Okay, serious story crit? These parts confused me.
It should have looked kind of ridiculous, really; Zenko was almost Sakura's size, with narrow hips and long slender legs. Maneki had at least a foot and sixty pounds on her. It looked like any second she would fold under his bulk and be crushed.
This part I have to reread, because I thought, hey, wasn’t Maneki a guy? What’s with the “foot and sixty pounds on her” part then? And the confusion was brought over to the next line. I think maybe you could use another way of description? Like “Maneki was at least a foot and sixty pounds bigger than her.” It’s less, em, shiny, but I think it gets the point across better.
Sasuke kept his face as expressionless as possible as Zenko stiffened all over, pretended he was deaf and not all that interested in lip-reading beside.
Also had to reread ‘cos of the “pretended he was deaf, yadda yadda” part. Maybe rearranging into two different sentences would work? “Zenko stiffened all over. Sasuke kept his face as expressionless as possible, pretended he was deaf, and not all that interested in lip-reading besideS.”
Other than those parts, it read okay to me. You could just italics-tise the whole chunk of flashback (because I’ll rather read italics than ___STARTFLASHBACK/ENDFLASHBACK___), but it's up to you. It's just that I alway found START FLASHBACK to be rather, well, unprofessional or something.
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It should have looked kind of ridiculous, really; Zenko was almost Sakura's size, with narrow hips and long slender legs. Maneki had at least a foot and sixty pounds on her. It looked like any second she would fold under his bulk and be crushed.
This part I have to reread, because I thought, hey, wasn’t Maneki a guy? What’s with the “foot and sixty pounds on her” part then? And the confusion was brought over to the next line. I think maybe you could use another way of description? Like “Maneki was at least a foot and sixty pounds bigger than her.” It’s less, em, shiny, but I think it gets the point across better.
Sasuke kept his face as expressionless as possible as Zenko stiffened all over, pretended he was deaf and not all that interested in lip-reading beside.
Also had to reread ‘cos of the “pretended he was deaf, yadda yadda” part. Maybe rearranging into two different sentences would work? “Zenko stiffened all over. Sasuke kept his face as expressionless as possible, pretended he was deaf, and not all that interested in lip-reading besideS.”
Other than those parts, it read okay to me. You could just italics-tise the whole chunk of flashback (because I’ll rather read italics than ___STARTFLASHBACK/ENDFLASHBACK___), but it's up to you. It's just that I alway found START FLASHBACK to be rather, well, unprofessional or something.