(no subject)

[askerian]

the thing about only talking daily to two people tops is when they’re both busy you’re just sitting there going “wait, i have other friends” and then being forced to realize that no, you don’t, you haven’t even lurked in any server in months or talked with any of them one-on-one in almost longer.

i don’t have the emotional bandwidth to maintain more than a couple friendships at one time, unless the other person does the job of engaging me first 75% of the time, and of course that wears down on people. i just go from “whee that was a great convo, fun” to “well i’m not gonna spam them daily when i have nothing relevant to our common topic to bring up today but i’m still pleased by our interaction” to “i haven’t heard from X in three weeks but they’re probably busy” to “well fuck i can’t come back five months later and say hi like nothing happened. i still don’t have anything specific and interesting to say.”

i’m so fucking lonely and it’s my own damn fault, but i still don’t have the energy to talk to people today. it’s a flop day and i have nothing to entertain people with. i am not funny or productive today, i am boring and full of whine.

i'm pretty sure think my best friend is losing interest in me tbh. we talked and she said sorry and it was better for a couple of weeks but it's already going back to low contact and lack of enthusiasm. it feels like a break up. sometimes i almost think i'd like it better if she could tell me clearly that she's done instead of doing the slow fade but no i wouldn't, i don't want to lose her at all but what use is it if she stays because i guilt tripped her into it? fml.