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Ides of March fic, first part! XD
Remember, this is in answer to a 1x2x3x4x5 fic challenge. The first part is the set up only, so nothing perverted happens, but ... still. XD
Oh, and lotsa stupid humor too.
The Revelation happened to Quatre during yet another of Duo and Wufei's fights. They were the ones who hesitated the least in making their irritation known, and since getting into arguments was about the only thing to do during that unexpected slowing in the war, they were arguing a lot. Aggression levels were high, but there rarely was a battle and when there was, the numbers of dolls sent against them were ridiculously low. They had no outlet and it was starting to show.
"I'll kill you, moron!!"
Quatre didn't even know why exactly Wufei was screaming and running after Duo this time. He doubted they knew either. But here they went again.
The American had wisely hidden his braid in his collar, and jumped over the couch, stepping on Trowa on his way.
"Yeah, if you can land a blow!!"
Wufei leaped over the couch after him, his knee almost hitting the green-eyed one in the head. Duo pulled the rug from under him and dashed off, laughing at the Chinese pilot who had only barely managed to keep his balance.
Duo dodged the chair. Quatre almost didn't. Neither Duo nor Wufei seemed to care. In the corner, Heero had started to clean his gun.
Quatre's eyelid started to twitch uncontrollably.
It could not last. He refused to see it last.
Suddenly, just as he was going to snap too, Quatre had the Revelation. It was so simple, and yet so unthinkable, that for a long moment he stayed stunned, but Duo's outraged swearing broke through his shock and he decided that as weird as the idea was, it was worth a shot, because right now he didn't have any other solution to propose and he. Simply. Could. Not. Take it. Any. Longer.
He announced, as clearly and calmly as he could, "Guys, I think I have an idea."
His announcement went unheard in the sudden augmentation of the volume caused by Trowa finally losing his cool after being stepped on a third time.
+
A few curses, punches, an overturned couch and a water hose later, everyone was ready to listen to him.
"This," he said, his gesture encompassing the bruises, the hair in disarray, the broken chair and the water soaking into the couch and the wallpaper, "cannot last any longer."
"The water was your own damn fault, Winner," Wufei growled, shaking droplets out of his mussed up hair.
"He wouldn't have needed the hose if you could have just shut the fuck up!!!"
Heero, who up until then had been staying quietly in his corner, walked to the table casually and slammed his fist into it, breaking it in two. Wufei and Duo fell silent and stared at him.
"Quatre," he said in a way-too-calm voice, "is not blaming anyone in particular. We all have a problem."
Duo seemed to want to comment, but he glanced down at the broken table --massive oak-- and decided not to.
"Let him give his idea."
Quatre gave him a tense nod. "Thank you, Heero."
Heero grunted, as if to tell him to stop losing time with the politeness and give his solution NOW.
In a very calm, very reasonable voice, Quatre started to expose the effects of testosterone on human behavior. It increased physical strength, but also anger and sexual desire. And teenagers were particularly sensitive to it, seeing as their bodies were not adapted to it yet. Teenagers with such a stressful life as their own...
"So what you're saying is that we need to have lots of orgasms to keep us nice and quiet?" Duo reformulated, staring at him. Quatre turned pinkish.
"We can always jerk off," Trowa commented calmly. Duo coughed, surprised to hear that from him, and Quatre turned redder. Wufei seemed indignant, as if wanting to contest that he needed such base physical gratification, but Trowa quirked an eyebrow at him and he closed his mouth. Neither had forgotten the shower incident.
"Spanking the monkey ain't so fun when it's on prescription," Duo mumbled.
"It isn't about fun, it's about hormonal levels," Heero countered, sparing him a cold glare.
"Yeah, well, I'd think hormonal levels would drop faster if we put more enthusiasm into polishing the knob than into polishing our Gundams," braid-boy retorted. "But then, if you enjoy pampering your Wing more than your Little Soldier--"
Heero's eyes narrowed. Duo dropped it. Apparently even him wasn't immune to stress.
"So," Trowa stated detachedly, looking at Quatre. "Your brilliant idea is to jerk off thrice a day? Do we have to follow regular hours? A wank before each meal, don't forget to wash your hands? Maybe we should do it as a group, to make sure no one forgets."
Okay, so maybe he wasn't so detached. His eyebrow was quirking just a tiny bit. Quatre felt his cheeks turn pink with humiliation.
"It wouldn't be the first time."
Everyone gaped at Heero.
"Uhh. The first time what?"
"That you all masturbate as a group."
Wufei and Quatre spluttered, and Duo gaped. Trowa's eyebrow went up another notch.
"Ex-CUSE me? I think I'd remember if we had a circle jerk session!"
"Do you remember what you were doing last Wednesday at three PM when I came back from my mission?"
Duo and Quatre started to say no-- then blinked and went red.
Heero started counting on his fingers. "Duo, you were masturbating in your Gundam-- The cockpit latch was wide open. You didn't even hear me walk by. When I went in the living room," he added, looking at Quatre," you were holding a cushion on your lap and your cheeks were flushed."
"I was watching a very moving show--"
"It was Jeopardy."
Quatre cursed Heero's observation skills and his computer-like memory.
"Then I had to wait a half-hour to take a shower because you--" he looked at Trowa-- "were inside --by the way, you didn't hook up the showerhead again-- and Wufei..."
Wufei glared haughtily.
"... You forgot to lock your door. "
Wufei glared sulkily, but didn't see fit to comment.
For some reason Heero didn't see fit to mention his own reaction to the adrenaline of the battle, nor what the first thing he'd done after his report was typed and sent was.
"Yeah, well, okay, we were all choking the chicken in unison, only we just didn't know it. Yadda, yadda. What's the point?"
Now over his embarrassment, Quatre was glad to take up the discussion once again.
"Like you said it so tastefully, Duo, we need to get our hormones levels down. We either do it with drugs --and I don't know where we'd find a doctor who could prescribe us that kind of stuff, nor if the influence on our behavior would be dangerous, since we need to have some aggression in us when we fight-- or we do it the natural way."
"I think that's a load of bullshit, Quat. I polish my knob at least four times a day and it doesn't make Wufee any less stuck-up and irritating."
Chang glared threateningly at the American, but a kick in the ankle from Trowa dissuaded him from getting up.
Quatre coughed and continued, hoping to distract them from their incoming fight. "Sadly... Research has proved that humans seem to be wired to want penetration. Masturbation... just doesn't do it. "
"What do you suggest we do? Hire a hooker?" Wufei asked with contempt, finally direction on him his burning glare.
Quatre gave him a grave look back. "You know that we cannot mix with anyone outside our group."
There was a long moment of frozen silence.
Then another.
Then Duo squeaked. "What?"
Quatre was aware that he was blushing, but he decided to pretend he wasn't and hope that his teammates would have the courtesy to pretend along with him. "We need to have sex. We can't go to anyone outside our team. Do the math."
"... That's some fucked up calculus."
Quatre waited, looking at his teammates for reactions. Duo was stunned, Wufei was frozen in place, Trowa looked thoughtful, and Heero... Well, he looked normal. That was two and a half out of five so far. He hoped Trowa would decide in favor of his idea.
Heero shrugged. "I don't see why not. It's the most efficient and logical solution."
Duo's eyes looked wild for a second, like a spooked horse, but he made an effort to calm himself down. "I don't know, because we're not gay maybe?"
"Fucking a guy doesn't mean you're gay," Trowa intervened calmly.
Duo rolled his eyes. "No, it's only gay if you're the one who gets fucked, right?"
Trowa threw him a bored look. "... I was going to say that being gay is being able to form emotional attachments to males only. Fucking other guys for release only means for sure that there are no women to fuck. And even if you are, so what? My captain was the most virile guy I knew --he was more macho than Wufei and could have broken Heero in two-- and he still liked nothing better than cock."
Wufei choked on his drink.
"It doesn't matter what we would choose usually, because right now we have no choice."
Duo made a face. "Oh, that's right, you were with mercenaries. Don't ask, don't tell and all that shit. They did that a lot?"
"Some of them chose to help each other out, yes," Trowa commented blandly. "They were men, they were horny, and the only women in the unit were two bull dykes who had more balls than the rest of the guys. The guy would have done anything that moved."
Quatre gasped and stared at him, eyes wide. "Oh--Trowa-- did you...? They didn't, didn't they? You were just a boy!"
Trowa snorted. "Don't be stupid. I was barely thirteen at the most. I wasn't old enough to be interested, and no one found me interesting. They were mercenaries, not barbarians. And it's stupid to rape someone who's going to make sure your suit doesn't blow up in your face, don't you think?"
"... right. "
Now Quatre felt stupid for jumping to conclusions.
"... Okay, so Mister I Only See That Girl With Big Breasts And Short Shorts Like A Sister is telling us that 'helping each other out' isn't gay. Well, I feel better now."
"And Mister My Hair Is Prettier Than Hers sure sounds awfully worried about looking gay," Wufei lashed back with a smirk. "One would think he has something to hide."
Duo gave him an arctic glare. "At least I'm not the one who has wet dreams about my gundam."
Wufei turned beet red. "WHAT?"
"Well..." Duo's voice shifted, turned into a moan. "'Nataku... Oooh, Nataku!! ahhh... Nn!!' I should have taped it," he added with a superior smirk. "It was fun to imagine you playing with that big trident."
That was the fatidic straw that breaks the camel's back. Wufei sprang out of his chair, roaring with fury.
Okay, i'm still writing more of my fic. Now... Mikke, write your sequel!!! ;__;
Oh, and lotsa stupid humor too.
The Revelation happened to Quatre during yet another of Duo and Wufei's fights. They were the ones who hesitated the least in making their irritation known, and since getting into arguments was about the only thing to do during that unexpected slowing in the war, they were arguing a lot. Aggression levels were high, but there rarely was a battle and when there was, the numbers of dolls sent against them were ridiculously low. They had no outlet and it was starting to show.
"I'll kill you, moron!!"
Quatre didn't even know why exactly Wufei was screaming and running after Duo this time. He doubted they knew either. But here they went again.
The American had wisely hidden his braid in his collar, and jumped over the couch, stepping on Trowa on his way.
"Yeah, if you can land a blow!!"
Wufei leaped over the couch after him, his knee almost hitting the green-eyed one in the head. Duo pulled the rug from under him and dashed off, laughing at the Chinese pilot who had only barely managed to keep his balance.
Duo dodged the chair. Quatre almost didn't. Neither Duo nor Wufei seemed to care. In the corner, Heero had started to clean his gun.
Quatre's eyelid started to twitch uncontrollably.
It could not last. He refused to see it last.
Suddenly, just as he was going to snap too, Quatre had the Revelation. It was so simple, and yet so unthinkable, that for a long moment he stayed stunned, but Duo's outraged swearing broke through his shock and he decided that as weird as the idea was, it was worth a shot, because right now he didn't have any other solution to propose and he. Simply. Could. Not. Take it. Any. Longer.
He announced, as clearly and calmly as he could, "Guys, I think I have an idea."
His announcement went unheard in the sudden augmentation of the volume caused by Trowa finally losing his cool after being stepped on a third time.
+
A few curses, punches, an overturned couch and a water hose later, everyone was ready to listen to him.
"This," he said, his gesture encompassing the bruises, the hair in disarray, the broken chair and the water soaking into the couch and the wallpaper, "cannot last any longer."
"The water was your own damn fault, Winner," Wufei growled, shaking droplets out of his mussed up hair.
"He wouldn't have needed the hose if you could have just shut the fuck up!!!"
Heero, who up until then had been staying quietly in his corner, walked to the table casually and slammed his fist into it, breaking it in two. Wufei and Duo fell silent and stared at him.
"Quatre," he said in a way-too-calm voice, "is not blaming anyone in particular. We all have a problem."
Duo seemed to want to comment, but he glanced down at the broken table --massive oak-- and decided not to.
"Let him give his idea."
Quatre gave him a tense nod. "Thank you, Heero."
Heero grunted, as if to tell him to stop losing time with the politeness and give his solution NOW.
In a very calm, very reasonable voice, Quatre started to expose the effects of testosterone on human behavior. It increased physical strength, but also anger and sexual desire. And teenagers were particularly sensitive to it, seeing as their bodies were not adapted to it yet. Teenagers with such a stressful life as their own...
"So what you're saying is that we need to have lots of orgasms to keep us nice and quiet?" Duo reformulated, staring at him. Quatre turned pinkish.
"We can always jerk off," Trowa commented calmly. Duo coughed, surprised to hear that from him, and Quatre turned redder. Wufei seemed indignant, as if wanting to contest that he needed such base physical gratification, but Trowa quirked an eyebrow at him and he closed his mouth. Neither had forgotten the shower incident.
"Spanking the monkey ain't so fun when it's on prescription," Duo mumbled.
"It isn't about fun, it's about hormonal levels," Heero countered, sparing him a cold glare.
"Yeah, well, I'd think hormonal levels would drop faster if we put more enthusiasm into polishing the knob than into polishing our Gundams," braid-boy retorted. "But then, if you enjoy pampering your Wing more than your Little Soldier--"
Heero's eyes narrowed. Duo dropped it. Apparently even him wasn't immune to stress.
"So," Trowa stated detachedly, looking at Quatre. "Your brilliant idea is to jerk off thrice a day? Do we have to follow regular hours? A wank before each meal, don't forget to wash your hands? Maybe we should do it as a group, to make sure no one forgets."
Okay, so maybe he wasn't so detached. His eyebrow was quirking just a tiny bit. Quatre felt his cheeks turn pink with humiliation.
"It wouldn't be the first time."
Everyone gaped at Heero.
"Uhh. The first time what?"
"That you all masturbate as a group."
Wufei and Quatre spluttered, and Duo gaped. Trowa's eyebrow went up another notch.
"Ex-CUSE me? I think I'd remember if we had a circle jerk session!"
"Do you remember what you were doing last Wednesday at three PM when I came back from my mission?"
Duo and Quatre started to say no-- then blinked and went red.
Heero started counting on his fingers. "Duo, you were masturbating in your Gundam-- The cockpit latch was wide open. You didn't even hear me walk by. When I went in the living room," he added, looking at Quatre," you were holding a cushion on your lap and your cheeks were flushed."
"I was watching a very moving show--"
"It was Jeopardy."
Quatre cursed Heero's observation skills and his computer-like memory.
"Then I had to wait a half-hour to take a shower because you--" he looked at Trowa-- "were inside --by the way, you didn't hook up the showerhead again-- and Wufei..."
Wufei glared haughtily.
"... You forgot to lock your door. "
Wufei glared sulkily, but didn't see fit to comment.
For some reason Heero didn't see fit to mention his own reaction to the adrenaline of the battle, nor what the first thing he'd done after his report was typed and sent was.
"Yeah, well, okay, we were all choking the chicken in unison, only we just didn't know it. Yadda, yadda. What's the point?"
Now over his embarrassment, Quatre was glad to take up the discussion once again.
"Like you said it so tastefully, Duo, we need to get our hormones levels down. We either do it with drugs --and I don't know where we'd find a doctor who could prescribe us that kind of stuff, nor if the influence on our behavior would be dangerous, since we need to have some aggression in us when we fight-- or we do it the natural way."
"I think that's a load of bullshit, Quat. I polish my knob at least four times a day and it doesn't make Wufee any less stuck-up and irritating."
Chang glared threateningly at the American, but a kick in the ankle from Trowa dissuaded him from getting up.
Quatre coughed and continued, hoping to distract them from their incoming fight. "Sadly... Research has proved that humans seem to be wired to want penetration. Masturbation... just doesn't do it. "
"What do you suggest we do? Hire a hooker?" Wufei asked with contempt, finally direction on him his burning glare.
Quatre gave him a grave look back. "You know that we cannot mix with anyone outside our group."
There was a long moment of frozen silence.
Then another.
Then Duo squeaked. "What?"
Quatre was aware that he was blushing, but he decided to pretend he wasn't and hope that his teammates would have the courtesy to pretend along with him. "We need to have sex. We can't go to anyone outside our team. Do the math."
"... That's some fucked up calculus."
Quatre waited, looking at his teammates for reactions. Duo was stunned, Wufei was frozen in place, Trowa looked thoughtful, and Heero... Well, he looked normal. That was two and a half out of five so far. He hoped Trowa would decide in favor of his idea.
Heero shrugged. "I don't see why not. It's the most efficient and logical solution."
Duo's eyes looked wild for a second, like a spooked horse, but he made an effort to calm himself down. "I don't know, because we're not gay maybe?"
"Fucking a guy doesn't mean you're gay," Trowa intervened calmly.
Duo rolled his eyes. "No, it's only gay if you're the one who gets fucked, right?"
Trowa threw him a bored look. "... I was going to say that being gay is being able to form emotional attachments to males only. Fucking other guys for release only means for sure that there are no women to fuck. And even if you are, so what? My captain was the most virile guy I knew --he was more macho than Wufei and could have broken Heero in two-- and he still liked nothing better than cock."
Wufei choked on his drink.
"It doesn't matter what we would choose usually, because right now we have no choice."
Duo made a face. "Oh, that's right, you were with mercenaries. Don't ask, don't tell and all that shit. They did that a lot?"
"Some of them chose to help each other out, yes," Trowa commented blandly. "They were men, they were horny, and the only women in the unit were two bull dykes who had more balls than the rest of the guys. The guy would have done anything that moved."
Quatre gasped and stared at him, eyes wide. "Oh--Trowa-- did you...? They didn't, didn't they? You were just a boy!"
Trowa snorted. "Don't be stupid. I was barely thirteen at the most. I wasn't old enough to be interested, and no one found me interesting. They were mercenaries, not barbarians. And it's stupid to rape someone who's going to make sure your suit doesn't blow up in your face, don't you think?"
"... right. "
Now Quatre felt stupid for jumping to conclusions.
"... Okay, so Mister I Only See That Girl With Big Breasts And Short Shorts Like A Sister is telling us that 'helping each other out' isn't gay. Well, I feel better now."
"And Mister My Hair Is Prettier Than Hers sure sounds awfully worried about looking gay," Wufei lashed back with a smirk. "One would think he has something to hide."
Duo gave him an arctic glare. "At least I'm not the one who has wet dreams about my gundam."
Wufei turned beet red. "WHAT?"
"Well..." Duo's voice shifted, turned into a moan. "'Nataku... Oooh, Nataku!! ahhh... Nn!!' I should have taped it," he added with a superior smirk. "It was fun to imagine you playing with that big trident."
That was the fatidic straw that breaks the camel's back. Wufei sprang out of his chair, roaring with fury.
Okay, i'm still writing more of my fic. Now... Mikke, write your sequel!!! ;__;
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Oh my god, I love this. It is so much fun! I can't wait for the sequel...
and the last line is just priceless! *chuckles*
*snuggles* good job!
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"'Nataku... Oooh, Nataku!! ahhh... Nn!!
XD XD XD
*cough*
Ok, going to bed now...
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