Life and Times of Teh Asuka

Porn, for the Kink Meme. "Nepeta/Karkat, size kink, xeno. Large and powerful hunter Nepeta rutting into small but tough Karkat. THIS IS ALL THAT I WANT!" Characters are adults post-ascension. Nepeta is a nice and fluffy top. Also some animal roleplay and cat puns everywhere because even adult and muscly, Nepeta is always Nepeta. XD

3300 words.

( He just knows that Nepeta has been growing like a midblood, fast and hard, and either he's growing slow like a highblood (hah) or he's done already. And this should piss him off, and it vaguely does, even now, but they were having such a nice time reminiscing and then he tripped in the dark and she caught him, sure and effortless, and it was like every romcom ever *only he was the heroine*. ...The ensuing makeouts he blames on the alcohol. )

(not that this is the only chapter that contains porn, just that it's the only chapter that contains nothing but. reminder that this is xeno.)

--
Dave is in the process of cleaning after lunch (read: putting takeout boxes inside each other in order of size, with dirty paper napkins stuffed in the cracks) when his phone rings.

"Don't quit police work for journalism," is the first thing his brother tells him.

"Wow, I love you too, Dirkiepoo. My article on the buying habits of demons in grocery stores was a success and everyone knows it."

Karkat looks up at hearing the word; Dave shrugs at him. His demon is elbow-blade-deep in a marshmallow bag. It's already half empty. On second thought perhaps Dave shouldn't have let him choose the one he wanted.

"We got complaints from the vendor, you scared his other customers off."

"Pff, he'll sing another tune when everyone wants to buy shit from his store because it was once patroned by the illustrious Karkat Vantas. Also I asked him if it was okay before coming in and he said yes, so hey, it's all on him."

"You said 'service animal', you asshole," Karkat says, loud enough for the phone to pick up. Dirk scoffs. "You said, 'hello, Detective Strider, do you mind if I come in with my service animal, don't want to leave him in the street.' I should have chosen a bigger bag."

"There was no bigger, Jesus, Karkat, you could stuff your head in that and still have room for a shoulder. Anyway, Dirk, what do you want, answer is no, I'm on leave. Captain said so, you can't make me."

( Read more... )

The first coherent thought Dave has upon waking up is fuck yeah three days' leave, so he goes straight back to sleep.

The second coherent thought he has, about a hour later, is shit want to pee don't want to brave the ladder dilemma.

The third is old soda bottle in the corner? And the fourth is Rose will know somehow, I'll never live it down.

At any rate, he is awake. He cracks open his eyes, gazes at the slanted ceiling, stretches his legs. Shit yeah futon. Missed you, buddy. His back hardly hurts today.

Of course he kind of hurts everywhere else. But it's a low-grade, stealthy kind of soreness. He figures so long as he doesn't move an inch it'll have no reason to get worse. Maybe he can get Karkat to fetch stuff for him.

Something is breathing nearby.

( Read more... )

this one's nsfw.

( Read more... )

And this one I am posting separately because 1) SURPRISE PORN WTF? and 2) 4000 words long what i said short, anon.

Anonymous asked you:
dave/karkat, mortifying teenagers

--

Karkat liked the god village relatively well, for all that the amenities had been built by people who thought a hole in the ground with a plank across it was fancy for a loadgaper.

Okay, he was being unfair.

Fuck being unfair.

Today he liked the village for one thing only. Not the defensibleness or the gorgeous view or the lack of monsters or the pleasant, not charbroiling sunlight.

His hive's backdoor was only thirty steps away from Dave's, and he could even do most of the trip behind some bushes, in case of nosy neighbors. At an angry stomp he crossed them decently fast.

BANG BANG BANG. "Strider! Drag yourself off your depraved concupiscent platform and ooze your way to the sadly nonfucking, celibate door now before I take it off its hinges! It'll be a poor virgin door for life, Strider, and your house will have a hole in it for the dust and the birds to fly in and I will laugh, Strider! I will fucking laugh! I'll laugh so hard I might break a vocal vibratory string and will have to continue pouring wisdom and orders in thine ears at point blank fucking range, are you looking forward to that because I sure am, Strider!"

"'sup," said a slice of Strider, appearing in the barely cracked-open door from eye down to a hint of hip. "It wasn't locked, you tool."

"Some of us are afflicted with this sickness called politeness that means we don't just waltz into other people's hives," Karkat replied, because of course he hadn't thought to check the handle. Dave rolled red eyes at him.

Oh hey no shades today. Huh. ... Huh.( Read more... )

Summary: Magnetic Wodka has more side-effects than you'd expect. Fortunately, John and Jade are enterprising and adventurous souls willing to help Karkat explore them.

Contains: A threesome (F/M/M) - porny xeno shenanigans (tentabulge + nook combo w00t) - double penetration (:3) - underage drinking - a horrific strap-on - being silly with video game mechanics - a Dreambubble. (Does not contain twincest.)

10 500 words.

One minute Karkat was shuffling random odds and ends out of a cupboard in the meteor's lab-kitchen looking for that mythical last package of Instant Grubcorns, the next he was standing like a dumbass on space-black brittle rock, a bottle of Magnetic Wodka in hand and lakes of blood all around.

( Pulse and Haze. Joy. )

Pairing: Alpha Dave Strider/humanstuck!Karkat Vantas.

Contains: age difference, underage sex, some dubcon, a lot of horrible jokes.

Summary: Rich and famous Dave Strider picks up underage runaway Karkat Vantas. Pretty Woman ensues. Okay, no, mostly just sex, angst, and too many bad jokes.

It was ridiculously gaudy. It was also ridiculously expensive.

Bring a lot of your whores back here, Hefner? Karkat didn't retort, because hey, he was standing right here, wasn't he.

( 30th-Century Night )

The Kink Meme strikes again!

(Btw it now has moved to dreamwidth. Finding all those prompts I was planning to eventually fill will be awkward, and even reposting the old prompts, since the mods have apparentlyhidden all anon comments on LJ and most prompts ARE anon. argh. >:/ but nevermind.)

Prompt: delicious troll sandwich with human filling.
would love you forever, dear anons, if karkat was the one to suggest it but terezi makes it happen.
alien nook/bulge combo very much welcome.
DP isn't required, but if it is a thing that happens, loud dave losing his cool would make this 1000000 times hotter.
bonus - feel free to make multiple orgasms a thing. don't mind realism for humans here. (or just insert explanation of how it is possible thanks to some alien thing, either works). and troll stamina.
double bonus is dave is used as a bucket and it's treated as a lewd kink that turns the troll on even more

There is no actual porn in this part of the fic. I'm going on vacation for two weeks on monday and won't have internet access, so IDK if I'll have it finished before I go and once I'm gone not much writing might happen and there will definitely not be posting. ;_;

So today you only get the lead-up pesterlog, which might also be a standalone thing. Let's call it a prologue or a teaser or something. XD

GC: 1F YOU GUYS FORC3 M3 TO FL1P 4SH3N 4ND TH3R3FOR3 D3PR1V3 M3 OF 4LL TH4T 4CROB4T1C S3XU4L CONGR3SS W3 S1GN3D ON FOR *TH3 PUN1SHM3NT SH4LL F1T TH3 CR1M3 3X4CTLY*
GC: BY WH1CH 1 M34N MY C4N3 H1D3S TWO R3C3NTLY-SH4RP3N3D BL4D3S 4ND 1T S3R3ND1P1TOUSLY H4PP3NS TH4T B3TW33N TH3 TWO OF YOU YOU GUYS H4V3 TWO BON3BULG3S
GC: WH1CH M1GHT NOT ST4Y TH3 C4S3 LONG

( Clusterfuck )

And by collaborative storytelling I really mean cybering.

This was written for, uh. My own prompt on the kink meme actually, that I left a few months back and no one used it and it just so happens this week is Fill Some Goddamn Prompts Instead of Making New Ones week over there. So.

(...) turns out they have somewhat of a reluctant crush on the same person.

I just really, really, really want Karkat as the filling in a Prospit Twins sandwich. Either as a shared fantasy/collaborative storytelling about how it would theoretically go down, or as something they eventually do implement when they get to meet again.

This wasn't as porny and detailed as I wanted it to be, but they decided to be bashful on me. :(

Warnings for: pseudoincest vibes, cybersex, awkward teenagers being awkward, log fic.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 23:45 --

GG: hey john, i thought you were going to bed early!
EB: nd she kissed him full on the mouth with lots of to
EB: GAH
GG: :O ???
EB: damn it jade, you and your ninja windows! pretend you didn't see anything okay.

( Adventures in Collaborative Storytelling )