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Space Mermaids -- Blue's intro
I realize I need to finish the latest Liadan-POV part I posted, but ehhhn, I still need to figure out plotty stuff first. Anyway, at the moment the main problems I have with this story are in the general plot; I'm not even trying to imagine too many specific scenes just yet.
Writing fanfic has made me totally unable to introduce new characters and places properly. I realize this intro scene is lacking, but I don't have a good grip on Blue's voice yet and I can't come up with ways to describe the characters and settings in a way that doesn't feel like irrelevant info-dumping. Nnngh. ~__~
If anything really needs to be expanded on, please point it out? and if you have a suggestion on where in the scene I could insert it, I will love you forever. (I need to describe Kalden more, for instance. But WHERE can I sneak it in? not a clue.)
Plz also tell me what kind of impression you get from the characters? ;_;
"Weeeird. You ever heard of a scientist with a sense of humor that wasn't about cutting up people into bite-sized chunks?"
Blue hadn't been listening to the conversation. It was nothing but a bunch of radar specs and computer mutterings that he couldn't untangle into anything coherent, and he had his own project to tinker with, anyway. But it was hard to ignore a straight line like that. "Never heard of one that was. Bite-sized chunks don't fit into a microscope."
"Har har har. Very funny." From his seat at the captain's side, Kalden threw Blue an unimpressed grimace -- which faltered a little when Blue put down his spanner and stood.
"I try," the mechanic replied, wiping his hands on a rag. He didn't put looking for "scientist" jokes past Kalden -- the man had to pretend to be working when he had no transmission to eavesdrop on, no computer to hack and no mark to scam, after all -- but Khiaw was another affair. Their mild-spoken captain rarely shared his amusement out loud, but in general he came across as preferring funnies of the Schadenfreude kind.
Blue's curiosity wasn't all that aroused; Kalden's lack of filter between his mouth and the inane, pointless part of his brain was notorious. But a break wouldn't hurt anyway. Blue had been bent over that stupid piece of junk for the last three hours, and was starting to think that it might be sentient; the hydroponics regulator had consistently pulled two brand new system failures for every single one he fixed out of its mechanical ass for the last couple of days. At least the ship came with an emergency solution dispenser to feed the plants, but in the meantime, Oriana would have to keep adjusting the grow lights, oxygen, humidity and all other variables on the fly.
Abandoning the kitchen table and its spilled machine guts, the young man made a detour behind the kitchen counter to grab a beer, and joined his two crewmates.
"So. Scientist, you say?"
"We picked up another transmission," Khiaw informed him absently. He was staring at the computer screen, dark green eyes narrowed, and tapping a finger against his lip pensively.
"Same expedition?" Blue took a sip of beer, blew a deep cobalt lock out of his eyes, and leaned against the table to get a look at Khiaw's laptop screen. A few programs that he didn't recognize were running; there was a page of text in a window to the side, full of annotations. As he watched, Khiaw pursed his lips and added another note to the file.
"Not quite. Same sector, but another sol-system. Founded by the same university, apparently."
"Well, we don't know that for sure," Kalden countered. "That planet it's going to -- Ararat, yeah? It's almost nothing but administrations and zoos and schools. As for which one it's going to, this one isn't encrypted much, so we've got the name right here, but I won't get the ping back on the other one for a couple of days."
"How likely is it that two separate universities that teach explorers will send people to the same sector at the same time?"
Kalden huffed, and conceded the point benevolently. "Fine, fine, it's the same university. What does it matter?"
The captain gave a thoughtful hum. "They're close enough to serve as each other's backup."
"... Oh. Right."
Blue leaned a little closer to read the intercepted message. Huh. Standardized alphabet, but sounding out the words only gave him some pretty gibberish... One of Khiaw's notes said Hindi. Blue could make himself understood well enough, but he'd never seen it written, and in its current state, he doubted that Khiaw's translation made sense to anyone but himself. "What's so interesting about that planet?" he prompted.
"It was a mining colony."
Blue let Kalden counter that, because there was no reason for him to look slow-witted when the other guy was ready to do it for him.
"Lots of metal, then? But we're not equipped to dig."
The corner of Khiaw's lip quirked up in what the crew had termed his 'tortuous mastermind' expression, an impression that the heavy-lidded green eyes, bristly black hair and neatly clipped goatee didn't alleviate. "We're not going to."
"...What's the point then? It's not like the indigenes have lots of shinies conveniently stacked up for easy removal."
Blue refrained from retorting that for a guy with such a big IQ -- a guy who ran circles around super-computers on a daily basis -- Kalden didn't think fast; but only because Blue himself couldn't guess at Khiaw's plans either. But then the best advice he'd ever gotten from his school teacher was that it was better to be quiet and seem stupid than to open his mouth and prove it; advice that their reedy, twitchy babblemouth of a hacker had obviously never gotten.
"This colony wasn't listed with the other Blue Reign worlds who surrendered. It's too far off to be a main site of battle either. There's a good chance they either evacuated quickly, or stayed and died out right there."
... In which case their possessions would still be there, too, and the crew would only have to pick and choose.
When he'd signed up as a space pirate in Khiaw's crew, Blue had been under the impression that it would involve more violence and mayhem than that. Of course, they got into trouble regularly, but half the time it involved fast talking and hand greasing, not high-stakes cat and mouse. Still, bullet wounds didn't feel as impressive and glamorous as they sounded, so perhaps it wasn't so bad.
Blue shrugged, the corner of his lips quirking up in rueful amusement. "You're going to break Lu's heart. She's been spoiling for a fight for weeks."
"She'll deal," Khiaw countered.
"Yeah, by beating up the rest of us," Kalden muttered. "And if they took the time to pack up before leaving? Hell, and if they were looted by some rebel way back then and there's nothing left but bones and -- plastic forks and stuff?"
"Then we go back to the first expedition site and storm a camp full of twenty workers armed with pickaxes and chainsaws."
Khiaw leaned back into his chair, looked away from his laptop screen, giving his men a quick, sardonic smile.
"Let's try the low-risk world first, hm?"
Writing fanfic has made me totally unable to introduce new characters and places properly. I realize this intro scene is lacking, but I don't have a good grip on Blue's voice yet and I can't come up with ways to describe the characters and settings in a way that doesn't feel like irrelevant info-dumping. Nnngh. ~__~
If anything really needs to be expanded on, please point it out? and if you have a suggestion on where in the scene I could insert it, I will love you forever. (I need to describe Kalden more, for instance. But WHERE can I sneak it in? not a clue.)
Plz also tell me what kind of impression you get from the characters? ;_;
"Weeeird. You ever heard of a scientist with a sense of humor that wasn't about cutting up people into bite-sized chunks?"
Blue hadn't been listening to the conversation. It was nothing but a bunch of radar specs and computer mutterings that he couldn't untangle into anything coherent, and he had his own project to tinker with, anyway. But it was hard to ignore a straight line like that. "Never heard of one that was. Bite-sized chunks don't fit into a microscope."
"Har har har. Very funny." From his seat at the captain's side, Kalden threw Blue an unimpressed grimace -- which faltered a little when Blue put down his spanner and stood.
"I try," the mechanic replied, wiping his hands on a rag. He didn't put looking for "scientist" jokes past Kalden -- the man had to pretend to be working when he had no transmission to eavesdrop on, no computer to hack and no mark to scam, after all -- but Khiaw was another affair. Their mild-spoken captain rarely shared his amusement out loud, but in general he came across as preferring funnies of the Schadenfreude kind.
Blue's curiosity wasn't all that aroused; Kalden's lack of filter between his mouth and the inane, pointless part of his brain was notorious. But a break wouldn't hurt anyway. Blue had been bent over that stupid piece of junk for the last three hours, and was starting to think that it might be sentient; the hydroponics regulator had consistently pulled two brand new system failures for every single one he fixed out of its mechanical ass for the last couple of days. At least the ship came with an emergency solution dispenser to feed the plants, but in the meantime, Oriana would have to keep adjusting the grow lights, oxygen, humidity and all other variables on the fly.
Abandoning the kitchen table and its spilled machine guts, the young man made a detour behind the kitchen counter to grab a beer, and joined his two crewmates.
"So. Scientist, you say?"
"We picked up another transmission," Khiaw informed him absently. He was staring at the computer screen, dark green eyes narrowed, and tapping a finger against his lip pensively.
"Same expedition?" Blue took a sip of beer, blew a deep cobalt lock out of his eyes, and leaned against the table to get a look at Khiaw's laptop screen. A few programs that he didn't recognize were running; there was a page of text in a window to the side, full of annotations. As he watched, Khiaw pursed his lips and added another note to the file.
"Not quite. Same sector, but another sol-system. Founded by the same university, apparently."
"Well, we don't know that for sure," Kalden countered. "That planet it's going to -- Ararat, yeah? It's almost nothing but administrations and zoos and schools. As for which one it's going to, this one isn't encrypted much, so we've got the name right here, but I won't get the ping back on the other one for a couple of days."
"How likely is it that two separate universities that teach explorers will send people to the same sector at the same time?"
Kalden huffed, and conceded the point benevolently. "Fine, fine, it's the same university. What does it matter?"
The captain gave a thoughtful hum. "They're close enough to serve as each other's backup."
"... Oh. Right."
Blue leaned a little closer to read the intercepted message. Huh. Standardized alphabet, but sounding out the words only gave him some pretty gibberish... One of Khiaw's notes said Hindi. Blue could make himself understood well enough, but he'd never seen it written, and in its current state, he doubted that Khiaw's translation made sense to anyone but himself. "What's so interesting about that planet?" he prompted.
"It was a mining colony."
Blue let Kalden counter that, because there was no reason for him to look slow-witted when the other guy was ready to do it for him.
"Lots of metal, then? But we're not equipped to dig."
The corner of Khiaw's lip quirked up in what the crew had termed his 'tortuous mastermind' expression, an impression that the heavy-lidded green eyes, bristly black hair and neatly clipped goatee didn't alleviate. "We're not going to."
"...What's the point then? It's not like the indigenes have lots of shinies conveniently stacked up for easy removal."
Blue refrained from retorting that for a guy with such a big IQ -- a guy who ran circles around super-computers on a daily basis -- Kalden didn't think fast; but only because Blue himself couldn't guess at Khiaw's plans either. But then the best advice he'd ever gotten from his school teacher was that it was better to be quiet and seem stupid than to open his mouth and prove it; advice that their reedy, twitchy babblemouth of a hacker had obviously never gotten.
"This colony wasn't listed with the other Blue Reign worlds who surrendered. It's too far off to be a main site of battle either. There's a good chance they either evacuated quickly, or stayed and died out right there."
... In which case their possessions would still be there, too, and the crew would only have to pick and choose.
When he'd signed up as a space pirate in Khiaw's crew, Blue had been under the impression that it would involve more violence and mayhem than that. Of course, they got into trouble regularly, but half the time it involved fast talking and hand greasing, not high-stakes cat and mouse. Still, bullet wounds didn't feel as impressive and glamorous as they sounded, so perhaps it wasn't so bad.
Blue shrugged, the corner of his lips quirking up in rueful amusement. "You're going to break Lu's heart. She's been spoiling for a fight for weeks."
"She'll deal," Khiaw countered.
"Yeah, by beating up the rest of us," Kalden muttered. "And if they took the time to pack up before leaving? Hell, and if they were looted by some rebel way back then and there's nothing left but bones and -- plastic forks and stuff?"
"Then we go back to the first expedition site and storm a camp full of twenty workers armed with pickaxes and chainsaws."
Khiaw leaned back into his chair, looked away from his laptop screen, giving his men a quick, sardonic smile.
"Let's try the low-risk world first, hm?"
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Here, visibly doesn't really fit. You can't see that he hasn't gotten the advice, so it probalby ought to say obviously, or some such instead.
Other than that, it was good.
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However, after Kalden gets up from his little tinkerings its very interesting and clear [took me a while to understand what the heck he was doing].
truely enjoyed the 'dumb' hacker - original and fresh. The all-knowing hackers are great to move plot along, but so boring.
And I get the feeling that Blue is very much a 'shut up and observe your surroundings' kind of person. So silent, kinda mysterious. ohhh. Shiny.
Very interested in seeing how you're going to weave everything together.
+J+
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Edited the beginning a bit. Is it a little clearer now? ^^;;;;;;;;
Heheh. The problem with Kalden's brain isn't that he's truly stupid, it's that he thinks in linear lines (and most of the time he thinks out loud). He doesn't have any intuition, and not much imagination in general either. Blue's IQ is much lower than his, but Blue is more... hm. Street-wise? He's a lot more practical-minded too.
Neither of them is as much of a mastermind than Khiaw (the captain) because while Khiaw isn't as purely intelligent as Kalden, he's quick to think on his feet and very determined. Also he might know less than his crew does on specific things, but he knows who to ask for the details if he wants to make something work. He's better with the larger picture.
Kinda thinking about changing Kalden's name, though, because two new names starting in K is a bit much. ~__~ Darel (blue sky) maybe? *ponderponder*
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Oh, I see you have their characters all panned out. I think I like Khiaw ^_^. And the two K names didn't really trip me up, personally. They are different enough for the reader to identify them as two seperate people. The fact that their personalities are so different helps.
+J+
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Oh yeah, one of kalden's problems is that he has no quality control filter on his bright ideas, so while he's great with the equations sometimes he's not much with the common sense either. XDD he's kinda chatty, though, and sometimes you don't realize that what he said sounded good but made no actual sense until after he's long gone with your wallet. XDDDDDDD *develop develop whee*
I dunno, I think i might like Darel just as much. I have no emotional attachment to Kalden... I've got one to Khiaw, though, so that one ain't changing. :p
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Plus, the relationship between the crew that you get to see here is fun. Not overdone drama, and definitely professional rather than affectionate, but still pretty friendly. This was fun to read!
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(Biologist's name is Arun.)
I'm kinda thinking about changing Kalden's name, because between him and Khiaw there's one too many brand-new K name and I think Khiaw fits the captain a lot better. Kalden is kinda more generic-sounding -- which works for the character, since he ain't that extraordinary -- but also means he doesn't need that specific name. What do you think of Darel?
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I'm not sure if Blue comes off as sarcastic, but he's certainly sardonic. As I said, it makes him very fun to read. A nice snarky internal monologue behind a poker face. ^_^
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Kalden seems like the calm type who doesn't get irritated to easily (by silly comments from his "comrades") - and i could imagine that he's a little sarkastic...
i really don't know what to think about Blue... he could be the calm type who likes to observe - or the "sweet and funny" guy...
i really enjoed reading it! ^^
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Thank you! ^_^
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Otherwise, yeah. Blue seems like a guy I would like; quiet and laid back, and a little sarcastic. The bit where he anthropromorphizes the computer program amused me, mostly because I do that alot myself
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^______________^ ♥
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I don't get much internet time, so I'll quickly paraphrase:
Blue seems pretty well developed, if not fully rounded out, and reminds me of Sguall with a dose of snark.
Khiaw kicks ass, but you might want to rethink Blue's introduction to him in the fourth paragraph; have Khiaw make a comment or take some action to justify Blue's mention of him and his personality.
Kalden/Darel has potential, but you might want to work on his characterization. If he's linear-minded, how does this affect his perception of himself and consequently color his responses to his inability to understand as most others would.
...sorry, I had a lot more, but times up.
I wish you a great deal of inspiration and can't wait to see more. :)
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BUT ANYWAY thank you very much, that's great advice. I'll work on it ^____^
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