Why does it have to me that points out stuff instead of just squeeing like I want to. Oh look I made up a word too. I'll just do the stuff that hasn't already been mentioned of course.
The first line, Sasuke and Sakura are pointing things 'out to each other' (I assume about the intended seals) not pointing at each other.
3rd paragraph, change 'Really', to 'For real, this time'. 'fantasies of both of them', rather than 'fantasies of them both'. Change the last sentence to something like 'There was no way he would let them wriggle out of it again.' Just to avoid using an 'and' at the start of a sentence, but it's not too important for a fanfic.
Sasuke's first speech, 'this table' should be 'the table'. This table would mean Sasuke was right next to Naruto and even then it'd be a little weird.
There's a semi colon in the next bit that should be a full stop, someone missed the shift button. Damn French keyboards, who uses semi colons more than they use full stops anyway?
About the barriers, there's no way they can put up big ass chakra barriers and not have every ANBU member in Konoha know the instant they do it. Are they on a delayed timer or they going to do the seal immediately? Or is there a last key 'tree' (which then needs to be next to the dojo) which Sasuke will trigger at the last second? Hey if Naruto bled Sasuke out a bit then used that blood would it work? 'kay going back to grammar and logic.
The Hinata part, when Sasuke interrupts Naruto he does it with a silence at first? I'm not sure the dot thing works in this case, though it does convey Sasuke's pause and reluctance to ask. Majority vote maybe?
The bit were Sasuke reminds Naruto that Naruto is not 'the' man of Sakura's dreams, 'He knew Sakura-chan still loved Sasuke best, there was no need to rub it in.' Add a 'but just after the comma. Then a semi colon has slipped in again a sentence or two afterwards it should be a straight comma I think. Same thing five sentences after that.
They seperate at the wall and another semi colon, full stop this time.
Personal this time, 'Naruto suspected him of not knowing exactly where the trigger tags were situated.' Try 'Naruto had a sneaking suspicion that he didn't know exactly where the trigger tags were.' But the other works pretty well.
'Sasuke rolled his eyes, again;' Semi colon alert. Full stop needed. You were tired.
'"... Duh. So then why don't everyone do this? Use trees?"' 'Doesn't' not 'don't'
'He felt a little at a loss, though; it was just plain weird that Sasuke hadn't pointed out yet that Naruto wasn't doing his part of the job.' semi colon. A comma or a Full stop would work here.
Sasuke would put Naruto down as his 'inheriter' not his 'next of kin'. Next of kin need to be family, Sakura will count after the wedding, but Sasuke can still decide to leave his property to Naruto if he wants. Unless he transfers it into equal shares with Sakura, then he can only give what Sakura doesn't legally own. Otherwise it's a good choice because Naruto's the only one who could burn the compound down completely all by himself.
'Naruto loosened his double hold on Sasuke's collar;' semi colon, replace with a comma or a full stop.
'And I'm not teaching her Katon."' Oh oh OH! A slip?! Eeeeee! Bah probably tiredness. *kicks small pebble as show of annoyance.* Change to 'the baby' or 'the kid'. Sigh.
'Sasuke's eyes narrowed; not seriously, though.' semi colon, change to comma.
'"I'll teach her Kage Bunshin and Rasengan -- that's way more than enough to get out of anything." ' Again you give the baby a gender, did I miss a post? Somewhere?
'Sasuke rolled his eyes; he was smirking.' I'm the one trick pony watch me....semi colon! A comma please.
'Two-tricks pony."' 'Two trick pony.' I know it's strange it's not plural.
'Naruto tried to snap back something, prove Sasuke wrong and win the stupid argument, he really did;' One last time, semi colon! Comma please.
Okay, I'll go back to lurking until the next bit comes out then. Ciao.
no subject
The first line, Sasuke and Sakura are pointing things 'out to each other' (I assume about the intended seals) not pointing at each other.
3rd paragraph, change 'Really', to 'For real, this time'. 'fantasies of both of them', rather than 'fantasies of them both'. Change the last sentence to something like 'There was no way he would let them wriggle out of it again.' Just to avoid using an 'and' at the start of a sentence, but it's not too important for a fanfic.
Sasuke's first speech, 'this table' should be 'the table'. This table would mean Sasuke was right next to Naruto and even then it'd be a little weird.
There's a semi colon in the next bit that should be a full stop, someone missed the shift button. Damn French keyboards, who uses semi colons more than they use full stops anyway?
About the barriers, there's no way they can put up big ass chakra barriers and not have every ANBU member in Konoha know the instant they do it. Are they on a delayed timer or they going to do the seal immediately? Or is there a last key 'tree' (which then needs to be next to the dojo) which Sasuke will trigger at the last second? Hey if Naruto bled Sasuke out a bit then used that blood would it work? 'kay going back to grammar and logic.
The Hinata part, when Sasuke interrupts Naruto he does it with a silence at first? I'm not sure the dot thing works in this case, though it does convey Sasuke's pause and reluctance to ask. Majority vote maybe?
The bit were Sasuke reminds Naruto that Naruto is not 'the' man of Sakura's dreams,
'He knew Sakura-chan still loved Sasuke best, there was no need to rub it in.' Add a 'but just after the comma. Then a semi colon has slipped in again a sentence or two afterwards it should be a straight comma I think. Same thing five sentences after that.
They seperate at the wall and another semi colon, full stop this time.
Personal this time, 'Naruto suspected him of not knowing exactly where the trigger tags were situated.' Try 'Naruto had a sneaking suspicion that he didn't know exactly where the trigger tags were.' But the other works pretty well.
'Sasuke rolled his eyes, again;' Semi colon alert. Full stop needed. You were tired.
'"... Duh. So then why don't everyone do this? Use trees?"' 'Doesn't' not 'don't'
'He felt a little at a loss, though; it was just plain weird that Sasuke hadn't pointed out yet that Naruto wasn't doing his part of the job.' semi colon. A comma or a Full stop would work here.
Sasuke would put Naruto down as his 'inheriter' not his 'next of kin'. Next of kin need to be family, Sakura will count after the wedding, but Sasuke can still decide to leave his property to Naruto if he wants. Unless he transfers it into equal shares with Sakura, then he can only give what Sakura doesn't legally own. Otherwise it's a good choice because Naruto's the only one who could burn the compound down completely all by himself.
'Naruto loosened his double hold on Sasuke's collar;' semi colon, replace with a comma or a full stop.
'And I'm not teaching her Katon."' Oh oh OH! A slip?! Eeeeee! Bah probably tiredness. *kicks small pebble as show of annoyance.* Change to 'the baby' or 'the kid'. Sigh.
'Sasuke's eyes narrowed; not seriously, though.' semi colon, change to comma.
'"I'll teach her Kage Bunshin and Rasengan -- that's way more than enough to get out of anything." ' Again you give the baby a gender, did I miss a post? Somewhere?
'Sasuke rolled his eyes; he was smirking.' I'm the one trick pony watch me....semi colon! A comma please.
'Two-tricks pony."' 'Two trick pony.' I know it's strange it's not plural.
'Naruto tried to snap back something, prove Sasuke wrong and win the stupid argument, he really did;' One last time, semi colon! Comma please.
Okay, I'll go back to lurking until the next bit comes out then. Ciao.