand it decently

Yay ^^ Well in this case it's probably better that you haven't followed, so you can't fill in the blanks I should fix XDD;;

Mmmm. I like it, even though (to me) it seems to work more as a prologue than a full-fledged chapter. You're a very talented author, though, so I suppose length shouldn't matter as long as you can keep the pacing going strong.

The only thing that I really noticed that screamed "out of place" (again, to me) was this:

"...she would have dived straight down fast..."

Shouldn't it be dove straight down fast? It might just be me, but every time I read dived straight down fast it's like...I don't know. It doesn't read right.

Hahahahaha! Ignore the first part of my comment, because stupid me didn't read the title of the journal entry! >.<;;

X3

HRRM I really don't have a clue. Not a native speaker and all that jazz. XD (dove kinda pings me as the bird though. XDD)

*checks dictionary.com* Aha!

Both dived and dove are standard as the past tense of dive. Dived, historically the older form, is somewhat more common in edited writing, but dove occurs there so frequently that it also must be considered standard: The rescuer dove into 20 feet of icy water. Dove is an Americanism that probably developed by analogy with alternations like drive, drove and ride, rode.

apparently it's both! XD; i'll see which one bothers people more, then.

*lovelicks* thank you, dearest~

Go with dived. Dove reads oddly to me in that particular context. The subjunctive past tense makes me want to change 'would have dove' into 'would have doven,' (a similar sounding construction to 'would have forgotten,' for example), but 'doven' is NOT a word.

Dived avoids that issue. :-)

Ignore my previous post; I wasn't quite awake enough to realize why 'dove' sounded wrong to me in that usage.

The tenses go like this: I dive, I dived, I have dived. OR, I dive, I dove, I have dived. Note that the... past perfect? pluperfect? damned if I can remember the technical name... anyway, the tense where you use 'have' as a helper is always dived. So even when you make it subjunctive -- using 'would have' -- the correct form is still dived.

Thus endeth today's English grammar lesson. :-)

... XD Thank you, dearest.

Dived it is~

I've been following this, and to be honest it all makes sense to me. The only thing that really caught me was the bit about her toes, but when I thought about it, I realized what you meant.

Yeah, but if you've been following then you already know what i'm talking about... XD Oh well! yay for making sense. Thank you, hon ^^

I've been following some of your notes (and pictures) of this so I can't really give the opinion of a firt-time-reader. But I understod very well. And a prolohue can be kind of vague like that. *smile* If you give her a proper description in the first chapter I don't think anyone will be confused.

Also; I loved that you called the sky the Sea-above. Hehe.

#^________________^# thank you thank you !

Yeah, I'll try to slip descriptions of her in her next scene, now i'm trying to decide if i should skip to Blue for a moment or continue with her... >.> Hmm.

I like it a lot! This prologue gives a much better sense of Liadan's culture than your original snippets, and also explains why she's on her own and willing to be self-centered for a while. It also makes me want to find out what happens next, and gives a hint that Liadan (from a rather alien, low-tech society) is going to encounter a high-tech aircraft or spacecraft, which has all sorts of interesting promise. :-)

My one quibble is with these two lines: Lìadan hung her head, flustered, and wished her hair weren't so tightly braided, that she could hide behind it. It was just as old gray as the shaman's, but Lìadan didn't feel half as wise.

The way that's phrased, 'old gray' sounds odd. It seems to me, after rereading, that you meant Liadan's hair was as gray as the shaman's hair -- which is normally a sign of age -- but she doesn't feel old and wise. The thing is, I had somehow acquired the impression that gray hair was common among mermaids -- it goes with the piebald color variations and so on -- so using it to symbolize age is a bit weird. And if it's not common among the young, then you might want to clarify a bit more about Liadan's own hair color.

Or something like that. I dunno, like I said, the sentence just made me blink and reread in order to figure out what was going on, and it might not bother anyone who hadn't been reading your world-building posts.

*^_______________^* ♥

About the hair, it's a common enough color, but that's what they call it, old gray -- it's like "fiery redheads" who are assumed to have a temper and be loud and self-assured, people who have gray hair are assumed to be wise and conservative and live slow like an old-person. ... But yeah, it does sound kind of weird on its own.

I admit this line caused me tons of troubles because I don't know where to stuff some description, and it felt a little out of the blue to me, but that was the best place I found at the time. I think fanfiction has ruined me for people description. XD;;;; If you have a suggestion, I'm listening. Blargh.

Just a thought, you could put a hyphen in and make it one word, instead of 2. It would read:

Lìadan hung her head, flustered, and wished her hair weren't so tightly braided, that she could hide behind it. It was just as old-gray as the shaman's, but Lìadan didn't feel half as wise.

Does that help?

Hmm, that could help a little, yes; I'm still trying to find a way to reword that doesn't totally break the flow... argh.

I haven't been following your notes on "Mermaids in SPACE", but this made perfect sense to me. You did a really good job. This is very interesting and I look forward to reading more. ^__^

##^_______________^## Thank you thank you~

*writes! >:O*

Nice intro prologue. Only thing that caught me out was 'It was almost noon'.

Have they retained the earth/terran time divisions or should it read more like 'high sun' or 'full bright in the Sea-above'?

I like the implication that if it's okay for a Great Dragon to play flying fish, it will be okay for Liaden to play like one too for a time.

For them (and their ancestors) Noon meant "when the sun is the highest" more than "twelve o'clock." Seeing as they don't quite have the same number of hours (they have a little more), and if you went on a 24 hours a day basis noon would change every day. ;p I like "high sun" but to them the sun is called the Father and saying "it was High Father" would make just about everyone go whut. XD;

^_________^ ♥

I have read just about all your notes that I can find, so it made perfect sense to me. However, you do not say 'mermaid' once. Even if you were wanting to avoid the mythical conotations of that phrase, it may give first time readers a better idea of what kind of creature they're looking at, why she would dive to the bottom of the ocean, have webbed toes, be traveling in a pod, etc. Granted, you did mention she had a tail
Ayway, I think the rest of the info bits can be passed off as set-up and explained later, either through dialogue with other characters--like about the Great Dragons--or third narration description--like variations in the mermaids' colors and shapes.
The only other thing I would point out is 'arthritis-knotted;' I would suggest just 'arthritic' to suffice.
(I need a fricking icon for 'exposition', jeslecris)

I'm still trying to decide whether they think of themselves as mermaids or as humans first. I think humans. But even so, she would think of herself and the old shaman as persons first and their species second, so heh. (besides if I have my way there will be a mermaid on the ~~book cover~~ summary, so people will know what to expect. XD)

... But yeah, more body decriptions might be nice. As far as people know she might be talking about a cat tail >.>; Okay,hrrm. *ponders*

Like Edenfalling, the grey hair bit pings me as a bit weird, but I get your meaning, just not immediately. I agree with what she said about the "dived" and not "dove" thing, because I tried to make it into "doven" as well. ;p

I love the little details you have going (as always), Liadan's toes curling in embarrassment, the sky being called "Sea-above", the Shaman having arthritis in her tail, what Drich said about it being okay for Liadan to play like a flying-fish <3, and all the little cultural hints everywhere. =D
I love the way the POV is set, and the way that Liadan thinks. The expectation of a roar, but she heard a faint humming instead <3

The Shaman has such a sense of personality too, despite being such a minor character/having such short screen-time. ~~I've read waaay too many fantasy books where the mystical-prologue-person who appears for five seconds is completely fake, and I sit there thinking "ugh, why doesn't the real story start already?"~~ It's great; this section reads like a prologue, but feels like part of the actual story as well! Much appreciated. <3 <3

Lìadan's cheeks flushed and her long toes curled in mortification until the webbing pulled taut.
---> You may need to make it clearer that you're talking about the end of her tail here, because the mention of toes may confuse the reader.
That said, I may be being overly paranoid here, because I've read all your notes and examined all your pictures. XD
Remember what Ookami_ryuu said about prologues being allowed to be vague; some things you can just leave. =p

I also think it's wonderful that you're dropping hints about broadcasting and telepathy already! This should definitely be hinted-at-but-not-explained at this point! Because it's such an integral part of their way life, it should be mentioned, but not explained (Yet. There will probably be a wonderful amount of confusion ~~on Liadan's part~~ later, when she can't broadcast to Arun. ~<3 That should explain the telepathy thing to the reader perfectly. =D)

They do not concern themselves with human affairs
---> Do the merfolk (?)refer to themselves as human? Just asking, it is perfectly plausible that they do. Afterall, the language they speak must have originated from a human language, so they may use the same word, with the meaning of something like "our kind". If they don't, do they use "merfolk"? It's a bit cliche, but your audience (or whatever) will immediately understand what exactly Liadan is (and whether that is a pro or con, I have no idea.) =S

One more thing: have you considered making the Shaman into a two-tails-Shaman? I was wondering why they were on the beach in the first place, and that was the explanation my mind supplied. It might serve as an introduction to the two-tails society later, and you could elaborate on the relationship between the mer-folk and the two-tails (and the whole stigma, and forbidden-ness that comes when they associate. *__*)

*copypastes gray hair thing!* About the hair, it's a common enough color, but that's what they call it, old gray -- it's like "fiery redheads" who are assumed to have a temper and be loud and self-assured, people who have gray hair are assumed to be wise and conservative and live slow like an old-person. ... But yeah, it does sound kind of weird on its own.

Dived it is! XD

*dances* :333 Shaman, you know, is not so much wise as "whee i'm old now I can tease people and they'll chalk it up to my god-touched strangeness. Hahaha, they're so easy. ♥" Okay, she's pretty wise too. She could see that Liadan was way too controlled, so she would have interpreted the bones as "take the longest road" either way. XD

Toes => yeah, you're right, but I don't know how to sneak it in without it being awkward and clunky.

Oh, Liadan. >D I think even when she TOUCHES Arun she still can't feel him, if he's not very emotional at the time. So if they brush accidentally, she'll be all "BRRR what's wrong with you D:"

I think so, I think they call themselves human. I still don't even know if they call themselves merpeople/merfolk/mermaid/merboy/whatever too. Probably to differentiate from the two-tails they might call themselves "mer", but I don't know if they bother when it's just them. I'll have to think on that, whether they think the two-tails are human enough to need differentiation from. ~.~;

They were on the beach because it's warmer for the shaman and easier to roll the bones. XD They like beaches usually, it's not like they never land. And I think it's traditional because it's a little closer to the sky and out of the water, so it might lend some strangeness to the ritual.

have you considered making the Shaman into a two-tails-Shaman?
... HMMMMMMMMMMMM. Might be! Though now I have to think on whether that would change Liadan's behavior in a noticeable way. (also I'd have to describe the shaman's body... hmm. Maybe that means I could describe Liadan's by contrast. HMM HMM HMM. Excellent suggestion, i'll think on it.

have you considered making the Shaman into a two-tails-Shaman?
That actually makes a kind of sense - a Wise Shaman isn't very useful if A: you can't find them or B: they're too easy to access. A two-tails shaman would be relatively stationary, but two-tails = you have to go up on land, give up your strength/power/mobility (thus enabling an old shaman to dress-down, say, an arrogant warrior) - just the act of going to them is a bit of a spirit quest, you might say.

Plus, a two-tails shaman means you could bring the character back for certain later developments, rather than introducing a new shaman character.

Hrrm. Saro thinks otherwise so now I'm kinda caught in the middle. ;;

sarolynne: Hmmm. It seems rather odd to me. I got the impression that two-tails and mer societies were largely separate. Why wouldn't the mers have their own shamans? Especially if both cultures come at things with fairly different philosophies.

me: hm yeah, you're right
I kinda liked the possibility of describing liadan's body by contrast with the shaman's, but yeah.

sarolynne: Mostly, it doesn't really make sense to go to another culture for spiritual advise all the time. I mean, some people make pilgramages and stuff, so it's not totally without precedent, but it kinda seems like a needlessly complex way of doing it for everyone.

There might be a way to rig it so shamans are outside of those matters, but hmm. I'm not sure they would trust their young, virginal mermaids to non-merpeople, even shamans.

But you know what impression I got from this shaman? That there's another shaman around on the island who's a two-tails. XD They probably have different areas of expertise, and at their age they don't care as much anymore. Liadan probably didn't get to see him/her because she would have been a lot less concentrated on her purification rituals and everything otherwise.

Well, bearing in mind that I've been following the universe very closely... I like this. And I don't see any reason for you to clarify that they're merfolk, either, because it's from Liadan's point of view and there's absolutely nothing remarkable about it! And the implications are there if you're paying attention.

And if the reader misses what's between the lines, well, they'll find out when Liadan meets Arun and does her, "@_@" reaction. ^_~

everyeone else was awesome to you already, but I have to point this out:

wished her hair weren't so tightly braided

wasn't, not weren't

OMG I SAW SOMETHING TECHNICAL, I NEVER SPOT TECHNICAL STUFF!

*lovelovelove*

Saro says: How I was taught (so take with a grain of salt, because it varies) is that in English, the singular past tense of to be is "was" but the singular past conditional is "were." So if a thing really IS a way, you use "was" and if it isn't that way, but you're talking about if it were, you use "were." But, it's not really something that's required anymore.

It's less used nowadays, I think? But Liadan speaks rather formally, so I should probably keep it. I'll check other resources to make sure we're not both deluded. XD;

yep, you and Saro have it right! (says an English major/professional writer. XD) It's something most people don't get taught, or if they do they don't remember...

also, two thumbs up for Liadan getting the ass-kicking vision quest to end all vision quests, so nyah to the men who expect to turn her into a convenient little breeding machine. >:D Not that I am feeling the SLIGHTEST bit touchy after having been condescended to by a sequence of men in a hardware store to whom I kept having to make the point "yes I have a degree in technical theater, yes I know an allen wrench from a crescent wrench, yes I know how to use power tools, now try that conversation again without the head patting kthx."

"I am not yet so blind," the old woman replied, fanning her arthritis-knotted tail in a teasing flick. Lìadan hung her head, flustered, and wished her hair weren't so tightly braided, that she could hide behind it. It was just as old gray as the shaman's, but Lìadan didn't feel half as wise.

I'd change "old gray" to simply "gray".

"The reasons of Great Dragons aren't for us to understand. They do not concern themselves with human affairs. They do whatever they wish to do and go wherever they wish to go -- even if what they wish to do is to play flying fish."

Shouldn't "human" be replaced with "mer" or something like that? Unless you did that for a reason, of course.

Apart from that, I like it :)

I already explained why she uses old gray in the comments, I'm just trying to reformulate it so it's clearer but I want to keep the notion that she has "old" hair.

They think of themselves as humans first. Mer is only used as contrast to two-tails.

Thanks!

I can't express my love for this <3 This is probably one of the best prolgue's I've read in at least a while, for the reasons stated above all compiled (I like the shaman :D)

Quick question, just because I'm confused: In an earlier comment when you were talking about the phrasing of noon, and you said something about the "the High Father", aren't there two suns, the Mother and Father? If so, would noon be when the larger of the two is the highest, or when the one who's farther in the sky is highest, or something else I'm forgetting?

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Nah, Father is the sun, Matron is one of the moons, along with the Huntress and the Girl-Child. There's only one sun, but three moons. ^^

I seem to remember in your first planning post asking about how a planet would orbit around two suns v_v

Liadin seems to think a lot about the different type of female...aspects (Which makes sense, given she's a...she >.>;;), but I only remember the Father for male. Are there different things for men? ~~Sorry, I'm extremely curious about your 'verse~~

*squishloves* Ask all the questions you want. ^o^

Well, the three goddesses also cover aspects that a man can/should have (Matron = wisdom/patience, Huntress = ability to be self-reliant/watchful... not as much for the Girl-child, who mostly covers young people in general, though she also covers entertainers and is said to give fun-loving streaks) but the one guys are supposed to aspire to follow is the Father (as in, they're supposed to aim to be the leader of their own family/harem/pod). Of course there's only one leader per pod, so guys who aren't cut out for leader position or aren't at the time in a leader position also worship the moons. Women aren't expected or encouraged to worship the Father.

The Father covers mostly leadership and protection. The Huntress covers the ability to protect and feed your own self, and that's what Liadan's solitary trip is about (it weeds out people who suck at survival and would be a drain on a pod's resources) but the Father is about shielding people in your care from outside harm.

(the Matron covers interpersonal interaction between members of the same pod, keeping the peace in the family. The Huntress would encourage you to remove yourself from the conflict, and the Girl-child to submit to authority and apologize. It's for lower-ranking members of the pod mostly.)

... so basically a man can follow one of the feminine aspects (or even several, because while everyone is born under a certain aspect they can also choose to give more attention to another one) though a woman isn't supposed to give specialized worship to the Father, because it's about leadership and women don't lead. u___u; Also there are different cults depending on the area, though seeing how they're all highly nomadic and there's a high level of cultural mixing due to their "you can never stay in your birth pod" attitude, it's not too pronounced. But the religion is about worshipping all four aspects, because even if you favor one more, everyone has a little bit of all four inside them.

Phew. More questions? ^____^

Oh wow~ The religion fits in perfectly with the society you've created. Are there any type of punishments for a woman giving specialized worship to the Father?

:D

XD; well, they were developed in parallel.

Oh no, worship isn't punished, it's just, people would look at you like "why would you WANT to, you don't need leadership skills". It's just damn weird and pointless in their opinion.

... Hm, must think more about that. >(

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Mermaids... IN SPACE -- Prologue, Liadan's intro

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