yay, ranty time!!!

[askerian]

whee!! so long since I last imparted my wisdom on the masses in the form of a "OMFG WHY!!?? UR DOIN IT ALL WRONG!!!1!!" rant. XD Thank you windandwater for the inspiration. *snerk*

So what are people doing wrong?

Labeling their fics. More specifically, labeling their pairings.

There actually IS a difference between, say "nejisasunaru" and "nejinaru, sasunaru".

The first is a threesome that makes teh Asuka squee with glee. The second is a love triangle that's probably going to bore her to tears, or make her gnash her teeth at the display of teenagery "my sweet, shy, gentle Naruto-chan loves me best!! MUAHAHAHA." "What? HE SHOULDN'T!! I LOVE HIM BEST, and will prove it with mucho flowers and romantic declarations under the balcony!!" "I must now proceed to be jealous as fuck, and horribly bitchy to boot -- only because i am so afraid to lose him, you understand." "I will shower him with my love and devotion and wait for him to realize that j00 R MEAN and don't deserve his sweet ass shoujolove."

Some people love romances like that, where they root for one of the alpha males competing and hope Naruto (or whoever is caught in the middle) doesn't "make the wrong choice". I don't. It's no secret that i'm a threesome whore. So when you make me read the second by pretending it's the first, I tend to hiss and bite things a lot.

It's even worse when it's labeled narusasusaku. And i'm all "yay!!! teamlove!!!" AND IN FACT IT'S SAKURA BEING A WHORE MARY-SUE ok whore it is, and not ONE drop of yaoi. NOT ONE. OMG everyone loves Sakura, but who is she going to choose! She's so perfect and kickass and beautiful, so who deserves her sweet lurve? WE MUST NOW PROCEED TO CHOOSE TEH WINNER THROUGH MORTAL KOMBAT. yay ruining the team bond for a piece of ass.

So yeah.

THINK OF TEH ASUKA. LABEL YOUR PAIRINGS PROPERLY.

Comments

[edenfalling]

*pets soothingly*

Yes, much as I love her, in some fics Sakura must simply DIE. (Although I'd happily settle for the authors instead...)

[askerian]

how i hate sakura-sue. what's wrong with people actually having flaws?!! and i'm not talking about "stubborn (but just very strong willed because she knows best of course)" or the like. XP

[cerusee.livejournal.com]

ICON.

[askerian]

*preens*

[joisbishmyoga.livejournal.com]

sweet... shy... gentle... NARUTO? *brain goes asplody*
There is a better way to do a NejiNaru SasuNaru. "First one to get his ass wins." "You're on."

Come on, ppl, think of teh Asuka! Write threesomes!

[askerian]

XD!!!! macho lovin would be so much funnier. And sexier.and -- FUCK I HATE YOU NEW BUNNY AUGH GETITOFF!!!11!1

[kiyakotari.livejournal.com]

**feeds the bunny some lemon juice coated lettuce** ^__^

So it won't wilt, and stays all stiff and crisp, don't ya know. **wink**

[askerian]

NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *stares in horror at pile of bunnies-in-waiting*

[mojojessjo.livejournal.com]

TOTALLY agree with you there. Right on (wo)man! Fight the stupidity!

[askerian]

YES!! FIGHT!!! *beats chest and roars*

ow, boobs. ;_x

[windandwater.livejournal.com]

Every time a pairing is mislabeled, teh Asuka swallows her tongue. Think of teh Asukas.

T_T

[askerian]

whereas when threesomes are labeled right, she swallows -- LALALA OH A BUTTERFLY. #._.#

[joisbishmyoga.livejournal.com]

"and not ONE drop of yaoi. NOT ONE."

see icon

[askerian]

XD!!!!!

[kylara.livejournal.com]

Ack! *pets* I've felt that pain before, too. And whore it is, indeed.

[askerian]

*petted* *purrs*

I just hate perfect!sakura. I like the girl, but man, she's got flaws! She tends to be judgmental, she lets her love blind her, she has unrealistic expectations of people, she never DOES anything with her smarts, she went to war with her best friend over a boy ino didn't particularly want... she's NOT perfect! and it's possible to be sympathetic to her, and still not write her as a smooth goddess of lurve. x_x And a lot less boring.

[kylara.livejournal.com]

The Sue'kuras must die! And Sakura is so anything but a smooth goddess of lurve, ew. >_< In addition to all of that, Sakura also has fantastic dreams to the extreme of unreal teenage fantasy, like how she'd be Sasuke's first kiss and, even now, how she's going to save him -- which appears to still include snagging and marrying him. It's the virgin girl ideal of being with one person you love for the rest of your life. I can't imagine her sleeping with two separate guys at once with that kind of mentality. It works in threesomes, but playing two guys? Nu-uh. And something else about her: she would never give up on Sasuke. If presented with the choice between Sasuke and [anyone else], there would be no competition.

Or at least, someone would have to write one hell of a fanfic to make it convincing otherwise.

>.> But that's just my opinion...

[askerian]

oh yeah. her and her romantic ideals. -__-;;;

I don't know, i could maybe see her (post-timeskip) finally realizing that sasuke isn't at all like she thinks he is, and then maybe lee would win her over. but even then, sasuke would still hold a big part of her heart, and she would still do everything she can for him. he's always be her first love, even if she eventually accepts he couldn't love her back.

[acechan.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure which disturbs me more about your first example--the "sweet, shy, gentle Naruto-chan" bit, or the idea of either Neji or Sasuke talking like that in the first place. Character rape, anyone?

And the weirdest example of the second case I've seen involved Mary-Sakura sleeping with both Sasuke and Naruto at the same time, and everyone being cool with this, but still no gayness involved. At all. Even when the boys are in bed together, getting it on. Because OMG YAOI IZ TEH WRONGZORS. *shakes head in despair over idiots*

[askerian]

XD i'm exxagerating, but sometimes i see a fic that reads just like a doujinshi, and then it hurts. Already ranted about naruto not being a goddamn girl and what are people smoking when they see him as a typical blushing uke, so not gonna do it again.

think I've seen that one too. Isn't she an undercover cop or something? (*hides* and i still read it. I like the world, even if the great idea of the beginning has been handled all wrong. I pretend the "OMG WE'RE NOT GAY" bits don't exist -- easy since they have no problem hugging each other or sleeping in the same bed at all. methinks teh author is in denial. XD)

[acechan.livejournal.com]

The thing is, I know that there are people who do write people like Sasuke and Neji giving long, flowery romantic speeches, and every time I remember that a little piece of me dies inside.

And yeah, I think that's the fic. So very much, "How do you fuck an idea this good up that much?"

[askerian]

... yeah, i think that's the scariest. I can be as wildly ooc as I want, and somewhere, someone else is writing the same SERIOUSLY.

oh god yes. T_T exactly my thought. I even had a mini rant inspired by it, too. XD (whoa, i rant about everything)

I also really loathe it when you see that great fanfic summary -- it sounds original and interesting and maybe even sorta hot -- and then you click and it is teh suck. the idea is great -- but the writing and characterization and spelling and pacing and EVERYTHING suck, and you weep at the loss of a great idea -- and then you start plotting ways to do it, but do it BETTER -- except it would be sort of plagiarism, even if they obviously don't deserve that idea.

[falxumbra.livejournal.com]

Word, yo. If only there were a way to magically transform all of the awful uber-uke Naruto love triangle and Superslut!Sakura fics into happy, well written, sue-less threesomes! Alas. *gnaws on poorly labeled fics*

[askerian]

;_; if there is a way to do that, i want it for my birthday. and christmas. i won't ask for anything else, promise. T_T

careful now, don't get food poisoning. -__-;;

[caro8.livejournal.com]

OMG do I feel your pain. My favorite is when an author uses every warning/labeling to draw attention to their fic, when in reality their fic contains none of those things. When that happens my neck twitches making it look like I'm taking rapid sniffs of my shoulder.

[askerian]

*twitchy twitchy* people do that so much?

[rainbowlasers.livejournal.com]

Each time somebody mislabels their pairings or fics, one Asuka dies. Please, stop this massacre now before it is too late. Label your pairings and fics properly. This will give both you a good conscience and save the life of an Asuka.

In other related news, GODIHATETHAT.

[askerian]

and now i'm a zombie? or simply plural? thanks love. XD

[rainbowlasers.livejournal.com]

You're both a zombie AND plural. And you have tentacles. Because zombies when multiplied have tentacles. It's simple logic.

[askerian]

*plurally uses tentacles on you* =3

[rainbowlasers.livejournal.com]

**purrs happily** Tentacles!

[maldoror-gw.livejournal.com]

Here, have a prozac or three. Think of your blood pressure, girl! This happens frequently, and will probably always happen.

Because we all know some fics should be labeled:

Title: The Greatest Romance Evah
Pairing: Sasuke/some-blond-twit-coincidentally-named-Naruto
Warning: This fic contains yaoi, which is a word for 'het, except the girl has a thingie, though don't expect her to know how to use it'. Reading this will make you wonder if you saw the same anime as the author, or if you are even on the same planet. Naruto is rendered as an adorable, clumsy, weepy femboy who doesn't know the pointy end of a kunai from the other end; this will make you want to bite off your tongue and drown in your own blood.
Extra Warning: Also, in chapter 2, when Sasuke gently takes Naruto (because Someone Bad raped the helpless Naruto, and Sasuke wants to make it better), they're both going to cry.
Extra Extra Warning: Barf bags under the seat.

Did I get everything? Put this warning on a label. Mentally slap it on whichever fic you feel deserves it. It might make you feel better. But odds are it won't.

*huggles*

[askerian]

...


*whimpers*

[leave-my-mark.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to say, but this post made me laugh hysterically for like, ten minutes, despite me actually nodding/agreeing with most of it.

Ah well. ^^

[askerian]

My work here is done. *^-^*

[kiyakotari.livejournal.com]

I agree! (and I agree with leave_my_mark, too)

That actually annoyed me so much in the GW fandom that I wrote a friggin TUTORIAL on how to label fics and put it on my site...which is so old I think it's molding, and hasn't been touched in...like...four years. It was long, but if everyone followed it life would be so much easier in the GW fandom.

1x2 is Heero doing things to Duo. 1+2 is Heero LOVING Duo - sex is not neccessaily involved! And 1x2x5 is NOT Heero and Wufei arguing over Duo (unless they settle down into a threesome **luvs on Tightrope**)!

I can only imagine it's just as bad in the world of Naruto. **sigh** Thankfully, I haven't yet really started actively fanstalking those fics yet, and you (one of the only Naruto writers I read, with a few exceptions) DO label correctly. **luvs on you, too**

[askerian]

Well, at least in this case it's still about heero and duo.. the GW fandom is much better at labeling separate pairings properly instead of sticking them all together.

actually the x VS + thing is totally inexistant in the naruto fandom. why? because FFnet eats the + thingies, (and they don't have handy numbers) meaning that the pairings usually get squashed together using the first part of the concerned parties' names. Meaning there is no friggin way to tell if one of them is just crushing on the other one, or if they're having hot BDSM action, complete with burning wax and blood play. -__- it's SO annoying.

[rainbowlasers.livejournal.com]

My brain weeps for the image of SuperUke!Naruto in hot wax. But then again, THAT WOULD HURT HIS FEELINGS. Kind, gentle and romantic would NEVER DO THAT to his SOULMATE.

However, it cheers at the image of Sasuke in hot wax. Yum.

[youji-yola.livejournal.com]

FFnet also eats up some of the updates... T_T The update shows and then when you check again, maybe a day or two later, the fic is no longer in the update list. (Mostly happens to the good fics too.)

[askerian]

are you sure it's not just the fic getting entirely removed, or the author editing it? o_o it never did that to me. or maybe it's your cache playing tricks on you? *clueless*

[muffytaj.livejournal.com]

Dammit I had a comment and my computer ATE IT double damn.

Anyway, as I said, I have love triangles with a passion. I'm much of the 'everyone hop into bed and fuck it out' kind, and seeing people not get together because of social restraints and jealously is just so lame. And when I think I'm getting a lovely teamlove fic and instead get one where they are being driven apart by jealousy and pettiness makes me SO ANGRY!

Also, I finished your Naruto and Sakura seduce Kakashi fic (I know it was meant to be team seven accept Kakashi into the love but Sasuke just would not work and wah so I made it before they go to rescue him) so do you want this fic or do you want me to go and try and make a new fic and smash Sasuke in there and make him work?

[askerian]

seeing people not get together because of social restraints and jealously is just so lame

yeah ;__; besides, i read to get out of the real world, where people do get abandoned and their feelings not returned, which is why i hate fics with sad endings. T_T

YES YES YES FIC GIMME FIC NOWNOWNOWNOW COUGH IT UUUUPPP i want ;;_______;; (that's okay, just write me a sequel where they get sasuke back and seduce him into not going back to oro's XD)

[rianax.livejournal.com]

/;__; besides, i read to get out of the real world, where people do get abandoned and their feelings not returned, which is why i hate fics with sad endings. T_T/

Except sad endings are not the end of the world, nothing pisses me off more than seeing characters that have walked backwards out of hell, survive fire, flood, and every type of horror imaginable only to fall apart when their loved one does not return the sentiment.

I can see that if the character is already fucked up and the author celebrates this and does not turn into some tweenie cheesefest. People move on. That is the fact of life. Nothing cheapens a series like poorly done melodrama.

Sakura having unresolved issues with Sasuke. Fine.

Sakura still have lingering feelings for him. I will by that.

Sakura at seventeen and a trained chuunin acting when was a starry eyed 12 year old at any mention of Sasuke makes me want to perform dental work with a rusty spork.

Nothing rapes a character of credence like having act like something out of a Sweet Valley novel.

[tonoxtekko.livejournal.com]

..o.o

*is so tempted to write a threesome*

If I start on something first Dra~kun would hang me by my toes...>.>;;; *snugs* I don't how diffucult it is to lable your fics correctly -_-;; And oh dead bob the sufforcating <3 drooling off the pages...*twitches*

[askerian]

;_; not even a drabbly threesome for me? *rolls over and begs* ;;_;;

[tonoxtekko.livejournal.com]

Ee! ^o^ *rubs tummy* Mouuuuuuuuu~don't tempt me /)_(\ I'll see I'll see...

[killua]

[pats poor Asuka on the head] Threesome = forever better than a triangle

Save teh Asuka's!!! TT_TT gawdihatemislabeledpairings...