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HAHAHA. (naruto) Oft Awry
That's a part of the sequel to the Sexy-no-Jutsu-sasuke fic, and i wrote that in class so it sucks but i'mm edit later (please help with edits or funny comments and stuff) and i don't have the time to search for links so HA too bad for you. *posts and runs*
"So. Who are we asking first?"
Sasuke sighed and massaged his temples. The whole situation gave him a headache, and Naruto's presence didn't help.
"Who do we know?"
Naruto started counting on his fingers. "Hinata, Tenten, Ino..."
Sasuke winced. Ino had been one of the most devoted members of his fanclub. He didn't want to encourage her if there was the littlest chance she'd want in his pants again. Though... he looked down at himself, still mildly disturbed to see twin bulges under the fabric. Maybe like that he was safe.
Naruto saw him cringe and nodded. "Yeah, Ino is SCARY, man. So, uh, Tenten?"
"Married."
Naruto frowned thoughtfully, looking down at his feet. "... I don't like the idea of asking Hinata for some reason..."
Sasuke frowned at his worried air, and shrugged. "She's a Hyuuga anyway."
"Uh, yeah. And? Oh, the eyes would interfere?"
"Technically, no -- she'd just bear it, she wouldn't give genes... But there would be other problems. Political problems."
Naruto grimaced. "Urgh. Politics. Never could understand jack shit 'bout them. But maybe Hinata would like an occasion to leave her clan."
"Which means I would need to marry her. They wouldn't let me, unless they consider it an honor and a way to keep the Uchiha in debt for the next hundred years... and unless I swear that we're never going to really reproduce -- neither the Hyuuga nor the Uchiha want to know what will happen if you mix the two lines again. I could take a second wife, but I couldn't divorce Hinata, because that would bring shame on her family."
Naruto grimaced again. "... no way am I letting Hinata spend her whole life chained to you. I mean, man, you know you're my best friend, but she doesn't deserve that."
Sasuke grumbled something but declined to protest out loud. He knew he'd eat Hinata alive if they had to live together.
They walked in silence a little longer.
"Kurenai-sensei?"
Sasuke blinked. "Besides the fact that she's with Asuma and hasn't had children of her own yet?"
"Uh, so?"
Sasuke frowned. "This means either she's barren or she doesn't want to leave active duty yet. Besides, she's from a bastard branch of the Uchiha. They have a weird gene defect that affects their chakra field, which in turn affects their vision. She would mess up the Sharingan."
"Uh, okay. You know better." He was silent for a moment longer. "Hana?"
Sasuke blinked. "Who the hell is that?"
"Inuzuka Hana. Kiba's big sis. The vet with the braid."
Sasuke glared darkly. "Fuck no. I'm not getting furry transsexual influences into my clan."
He waited patiently as Naruto laughed his ass off, then kicked him when he stopped feeling like being patient.
"I'm assuming asking Tsunade-baa-chan isn't even an option," the blond snickered.
Sasuke threw him a dirty glare. "Do you know how old she looks under that jutsu?"
"Eww, no, and I don't wanna," Naruto replied, shuddering. "Besides, she's so freakily strong she'd probably break your bones in bed. Too bad, though, because she could probably feed an army of little Uchiha spawns."
"NARUTO. Stop fucking giving me mental pictures. Thank you."
"Sure, sure."
"Shizune maybe?"
"Tsunade would kill you."
Sasuke grimaced. "Right."
"Temari?"
"...Gaara's sister?" Sasuke blinked. "She would fit, I guess, but what the hell makes you think she'd even accept?"
"What's that about Temari?" asked Ino as she popped out of a doorway as they walked past. Sasuke cursed himself for not noticing the blonde.
She was eyeing him with keen interest, eyes sparkling. He could see the gossip forming in her brain.
"Hello. Are you new in town?"
Sasuke arched an eyebrow, then realized that he was still in his girl shape. He repressed a horrified shudder at the realization that it was starting to feel almost normal.
Good thing he didn't get embarrassed easily. He considered her a few seconds... Yamanaka Ino, gossip queen. He figured he could do some control damage, and maybe even use her ability to his advantage to advertise his search for free. Sure, he didn't really want to have to sort out a hundred of hopeful village girls who'd probably go crazy when they knew he was on the market, but then he wasn't having any luck on his own.
"Ino. Come on." He didn't want to tell her in the middle of the street. He grabbed her arm and pulled her along in a narrow street. She yelped, but didn't have any time to protest.
"What the--"
"Ino, it's me, Sasuke."
She stared. And stared. Looked at naruto, who nodded -- then started staring again. She reached out, pushing Sasuke's bangs away from his face -- he frowned but didn't twitch (much) -- and stared some more.
And then she started to circle him, looking him all over. He scowled some more, but stayed in place until she faced him again.
Then she grabbed his boob.
"HEY!"
She rubbed her smarting hand absently as she gaped at him.
"You're a girl."
Naruto couldn't keep his snickers quiet any longer and started laughing out loud. And he was very loud. And he couldn't hurt Ino if he planned on asking her something, so Sasuke kicked him instead.
"OW. You're such a bitch, Sasu-chan."
"I told you not to fucking call me that, moron!"
Standing at his side, Ino was staring at them both with surprise. "God, it's really you. But-- but..." she added, and touched his breast again, managing to poke him right in the nipple. Sasuke shuddered and twisted away; she wasn't hurting him but it still felt way too weird.
"For now, yes. It's... complicated."
She stayed silent a few minutes, then smirked and put her hands on her hips. Sasuke stared at her warily.
"Fine. What do you want from me?"
"Eh? what makes you think we want anything?" Naruto replied, almost managing to look innocent.
"The fact that if it was an accident, Sasuke-kun would be running away from me and anyone who could identify him, not going around talking about it?"
"... Oh, right. Damn, you're quick."
"You're too used to forehead-girl," Ino replied, tossing her pale hair back proudly.
Sasuke sighed. "You're right. You might... be of help." He didn't like asking for help, but Sakura and Naruto had spent the last years beating into him that it was normal to ask friends for help sometimes, as long as you were ready to help them too, and that no one would sneer if he asked for something. He supposed Ino qualified. Sort of. He looked at Ino, crossing his arms over his chest defensively, and in a few terse sentences, summarized the whole mess.
"Hmm. And what was that about Temari? You're thinking about asking her and not me? I'm hurt, Sasuke-kun," she added with a flirtatiour leer.
"Oh, we thought about you, but you're scary -- uhh."
Sasuke punched Naruto in the head.
"We were just listing women we know. So far no one seems to really fit."
"And why don't I fit?" she asked, hands on her hips and scowling.
"Because you were a scary Sasuke-stalker back in the day?"
This time, Sasuke didn't punch Naruto, because he could never have managed to find enough tact to say that.
To his relief, Ino seemed more amused than offended. "Ah, yes, I guess. And you want a mom that won't be a wife, right? Well, I would be perfect. I want a dad that won't be a husband. I'll bear you an Uchiha if you find someone to make me a Yamanaka. I love my girlfriend, but she can't really... you see."
Naruto and Sasuke gaped.
"YOUR WHAT?" Naruto yelled without any tact.
Ino glared and crossed her arms. "You didn't KNOW? where have you been living, under a rock? My girlfriend. My lover, who happens to be a girl."
"But -- but -- I thought you liked me? And I'm -- well, usually..." Sasuke gestured at his own body, frowning to hide that he was embarrassed.
"Oh, yes," she replied with a dreamy sigh. "You were always so pretty."
Sasuke blinked. Naruto blinked.
Sasuke blinked. Naruto coughed.
Sasuke made a "uhh" sound. Naruto made a "oh god I can't breathe" sound.
Sasuke made another "uhh" sound, and flushed bright red as Naruto fell on the ground and started howling with laughter.
Ino smiled again, giving him a look that Sasuke couldn't call anything but lecherous. "Of course, you're much prettier now."
Sasuke promised himself never to roll his eyes again when Sakura complained about Naruto's teacher talking to her breasts.
"So. Who are we asking first?"
Sasuke sighed and massaged his temples. The whole situation gave him a headache, and Naruto's presence didn't help.
"Who do we know?"
Naruto started counting on his fingers. "Hinata, Tenten, Ino..."
Sasuke winced. Ino had been one of the most devoted members of his fanclub. He didn't want to encourage her if there was the littlest chance she'd want in his pants again. Though... he looked down at himself, still mildly disturbed to see twin bulges under the fabric. Maybe like that he was safe.
Naruto saw him cringe and nodded. "Yeah, Ino is SCARY, man. So, uh, Tenten?"
"Married."
Naruto frowned thoughtfully, looking down at his feet. "... I don't like the idea of asking Hinata for some reason..."
Sasuke frowned at his worried air, and shrugged. "She's a Hyuuga anyway."
"Uh, yeah. And? Oh, the eyes would interfere?"
"Technically, no -- she'd just bear it, she wouldn't give genes... But there would be other problems. Political problems."
Naruto grimaced. "Urgh. Politics. Never could understand jack shit 'bout them. But maybe Hinata would like an occasion to leave her clan."
"Which means I would need to marry her. They wouldn't let me, unless they consider it an honor and a way to keep the Uchiha in debt for the next hundred years... and unless I swear that we're never going to really reproduce -- neither the Hyuuga nor the Uchiha want to know what will happen if you mix the two lines again. I could take a second wife, but I couldn't divorce Hinata, because that would bring shame on her family."
Naruto grimaced again. "... no way am I letting Hinata spend her whole life chained to you. I mean, man, you know you're my best friend, but she doesn't deserve that."
Sasuke grumbled something but declined to protest out loud. He knew he'd eat Hinata alive if they had to live together.
They walked in silence a little longer.
"Kurenai-sensei?"
Sasuke blinked. "Besides the fact that she's with Asuma and hasn't had children of her own yet?"
"Uh, so?"
Sasuke frowned. "This means either she's barren or she doesn't want to leave active duty yet. Besides, she's from a bastard branch of the Uchiha. They have a weird gene defect that affects their chakra field, which in turn affects their vision. She would mess up the Sharingan."
"Uh, okay. You know better." He was silent for a moment longer. "Hana?"
Sasuke blinked. "Who the hell is that?"
"Inuzuka Hana. Kiba's big sis. The vet with the braid."
Sasuke glared darkly. "Fuck no. I'm not getting furry transsexual influences into my clan."
He waited patiently as Naruto laughed his ass off, then kicked him when he stopped feeling like being patient.
"I'm assuming asking Tsunade-baa-chan isn't even an option," the blond snickered.
Sasuke threw him a dirty glare. "Do you know how old she looks under that jutsu?"
"Eww, no, and I don't wanna," Naruto replied, shuddering. "Besides, she's so freakily strong she'd probably break your bones in bed. Too bad, though, because she could probably feed an army of little Uchiha spawns."
"NARUTO. Stop fucking giving me mental pictures. Thank you."
"Sure, sure."
"Shizune maybe?"
"Tsunade would kill you."
Sasuke grimaced. "Right."
"Temari?"
"...Gaara's sister?" Sasuke blinked. "She would fit, I guess, but what the hell makes you think she'd even accept?"
"What's that about Temari?" asked Ino as she popped out of a doorway as they walked past. Sasuke cursed himself for not noticing the blonde.
She was eyeing him with keen interest, eyes sparkling. He could see the gossip forming in her brain.
"Hello. Are you new in town?"
Sasuke arched an eyebrow, then realized that he was still in his girl shape. He repressed a horrified shudder at the realization that it was starting to feel almost normal.
Good thing he didn't get embarrassed easily. He considered her a few seconds... Yamanaka Ino, gossip queen. He figured he could do some control damage, and maybe even use her ability to his advantage to advertise his search for free. Sure, he didn't really want to have to sort out a hundred of hopeful village girls who'd probably go crazy when they knew he was on the market, but then he wasn't having any luck on his own.
"Ino. Come on." He didn't want to tell her in the middle of the street. He grabbed her arm and pulled her along in a narrow street. She yelped, but didn't have any time to protest.
"What the--"
"Ino, it's me, Sasuke."
She stared. And stared. Looked at naruto, who nodded -- then started staring again. She reached out, pushing Sasuke's bangs away from his face -- he frowned but didn't twitch (much) -- and stared some more.
And then she started to circle him, looking him all over. He scowled some more, but stayed in place until she faced him again.
Then she grabbed his boob.
"HEY!"
She rubbed her smarting hand absently as she gaped at him.
"You're a girl."
Naruto couldn't keep his snickers quiet any longer and started laughing out loud. And he was very loud. And he couldn't hurt Ino if he planned on asking her something, so Sasuke kicked him instead.
"OW. You're such a bitch, Sasu-chan."
"I told you not to fucking call me that, moron!"
Standing at his side, Ino was staring at them both with surprise. "God, it's really you. But-- but..." she added, and touched his breast again, managing to poke him right in the nipple. Sasuke shuddered and twisted away; she wasn't hurting him but it still felt way too weird.
"For now, yes. It's... complicated."
She stayed silent a few minutes, then smirked and put her hands on her hips. Sasuke stared at her warily.
"Fine. What do you want from me?"
"Eh? what makes you think we want anything?" Naruto replied, almost managing to look innocent.
"The fact that if it was an accident, Sasuke-kun would be running away from me and anyone who could identify him, not going around talking about it?"
"... Oh, right. Damn, you're quick."
"You're too used to forehead-girl," Ino replied, tossing her pale hair back proudly.
Sasuke sighed. "You're right. You might... be of help." He didn't like asking for help, but Sakura and Naruto had spent the last years beating into him that it was normal to ask friends for help sometimes, as long as you were ready to help them too, and that no one would sneer if he asked for something. He supposed Ino qualified. Sort of. He looked at Ino, crossing his arms over his chest defensively, and in a few terse sentences, summarized the whole mess.
"Hmm. And what was that about Temari? You're thinking about asking her and not me? I'm hurt, Sasuke-kun," she added with a flirtatiour leer.
"Oh, we thought about you, but you're scary -- uhh."
Sasuke punched Naruto in the head.
"We were just listing women we know. So far no one seems to really fit."
"And why don't I fit?" she asked, hands on her hips and scowling.
"Because you were a scary Sasuke-stalker back in the day?"
This time, Sasuke didn't punch Naruto, because he could never have managed to find enough tact to say that.
To his relief, Ino seemed more amused than offended. "Ah, yes, I guess. And you want a mom that won't be a wife, right? Well, I would be perfect. I want a dad that won't be a husband. I'll bear you an Uchiha if you find someone to make me a Yamanaka. I love my girlfriend, but she can't really... you see."
Naruto and Sasuke gaped.
"YOUR WHAT?" Naruto yelled without any tact.
Ino glared and crossed her arms. "You didn't KNOW? where have you been living, under a rock? My girlfriend. My lover, who happens to be a girl."
"But -- but -- I thought you liked me? And I'm -- well, usually..." Sasuke gestured at his own body, frowning to hide that he was embarrassed.
"Oh, yes," she replied with a dreamy sigh. "You were always so pretty."
Sasuke blinked. Naruto blinked.
Sasuke blinked. Naruto coughed.
Sasuke made a "uhh" sound. Naruto made a "oh god I can't breathe" sound.
Sasuke made another "uhh" sound, and flushed bright red as Naruto fell on the ground and started howling with laughter.
Ino smiled again, giving him a look that Sasuke couldn't call anything but lecherous. "Of course, you're much prettier now."
Sasuke promised himself never to roll his eyes again when Sakura complained about Naruto's teacher talking to her breasts.
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