askerian: Serious Karkat in a red long-sleeved shirt (T7_Sasu And miles to go before I sleep)
askerian ([personal profile] askerian) wrote2007-06-28 05:05 pm

Team Seven-ness w/Kakashi.

So I wanted to sleep early.

Then I had an ItaSasu oneshot bunny. (half done, inspiration briefly died.)

So I wanted to sleep a little less early.

Then I had a Team Seven bunny that would include Kakashi.

It ended up gen, but that's the kind of gen that might not be. >.>

And it's been hours and hours and I haven't slept but by god! I HAVE FINISHED SOMETHING TODAY.

Yeah.



Title: Unexpected Guests
Author: Asuka Kureru (askerian (at) hotmail (dot) com)
Fandom: Naruto
Lead character(s): Kakashi
Pairing(s): None (depends how much subtext you like to insert in your reading, I guess. :D)
Genre: fluff with a tiny side of angst
Disclaimer: These characters and the world they evolve in don't belong to me. They belong to Kishimoto Masashi. I only lay claim to the plot and my own interpretation of the characters.

Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] edenfalling for the beta and to several other people on my friendslist for the mini-betas. ♥ (Please point out nonsensical sentences, bad grammar and other typos you might still find?)




It's snowing outside, a slow, lazy sprinkle of fat snowflakes that makes him tuck his legs a little farther under his brand-new secondhand kotatsu. It crowds his bachelor pad quite a bit, but he can't manage to regret buying it. If he's going to be forced to take days off, he's going to take them off in style. It's not big enough for him to lay down on his back -- his feet would stick out the comforter -- but at least the electric heater still works nicely.

Pakkun is hanging around for no reason. Sometimes he'll grouch that he wants water, or that Kakashi needs to restock his toilet paper -- ah, the joys of nin-dogs, so much more self-sufficient than children -- but most of the time the little pug curls under the blanket at his side and watches the snow falling. "Ahh, it's nice to be inside on a day like this."

Kakashi agrees with a thoughtful grunt, nods whenever Pakkun makes random observations.

Pakkun doesn't breathe loudly, but enough that Kakashi knows he's there, even when he's not talking. Kakashi listens to it, and watches the snow fall, hypnotizing himself on its slow dance. There's no need to waste a perfectly nice -- though unasked for -- vacation time with real thoughts.

Tsunade said it was well-deserved. Akatsuki, and the freed demons, and then the aftermath. Cleanup crew. Dismantling of the network. Many, many follow-up reports.

Kakashi wonders if perhaps the downtime is so conveniently timed because some people didn't trust Sasuke's agenda now that they weren't working against a common enemy. At least they're done court-martialing and cross-examining him, not that he seems to care much about the politicking all around him. Naruto and Sakura are hailed as heroes, and they're using their clout on him for all they're worth.

Pakkun grumbles something about his bladder and trudges off noisily, and Kakashi realizes he's thinking again, and he didn't want that. He sighs, closes his eye. He could sleep here, maybe...

There's a knock at his door. He doesn't know if he should be grateful or annoyed. He extracts himself from his cocoon with a vaguely put-upon grunt and opens.

His kids are on his doorstep, grinning and red-nosed.

Well, Kakashi knows that even if he pulled Sasuke's scarf away from his face, he wouldn't catch a grin there, of course, but his whole visible face from his forehead to the tip of his ears is pink from the cold; it compensates. There's a large wicker basket on Sakura's arm, and Naruto has three bottles of god knows what tucked under his arm, half-hidden by a massive parka.

"What are you doing here?" Kakashi asks. He knows he forgot to tell them it was an off day, but by now they've learned to check with the mission board anyway. A good habit that will serve them well in life. Why are they here?

"I brought dinner!" Sakura pipes up cheerfully, and waltzes past him, going straight to the kitchen without the decency to show that she knows she's intruding.

"And I brought the drinks!" Naruto echoes just as cheerfully, bumping into Kakashi's other shoulder as he trudges in after Sakura. He kicks off his shoes by the door and wanders to the kitchen to help Sakura with the food.

Kakashi looks over his shoulder in faint bewilderment, and then turns to look at Sasuke, who's still standing on his doorstep, expressionless.

"Oh, and Sasuke brought himself," Naruto throws from the kitchen. "Still not sure that's better than nothing."

There's a nice little thwack from his kitchen, wood against skin, and a yelp. "Naruto, don't be an ass."

Kakashi arches his eyebrow at Sasuke, who shrugs minimally.

"Can I come in?" Sasuke eventually asks from behind his oh-so-stylish scarf. The question is casual, not all that interested.

"Of course," Kakashi says, and means "Anytime, you idiot kid."

In the kitchen, Naruto and Sakura are laughing at god knows what. There are pans being moved around, and cupboards explored. At some point Naruto exclaims, "Ramen!" and Sakura thwacks him with the spatula again.

Kakashi closes the door behind Sasuke, points at some random chair when Sasuke arches an eyebrow -- a clear "Where do your guests put their coats?"; it's so nice to see that at least one of his kids is fluent in strong-and-silent-ese, Kakashi was afraid the secret language would die with him -- and drifts toward the kitchenette, not in that much of a hurry to see what horrors the noisy ones have unleashed on his apartment.

It doesn't smell half-bad, he can tell that. Beyond that, it's impossible to see much. But there are at least three saucepans.

"What's the occasion?" he asks, leaning against the doorjamb.

Sakura hums, a distracted acknowledgement. Naruto grins. "Where are your glasses?"

Brats. "Well, there's the one on the bathroom sink, and the one in the dirty dishes there..." he drawls as revenge.

Naruto doesn't look thwarted all that long. "Oh well, we've been more unhygienic than that before, I'm sure. Did you remember that time Sakura ran out of tampons and she borrowed Sasuke's underwear?"

From just behind Kakashi's shoulder, Sasuke growls. "I don't remember and don't want to. Take off your parka, you're going to knock down the shelves."

Naruto grumbles, but complies, abandoning the bottles on the table. Sake, Kakashi sees. Not excellent, but decent.

Sasuke takes Sakura's coat, abandoned on a kitchen chair, and goes to put away both hers and Naruto's with his own. Such a fastidious child, really. Naruto is flopping front down on the carpet in front of the dog. "Heya, Pakkun. Long time no see! How's the wife and kids?"

Sasuke drifts back in the kitchen to help Sakura. Naruto keeps chattering with the dog, squirming and rolling until his lower body disappears under the kotatsu. Kakashi stands by the kitchen door, somewhat bewildered. His bachelor pad is tiny; with his brats inside as well, there's literally nowhere to turn that isn't occupied.

Kakashi wonders how long they'd tolerate him locked up in the bathroom before breaking in. He needs a comfortable advance if he wants to make a successful escape.

"Naruto, Kakashi-sensei, go wash your hands!" Sakura calls from the kitchen.

Kakashi thinks about protesting being mothered in his own house, and then sighs and decides it isn't worth it. From the bathroom, he can see Sasuke setting the table on the kotatsu's wooden surface. Naruto stretches his legs underneath the thick comforter to try and trip Sasuke. Sasuke steps on him, quite deliberately.

Eventually, they all take place under the warmth of the kotatsu. Kakashi's legs get kicked and brushed against quite a bit as they try to settle, but then, from the way Sakura jumps, he's not the only one. They proceed to have a very nice meal, full of smiles and laughter and pleasantries. (Sakura kicks Naruto into the broom cupboard once when he attempts to see Kakashi's face behind the book he's holding as a screen, and gets sake to slosh on her top in the process. Pakkun has abandoned him for Sasuke's corner, where they both proceed to look aloof and unconcerned as Sasuke's food mysteriously teleports out of his plate to appear under the pug's muzzle.)

It's nice. Comfortable. Naruto's silly jokes and Sakura's giggles and Sasuke's barely-there smirks. No mission, no life or death situation. He knows they've done something to resolve the lingering tension. He's glad for them, glad that they found their balance again, that they managed to fit Sasuke right back in -- not quite as if he'd never left, but still just as solidly.

So why are they celebrating it with him? He had nothing to do with that. Almost nothing. Negligible, really.

He's their teacher, their leader.

He's not their friend.

He opens his mouth to ask, once again, what this whole thing is about -- and Sakura fills his arms with empty dishes. Naruto trudges along grudgingly, wedges himself between the tiny sink and the wall to dry what Kakashi washes, making himself more of a hindrance than a help.

He would gladly step back and stop bumping into Naruto's shoulder so much, but every time he tries, Naruto's eyes gleam and he asks, "You wouldn't be shirking, now would you, Kakashi-sensei?"

"No," Kakashi sighs. "No, I wouldn't be."

When they're done, Sakura and Sasuke have cleaned the kotatsu's surface and are now doing a whole lot of nothing, their legs tucked comfortably under the warm blankets. Pakkun is on Sakura's lap; she's tugging on his ears. If he weren't such a blasé old veteran, his dog butt would be wagging all over the place; as it is, Kakashi can see his tail shivering. Traitor. Sasuke is sitting kitty-corner from her, his back against the wall, his arms crossed. His eyes are closed, and Kakashi pauses to watch him. He knows the little pest has scars, figurative and not; but then he goes and closes his eyes in their presence and Kakashi thinks that for all the stupid stunts he's pulled, Sasuke is still remarkably unscathed.

Or maybe -- he amends as Naruto swaggers his way to the table and slumps against the wall at Sasuke's side, and Sakura looks up from her doggy torture to smile at Sasuke's faint put-upon frown -- maybe Sasuke's just lucky enough to have found people who knew his cracks well enough to mend them, and had perhaps picked up a few missing pieces for safekeeping.

He's never going to fully understand what his kids have. Most team bonds aren't that strong. He's pretty sure his own wouldn't have been, even if they hadn't been so neatly severed. Crazy, obsessive brats. He watches them from the kitchen door, all but snuggled together under the comforter. He never did have that, and he'll kill to make sure his kids don't lose it.

But now he wants to excuse himself out of his own house. Damn brats. He chuckles, shakes his head, thinks of turning away.

"Oi, Kakashi-sensei, are you coming or not?"

"You seem to have taken over my spot," he retorts lightly. And not only his spot. Annoying little pests. He's touched that they want to show their appreciation so much; he didn't ask for that. All he wants is for nothing to break them up ever again -- but even that wish isn't worth much. He wasn't the one who pulled them back together. They did that on their own. Still... He'll do his best to keep them safe.

"Mou, Sensei!" Sakura pouts as she starts extracting herself from the tangle of legs under the kotatsu. "What are you standing there in the draft for?"

"Yeah," Naruto drawls as he moves up on a knee. "We're gonna think you think we have cooties."

"But you do have cooties," Kakashi replies blandly, and wonders if his kids are actually, really herding him.

What reels him in, though, is the way Sasuke looks -- a mix of "you two are silly" and... Something else, he doesn't know. Acceptance, but not the kind that makes you smile.

Acceptance of Kakashi's reluctance to get any closer, maybe.

Because of the three of them, Sasuke would guess why Kakashi wants to keep his distances. He's entangled enough that he knows he couldn't live with himself if he let someone break them. The least he can do is not entangle them right back. He's damaged, been damaged too long; he healed crooked. His kids don't fit his missing pieces. They're never going to.

They're never going to heal him and they're never going to replace his dead. Sakura is not Rin; Naruto is neither Yondaime nor Obito; Sasuke is not quite enough of Obito and far too much of Kakashi.

But when he looks at Sasuke's eyes -- recognition, lack of surprise... regret -- he forgets to evade Naruto's sudden one-armed, manly, possessive hug, and Sakura's octopus hold on his arm, and then there he is, sitting with his legs toasty-warm, with one kid on each side and one in front, and a dog trotting over the table to plop in his lap.

And then Naruto laughs, and entangles their legs under the table, and Sakura's attempts to stop him make things worse, and Sasuke looks at him and doesn't make a move to get free.

It's snowing outside, a slow, lazy sprinkle of fat snowflakes, and his apartment is crowded, and this is a nice vacation day. Yes, a very nice vacation day.

[identity profile] m-a-foxfire.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 03:34 pm (UTC)(link)
...Nobody writes Team 7 fluff quite like you do. It gives me warm fuzzies all over.

[identity profile] everyheart.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 03:47 pm (UTC)(link)
:D

Just :D.

AWWWHSOHAPPYFLUFFYANDOMGITHINKMYBRAINASPLODEDOFTEHLOVE.

I didn't find any obvious mistakes, either. But my brain is all fuzzily and I need food so I might've just missed them and they didn't compute in my brain. 8|

But still.

:D <3

[identity profile] lixz.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 04:21 pm (UTC)(link)
That was so cute! And there was a bit of angst and a happy ending and damn I really love your Sasuke ♥ But I didn't get Kakashi's answer to Naruto. Kitchen, dirty pile...what? Maybe I'm just being stupid, it might be blindingly obvious ^^;
"It's nice to be inside by a day like this" should be "on a day like this".

[identity profile] lixz.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 04:47 pm (UTC)(link)
Ah, forgot something: "Where do your guests put their coats?"

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[identity profile] lixz.livejournal.com - 2007-06-29 16:22 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] annwyd.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 04:30 pm (UTC)(link)
Awww, Team 7. And Kakashi ♥ You do right by him in this one, I think.

it's so nice to see that at least one of his kids is fluent in strong-and-silent-ese, Kakashi was afraid the secret language would die with him
--adorable. ♥

[identity profile] vanilla-rapture.livejournal.com 2007-06-29 04:34 am (UTC)(link)
I agree with this statement!

Also, the thing about Sakura and the running out of tampons was totally hilarious.

God, so cute. I love it.

[identity profile] artimusdin.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 04:40 pm (UTC)(link)
... I swear you write the best team7 EVER. *____*

[identity profile] kanarenee.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 05:21 pm (UTC)(link)
This is probably going to seem like a really, really random comment to your journal, but....

My friends and I fell in LOVE with your story Teamwork, and coincidentally, we're all cosplayers (who each support a different pairing withing SasuSakuNaru XDDD). We were all together this last week and got the bright idea to take Teamwork cosplay pictures for you.

If you'd like to see them, let us know ^__^;; They're kind of embarassing, and we didn't wear our actual costumes (we fixed up some temporary wigs and made some temporary clothes, and took a few pictures in a hot tub), but we thought it would be something different and you might get a kick out of it.

I still need to edit them up at a bit, but if you're interested in seeing the inspiration your fic has given, let me know and I'll share them with you ^___^

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[identity profile] kanarenee.livejournal.com - 2007-06-30 02:52 (UTC) - Expand

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[identity profile] kanarenee.livejournal.com - 2007-06-30 15:55 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] fireflies-x.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 06:59 pm (UTC)(link)
That was so sweet. ;_;

SEE THAT'S WHAT I MISS... what with sasuke being all grgrdieitachidie, there's not enough Team 7 fluff goin around in Naruto anymore. -sobs- Aah. How i miss that. And I think that captured all the Team 7 loving that the show is missing, and it was just reallyreallyreally sweet.

...aaahhhh ;____; i loved it.<3

[identity profile] ina-noranaya.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 07:39 pm (UTC)(link)
That was cute. Your way of writing these characters is still the most awesome thing ever. Strong-and-silent-ese, indeed. And Sakura borrowed Sasuke's underwear.

There were a few occasions where the sentences got a bit too convoluted, but your late-at-night, unbetaed grammar is still better than most of fanfiction. ^_^ You might want to go through and split up a few of the longer ones, though.

This sentence does need to be reworded, as the two segments don't agree: Kakashi's legs get kicked and brushed against quite a bit as they try to settle, but then, from the way Sakura jumps, so is everyone else. It ought to be Kakashi gets his legs kicked. . . so does everyone else, or Kakashi's legs get kicked. . . so do everyone else's., or even Kakashi's getting his legs kicked. . . so is everyone else. (God, I love you English, having a bajillion ways to say everything.)

That's the only strictly ungrammatical thing I recall spotting; there just may be a few unusual stylistic issues.

As an example of one of those:
How's the wife and children? "How's the wife and kids?" is used so much that it's almost a stock phrase (so you may want to avoid it, I dunno); my only qualm with your variation is that I don't know if Naruto would be that creative, and it may be a shade formal for him to say "children" in this context.

I will now retreat to a corner to be quietly floored by your skill with the English language.

[identity profile] desert-anbu.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 07:51 pm (UTC)(link)
*melts into warm goo*

<3
ext_2686: (DW - martha's impressed face)

[identity profile] stripedpetunia.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 08:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Awwwwwww.

Sasuke let Sakura borrow his underwear? Of course, he always seemed to know better than Naruto when to quit while he was ahead, didn't he?

Eee, this was nice to read.

[identity profile] sarolynne.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 08:22 pm (UTC)(link)
Yay! You finished something! XD I'll poke you for more of the ItaSasu later, but this turned out very nicely!

And cute.

bumping on Kakashi's other shoulder

This is the only thing I caught that someone else didn't get first. Normally, it would be "bumping into" I think. "Bumping on" makes sense, but I don't think it's anything you'd really hear.

[identity profile] mommyr.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 08:25 pm (UTC)(link)
WAFFy goodness!

*melts*

this had me sniffling . . . you write so WELL.

[identity profile] mitsuhachi.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 08:57 pm (UTC)(link)
I love the way you make it so cozy, how you can really feel the snug warmth inside and the cold outside. And the way you never forget that kakashi was really broken really early, which is one of my favorite things about him, the way he's functional but not really...well, and in fic a lot of the time that gets magicked away by the power of TWU LUV and.. yeah, thank you for not doing that. And as always, the way you write him interacting with sasuke is complete win. <3

The only thing I noticed-- and bear in mind, this is one of those terms I think that has regional variance-- but I don't know what you mean here: "Sasuke is sitting kitty-corner from her". Where I'm from, kitty-corner means... like... if you have two things side by side and two things across from them, the ones on opposite corners are kitty-corner to each other. (like, the one on the left on one side and the one on the right across from them, yeah?) But if kotasu are square and kind of little, you don't have that configuration, so... But it's possible it means something else somewhere else in the country, and that's the definition you're using.
tephra: Photo portrait of a doll with shaggy, dark orange and copper hair, wearing a pink slouchy hat and sky blue glasses. (Default)

[personal profile] tephra 2007-06-28 11:33 pm (UTC)(link)
Kitty-corner is "diagonal" basically, how the diagonal is drawn is probably regional. For me it's two objects "next to each other" on either side of a corner. Your layout for kitty-corner would be "diagonally across from" in my lexicon.

The dictionary I checked says "at opposite corners" so who knows. *shrug, laugh*

Yay for regional variation? :)

I wish I had more icon slots on LJ so I could reply with this icon that I made after a binge of re-reading Teamwork:

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[identity profile] terraminuit.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 09:08 pm (UTC)(link)
....squee!Ah I love fluff..you made my day.

[identity profile] snake-aes.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 09:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Your fic is good, and you should feel good.

(Anonymous) 2007-06-28 10:19 pm (UTC)(link)
Kakashi's legs get kicked and brushed against quite a bit as they try to settle, but then, from the way Sakura jumps, so is everyone else.

There's not an agreement between the first and second parts of the sentence (Kakashi's legs, versus "everyone else"). One possible suggestion: "Kakashi's legs get kicked and brushed against quite a bit as they try to settle; but then, from the way Sakura jumps, so are everyone else's." Another option might be "Kakashi has his legs kicked and brushed against as they try to settle..." but that reads to me a bit regional. (Southern US, actually.)

It is very cute, this story. I hope the manga ends in such a way that allows for it.

[identity profile] aelinasongmaker.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 10:56 pm (UTC)(link)
Aw. <3 For some reason this makes me want to hug Sasuke and Kakashi and tell them I'm sorry their fathers didn't love them enough as children. But it's very sweet and very in character. Your Naruto characters are always in character. It's very nice. ^_^

[identity profile] yuenoclow.livejournal.com 2007-06-28 11:19 pm (UTC)(link)
*flails* OMG the KYUTE!!!

[identity profile] complexphoenix.livejournal.com 2007-06-29 12:12 am (UTC)(link)
Sleep is for the weak. And for those who don't have plotbunnies that need to be written RIGHT NOW.

Nice work. I didn't even know that kotatsu existed. Cultural exposure yay! Shame about lack of insulation in Japanese houses, though.
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)

exhaustively thorough beta attempt, part 1

[personal profile] edenfalling 2007-06-29 12:13 am (UTC)(link)
Okay. Let me start by saying that this is wonderful and lovely and warm and squishy and shadowed around the edges in exactly the right way, and I love it to pieces.

But I have time to kill, and I am going to give you a merciless line-by-line beta job. *grin*

-----

You can infer from stuff that happens later that Kakashi stands up to answer his door, but within the story, it can just as easily seem that one of Team 7 picks the lock while he's still sitting down debating whether to pretend he isn't home.

-----

He knows he forgot to tell them it was an off day, but by then they've learned to check with the mission board anyway. Should be 'now' instead of 'then.'

-----

"And I brought the drinks!" Naruto echoes just as cheerfully, bumping on Kakashi's other shoulder as he trudges in after Sakura. Delete 'on.' Possibly replace with 'into,' though that's not strictly necessary.

-----

"Can I come in?" Sasuke eventually asks from behind his oh-so-stylish scarf. The question is casual, not all that interested.

-----

"Of course," Kakashi says, and means "anytime, you idiot kid."
You have an extra line break between these paragraphs. Also, capitalize 'anytime.'

-----

At some point Naruto exclaims, "Ramen!", and Sakura thwacks him with the spatula again. Delete the comma after "Ramen!"

-----

Kakashi closes the door behind Sasuke, points at some random chair when Sasuke arches an eyebrow -- a clear "Where do your guests put your coats?", it's so nice to see that at least one of his kids is fluent in strong-and-silent-ese, Kakashi was afraid the secret language would die with him -- and drifts toward the kitchenette, not in that much of a hurry to see what horrors the noisy ones have unleashed on his apartment. The section between the dashes is three independent clauses and should therefore be joined with semicolons rather than commas.

-----

Naruto grumbles, but complies, abandoning the bottles on the table. You don't need the comma after 'grumbles,' but that's a stylistic thing; it's okay grammatically.

-----

"How's the wife and children?" I think Naruto might say 'kids' rather than 'children.'

-----

The apartment is tiny as it is; with his brats in there, there's literally nowhere to turn to that isn't occupied. Grammatically correct, but reads oddly to me. Perhaps 'The apartment is cramped for one person; with his brats inside as well, there's literally nowhere to turn that isn't occupied.' Note that you don't need 'to' after 'turn' -- 'nowhere to turn' is idiomatic and doesn't need to be followed by a preposition.

-----

Kakashi thinks about disputing being mothered in his own house 'Disputing' isn't quite the right word; it means challenging an assertion rather than speaking against a state of affairs. I think 'protesting' works better.

-----

Kakashi's legs get kicked and brushed against quite a bit as they try to settle, but then, from the way Sakura jumps, so is everyone else. Non-parallel sentence construction. The simple fix would be 'Kakashi's legs get kicked and brushed against quite a bit as they try to settle, but then, from the way Sakura jumps, so do everyone else's [legs].' That sounds kind of awkward, though, so maybe go with 'from the way Sakura jumps, he's not the only one suffering,' or 'the only one put-upon,' or something like that.

-----

Naruto gets kicked into the broom cupboard once when his attempts to see Kakashi's face behind the book he's holding as a screen get sake to slosh on Sakura's top. Passive and awkward. Perhaps 'Sakura kicks Naruto into the broom cupboard once when he tries to see Kakashi's face behind the book he's holding as a screen, and sloshes sake on her top [in the process].'

-----

con't in next comment...
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)

exhaustively thorough beta attempt, part 2

[personal profile] edenfalling 2007-06-29 12:14 am (UTC)(link)
con't from previous comment...

-----

He opens his mouth to ask, once again, what this whole thing was about -- and Sakura fills his arms with empty dishes. Naruto trudges along grudgingly, wedges himself between the tiny sink and the wall to dry what Kakashi washed, making himself more of a hindrance than a help. Tense weirdness. "what this whole thing is about" and "to dry what Kakashi washes." Both are arguably correct as written, the first more so than the second, but I think present tense is jarring enough that it's best to smooth any possible glitches.

-----

If he wasn't such a blasé old veteran, his dog butt would be wagging all over the place; Technically this is subjunctive and you should use 'weren't' instead of 'wasn't,' but the distinction is fading in spoken English so you can get away with being sloppy. Your choice. :-)

-----

"Oi Kakashi-sensei, are you coming or not?" Comma after 'Oi.'

-----

"What are you standing there in the air draft for?" 'Air' is unnecessary in this context.

-----

What reels him in, though, is the way Sasuke looks -- a mix of "you two are silly" and... Something else, he doesn't know. Acceptance, but not the kind that makes you smile.

Acceptance that Kakashi doesn't want to get any closer, maybe.


Um. I get what you're going for, but it took me a moment to unravel the second paragraph. I thought at first you meant that Kakashi didn't want to get any closer to Sasuke's acceptance, instead of meaning that Sasuke's accepting that Kakashi's doesn't want to get any closer to Team 7. The easiest fix is to say 'Acceptance of Kakashi's reluctance to get any closer, maybe.'

Of course, then you'd have to tweak the next paragraph to start 'Because of the three of them, Sasuke would guess why Kakashi wants to keep his distance,' or something like that, because you wouldn't have the 'doesn't want' to play off anymore, so you couldn't just say 'doesn't' and expect it to be immediately understood. :-)

-----

Sakura is not Rin, Naruto is neither Yondaime nor Obito; Sasuke is not quite enough of Obito and quite too much of Kakashi. Sentence structure is not parallel; use a semicolon after 'Rin,' not a comma. Also, 'far too much of Kakashi' works better than 'quite too much of Kakashi.'

-----

On that note, you're overusing the word 'quite' all through this piece. It's not wrong; it's just kind of... um... noticeable?

-----

and a dog trotting over the table to come and plop in his lap. You don't need 'come and' -- the rest of the sentence is fine without it.

-----

There. That's everything I noticed. Sorry if I got overly pedantic or mean; there are reasons I don't usually do editing work!

[identity profile] hiza-chan.livejournal.com 2007-06-29 12:20 am (UTC)(link)
Aww.

*Now has that warm and fuzzy feeling inside*

Goddamn. I love your Team 7 fics.

[identity profile] lef.livejournal.com 2007-06-29 12:26 am (UTC)(link)
"Oh, and Sasuke brought himself," Naruto throws from the kitchen. "Still not sure that's better than nothing."
: You win XD

That's an awesome story... I love the atmosphere you set, very few writers in the fandom manage to capture the team 7 dynamics the way you do.
I don't comment often, but your work (fics and art) never cease to amaze me.
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[identity profile] valles-uf.livejournal.com - 2007-06-29 12:17 (UTC) - Expand

[identity profile] bootoye.livejournal.com 2007-06-29 01:11 am (UTC)(link)
Ah warm and fuzzy. ^__^

Thanks!

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